1 00:00:02,334 --> 00:00:07,000 [cheers and applause] 2 00:00:12,334 --> 00:00:15,667 - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME AZIZ ANSARI! 3 00:00:15,701 --> 00:00:21,501 [cheers and applause] 4 00:00:21,534 --> 00:00:23,334 - THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 5 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:27,901 THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 6 00:00:27,934 --> 00:00:29,801 THANK YOU. WHOA, WHOA. 7 00:00:29,834 --> 00:00:30,968 OH, WOW. 8 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:33,801 THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 9 00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:37,167 THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 10 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:41,300 THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU GUYS. THANK YOU. 11 00:00:41,334 --> 00:00:44,334 I RECENTLY MOVED TO LOS ANGELES AND, YOU KNOW, 12 00:00:44,367 --> 00:00:47,167 A BIG ISSUE HERE AND EVERYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY RIGHT NOW 13 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,000 IS GAY RIGHTS. 14 00:00:49,033 --> 00:00:51,367 AND I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET ONCE, 15 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:52,767 AND THIS GUY CAME UP TO ME WITH A CLIPBOARD. 16 00:00:52,801 --> 00:00:54,067 AND HE GOES, "HEY, MAN. 17 00:00:54,100 --> 00:00:56,000 DO YOU HAVE A MOMENT FOR GAY RIGHTS?" 18 00:00:56,033 --> 00:00:58,701 AND I WENT, "SORRY, MAN. I'M IN A LITTLE BIT OF A RUSH." 19 00:00:58,734 --> 00:01:02,167 AND THEN THAT DUDE WATCHED ME WALK INTO A JAMBA JUICE. 20 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,667 AND HE WAS A LITTLE UPSET. 21 00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:05,868 HE WAS LIKE, "REALLY, MAN? 22 00:01:05,901 --> 00:01:07,868 "YOU'RE IN A RUSH TO GET TO JAMBA JUICE? 23 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:11,100 I'M OUT HERE TRYING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE." 24 00:01:11,133 --> 00:01:12,968 AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL, ACTUALLY, MAN, 25 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,601 "THERE'S A GUY THAT WORKS IN THAT JAMBA JUICE 26 00:01:14,634 --> 00:01:16,501 "THAT SAID SOME REALLY HATEFUL STUFF 27 00:01:16,534 --> 00:01:17,701 "ABOUT A CLOSE GAY FRIEND OF MINE 28 00:01:17,734 --> 00:01:19,767 AND I'M GOING IN THERE TO STAB HIM." 29 00:01:19,801 --> 00:01:21,601 [laughter] 30 00:01:21,634 --> 00:01:22,434 AND THEN I PULLED OUT TWO KNIVES 31 00:01:22,467 --> 00:01:23,767 AND I TOSSED HIM ONE. 32 00:01:23,801 --> 00:01:26,334 I WAS LIKE, "DO YOU HAVE A MOMENT FOR GAY RIGHTS? 33 00:01:26,367 --> 00:01:28,067 "OH, DIDN'T THINK SO. 34 00:01:28,100 --> 00:01:30,901 "SO SIT THERE WITH YOUR LITTLE CLIPBOARD AND JUDGE ME. 35 00:01:30,934 --> 00:01:32,868 "I KILL FOR GAY PEOPLE. 36 00:01:32,901 --> 00:01:35,667 I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. YOU DON'T DO SHIT." 37 00:01:35,701 --> 00:01:41,033 [laughter] 38 00:01:41,067 --> 00:01:43,834 I ACTUALLY HAD A GAY FRIEND OF MINE GET REAL MAD AT ME 39 00:01:43,868 --> 00:01:45,901 'CAUSE OF A TEXT MESSAGE I SENT HIM. 40 00:01:45,934 --> 00:01:47,300 AND I LOOKED AT MY PHONE AND I REALIZED 41 00:01:47,334 --> 00:01:48,400 IT WASN'T MY FAULT. 42 00:01:48,434 --> 00:01:49,968 IT WAS MY PHONE'S FAULT. 43 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:51,801 I GOT THAT FEATURE ON THERE CALLED SMART TYPE, 44 00:01:51,834 --> 00:01:53,868 WHERE YOU TYPE THINGS AND IT GUESSES WHAT YOU'RE TYPING. 45 00:01:53,901 --> 00:01:56,033 BUT SOMETIMES IT GUESSES WRONG. 46 00:01:56,067 --> 00:01:58,000 LIKE, YOU'LL TYPE IN "GAVE." IT'LL GUESS "HAVE." 47 00:01:58,033 --> 00:01:59,334 TEXTS GET MISINTERPRETED. 48 00:01:59,367 --> 00:02:00,601 THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. 49 00:02:00,634 --> 00:02:02,667 WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SEND MY GAY FRIEND GREG 50 00:02:02,701 --> 00:02:05,634 WAS A TEXT THAT SAID, "HEY, GREG. 51 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,467 "DON'T THINK I CAN COME TO THE BAR. 52 00:02:07,501 --> 00:02:10,100 TIRED. GONNA HIT THE HAY." 53 00:02:10,133 --> 00:02:11,968 THAT'S WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SEND. 54 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:15,834 BUT WHAT SMART TYPE DECIDED TO SEND WAS, "HEY, GREG. 55 00:02:15,868 --> 00:02:17,601 "DON'T THINK I CAN COME TO THE BAR. TIRED. 56 00:02:17,634 --> 00:02:19,767 GONNA HIT THE HAY, YOU FAGGOT. FUCK YOU." 57 00:02:19,801 --> 00:02:21,334 WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! 58 00:02:21,367 --> 00:02:23,601 SMART TYPE, THAT AIN'T WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY! 59 00:02:23,634 --> 00:02:25,501 WHY YOU GETTING ALL HOMOPHOBIC ON ME? 60 00:02:25,534 --> 00:02:27,801 GREG'S GONNA PISSED OFF ABOUT THAT TEXT! 61 00:02:27,834 --> 00:02:30,968 [laughter] 62 00:02:31,033 --> 00:02:33,634 NOW MY WHOLE TAKE ON, YOU KNOW, THE GAY RIGHTS ISSUES, 63 00:02:33,667 --> 00:02:36,033 PARTICULARLY GAY MARRIAGE IS-- LET'S BE HONEST. 64 00:02:36,067 --> 00:02:38,234 IF YOU'RE AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE, YOU JUST DON'T LIKE GAY PEOPLE, 65 00:02:38,267 --> 00:02:39,801 AND YOU WANT TO STICK IT TO 'EM. 66 00:02:39,834 --> 00:02:41,734 AND I'M NOT SAYING I WOULDN'T DO THE SAME THING 67 00:02:41,767 --> 00:02:44,067 IF I WAS PRESENTED WITH SIMILAR OPPORTUNITIES. 68 00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:46,234 LIKE IF THERE WAS A LAW UP FOR DEBATE WHERE IT WAS LIKE, 69 00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:48,701 "HEY, MAN, YOU THINK GUYS THAT WEAR TIGHT T-SHIRTS 70 00:02:48,734 --> 00:02:50,200 "AND GET BOTTLE SERVICE AT NIGHTCLUBS SHOULD 71 00:02:50,234 --> 00:02:51,667 BE ALLOWED TO OWN PROPERTY?" 72 00:02:51,701 --> 00:02:53,000 I'D BE LIKE, "NO! FUCK THOSE GUYS!" 73 00:02:53,033 --> 00:02:54,901 HA-HA-HA-HA! 74 00:02:54,934 --> 00:02:57,300 YEAH, UM... 75 00:02:57,334 --> 00:02:58,901 IT VIOLATES THE SANCTITY OF OWNING PROPERTY 76 00:02:58,934 --> 00:03:00,434 AND IT SAYS IN THE BIBLE THEY'RE DOUCHEBAGS. 77 00:03:00,467 --> 00:03:02,000 WHATEVER I NEED TO SAY SO YOU DON'T THINK 78 00:03:02,033 --> 00:03:03,968 THIS IS COMING FROM PURELY A PLACE OF HATE. 79 00:03:04,033 --> 00:03:08,267 [laughter] 80 00:03:08,300 --> 00:03:10,934 I WAS GETTING SOME SHEETS DOWN AT BED BATH & BEYOND. 81 00:03:10,968 --> 00:03:14,968 MAN, THEY GOT SO MANY SHEETS! 82 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:16,968 I WAS LOOKING AROUND AND I SAW THIS GUY 83 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:20,133 AND HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO BUY, AND HE LOOKED ALL CONFUSED. 84 00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:21,367 AND HE LOOKS OVER AT ME AND GOES, 85 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:25,701 "MAN, THIS IS WHY I NEED A GIRLFRIEND." 86 00:03:25,734 --> 00:03:27,367 AND I WAS LIKE, "REALLY? 87 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,100 THIS IS WHY YOU NEED A GIRLFRIEND?" 88 00:03:29,133 --> 00:03:31,501 SO IF YOU HAD A GIRLFRIEND, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE. 89 00:03:31,534 --> 00:03:33,534 YOU'D BE BACK AT YOUR HOUSE SITTING ON A LA-Z-BOY, 90 00:03:33,567 --> 00:03:36,534 DRINKING A BEER, GOING, "BITCH, GO GET ME SOME SHEETS! 91 00:03:36,567 --> 00:03:39,367 "YEAH, I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP NOW! 92 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,567 "I DON'T HAVE TO BUY MY OWN DOMESTIC GOODS! 93 00:03:41,601 --> 00:03:43,567 "PICK UP ONE OF THOSE BOTTLES WE CAN PUT STICKS IN 94 00:03:43,601 --> 00:03:45,801 "AND MAKE THE ROOM SMELL LIKE VANILLA BEAN. 95 00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:47,000 "I BEEN FARTING ALL DAY. 96 00:03:47,033 --> 00:03:48,901 IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT IN HERE!" 97 00:03:48,934 --> 00:03:51,834 [laughter] 98 00:03:51,868 --> 00:03:55,834 NOW ALL I KNOW ABOUT SHEETS IS... 99 00:03:55,868 --> 00:03:58,968 THE HIGHER THE THREAD COUNT, THE BETTER THE SHEET, RIGHT? 100 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,501 THIS LADY'S LIKE, "RIGHT. YEAH. 101 00:04:00,534 --> 00:04:02,234 "I GOT 700 BACK AT MY HOUSE. 102 00:04:02,267 --> 00:04:05,334 IT'S LIKE SLEEPING IN LOTION." 103 00:04:05,367 --> 00:04:07,734 SO I'M LOOKING AROUND, TRYING TO FIND SOME NICE SHEETS. 104 00:04:07,767 --> 00:04:10,234 I SEE THIS BRAND CALLED HOTEL LUXURY LINENS. 105 00:04:10,267 --> 00:04:12,000 600-THREAD COUNT. 106 00:04:12,033 --> 00:04:14,033 THAT SOUNDS FANCY TOO, RIGHT? 107 00:04:14,067 --> 00:04:17,701 GOT A GIRL BACK AT YOUR PLACE, SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. 108 00:04:17,734 --> 00:04:20,534 DID WE JUST TELEPORT TO A FIVE-STAR HOTEL?" 109 00:04:20,567 --> 00:04:21,634 NAH, BABY. 110 00:04:21,667 --> 00:04:23,300 THESE ARE JUST HOTEL LUXURY LINENS. 111 00:04:23,334 --> 00:04:25,801 BY THE WAY, THE TECHNOLOGY FOR TELEPORTATION 112 00:04:25,834 --> 00:04:27,000 DOESN'T EXIST YET. 113 00:04:27,033 --> 00:04:29,133 YOU MUST BE KIND OF STUPID. 114 00:04:29,167 --> 00:04:32,467 SO I GRABBED THE SHEETS AND I GET 'EM HOME. 115 00:04:32,501 --> 00:04:35,200 AND I'M PSYCHED TO PUT 'EM ON MY BED, RIGHT? 116 00:04:35,234 --> 00:04:38,300 AND I FEEL 'EM AND THEY FEEL A LITTLE ROUGH TO THE TOUCH. 117 00:04:38,334 --> 00:04:40,000 I GET A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS. 118 00:04:40,033 --> 00:04:41,601 I DO A LITTLE GOOGLING. 119 00:04:41,634 --> 00:04:43,467 I FIND AN INVESTIGATIVE REPORT 120 00:04:43,501 --> 00:04:46,234 IN SOUTHERN LIVING MAGAZINE, WHERE THEY INVESTIGATED 121 00:04:46,267 --> 00:04:48,634 THREAD COUNT CLAIMS, AN ISSUE THAT DEFINITELY 122 00:04:48,667 --> 00:04:50,834 NEEDED DELVING INTO. 123 00:04:50,868 --> 00:04:54,834 AND THEY HAD A LITTLE CHART, AND IT SAID "BRAND, 124 00:04:54,868 --> 00:04:58,167 ADVERTISED THREAD COUNT, ACTUAL THREAD COUNT." 125 00:04:58,200 --> 00:04:59,567 SO IT'S LIKE, "BRAND, WAMSUTTA. 126 00:04:59,601 --> 00:05:02,400 "ADVERTISED, 500. ACTUAL, 497. 127 00:05:02,434 --> 00:05:04,601 "BRAND, SOFT SHEETS. ADVERTISED, 600. 128 00:05:04,634 --> 00:05:06,234 "ACTUAL, 600. 129 00:05:06,267 --> 00:05:08,400 "BRAND, HOTEL LUXURY LINENS. 130 00:05:08,434 --> 00:05:11,634 "ADVERTISED, 600. ACTUAL... 131 00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:13,300 296!" 132 00:05:13,334 --> 00:05:15,067 ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME, MAN? 133 00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:17,300 I ALMOST SLEPT ON THAT SHIT! 134 00:05:17,334 --> 00:05:20,534 296 IS SANDPAPER AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED. 135 00:05:20,567 --> 00:05:22,534 IF THAT WAS A DRUG DEAL, I WOULD HAVE SHOT 136 00:05:22,567 --> 00:05:24,534 HOTEL LUXURY LINENS IN THE FACE. 137 00:05:24,567 --> 00:05:25,767 WHERE THE REST OF MY THREADS? 138 00:05:25,801 --> 00:05:26,767 [imitates gunshot] 139 00:05:26,801 --> 00:05:27,968 YOU DIDN'T THINK I WAS GONNA 140 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:29,133 COUNT THAT SHIT, MOTHERFUCKER? 141 00:05:29,167 --> 00:05:33,734 [laughter and applause] 142 00:05:42,534 --> 00:05:44,801 I WAS DOWN AT CVS, AND I HAD 143 00:05:44,834 --> 00:05:48,167 A RATHER ODD ASSORTMENT OF ITEMS I NEEDED TO GET. 144 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:52,334 I HAD TO GET A LITER OF JACK DANIELS, 145 00:05:52,367 --> 00:05:55,000 A TWO-LITER BOTTLE OF COCA-COLA, 146 00:05:55,033 --> 00:05:57,234 A BOX OF CONDOMS, 147 00:05:57,267 --> 00:06:01,634 AND A TEN-PACK OF BLANK CDR DISCS. 148 00:06:01,667 --> 00:06:04,400 AND I THOUGHT IT'D BE AWESOME IF EVERY MORNING 149 00:06:04,434 --> 00:06:06,334 I WENT AND BOUGHT THOSE SAME FOUR THINGS 150 00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:08,667 FOR, LIKE, SIX MONTHS, 151 00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:10,734 JUST TO DEVELOP THIS REALLY WEIRD REPUTATION 152 00:06:10,767 --> 00:06:12,067 WITH THE STAFF THERE, WHERE THEY'D BE LIKE, 153 00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:13,901 "HOLD ON A SECOND, MAN. 154 00:06:13,934 --> 00:06:16,601 "THIS GUY DRINKS A LITER OF JACK AND COKE EVERY DAY. 155 00:06:16,634 --> 00:06:19,734 "HAS SEX 12 TIMES A DAY. 156 00:06:19,767 --> 00:06:21,934 "AND THEN BURNS TEN BLANK CDs? 157 00:06:21,968 --> 00:06:23,634 "TEN BLANK CDs? 158 00:06:23,667 --> 00:06:25,801 "10 DISCS, THAT'S LIKE 7.5 GIGS A DAY. 159 00:06:25,834 --> 00:06:27,300 "WHAT KIND OF DATA'S HE BACKING UP? 160 00:06:27,334 --> 00:06:28,467 "WOULD IT MAKE MORE SENSE JUST TO GET 161 00:06:28,501 --> 00:06:30,167 "AN EXTERNAL HARD DRIVE AT THIS POINT? 162 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,701 "IS HE BURNING MUSIC? 163 00:06:31,734 --> 00:06:33,934 "WOULDN'T IT MAKE MORE SENSE JUST TO GET AN IPOD? 164 00:06:33,968 --> 00:06:35,434 "MAYBE HE'S MAKING MIXED CDs FOR ALL THESE GIRLS 165 00:06:35,467 --> 00:06:36,801 "THAT HE'S FUCKIN'. 166 00:06:36,834 --> 00:06:38,467 "TWO OF THOSE GIRLS AIN'T GETTING CDs THOUGH. 167 00:06:38,501 --> 00:06:40,434 "WHICH TWO ARE THOSE? 168 00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:43,534 WHICH TWO DON'T GET THE CDs?" 169 00:06:43,567 --> 00:06:48,467 [laughter] 170 00:06:48,501 --> 00:06:50,667 I GOT TO TRAVEL A LOT WHEN I'M DOING STAND-UP, 171 00:06:50,701 --> 00:06:52,467 AND I WAS ON A FLIGHT ONE TIME 172 00:06:52,501 --> 00:06:54,434 AND I HAD A LITTLE BIT OF A RUNNY NOSE. 173 00:06:54,467 --> 00:06:56,434 AND SO I WENT LIKE THIS... [sniffs] 174 00:06:56,467 --> 00:06:58,033 ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE GUY NEXT TO ME GOES, 175 00:06:58,067 --> 00:06:59,667 "HEY, MAN! 176 00:06:59,701 --> 00:07:00,968 "YOU GONNA BLOW YOUR NOSE, OR AM I GONNA 177 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,267 "HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU HAVE THE SNIFFLES 178 00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:03,801 FOR SIX FUCKING HOURS?" 179 00:07:03,834 --> 00:07:06,801 AND I WAS STUNNED FOR TWO REASONS. 180 00:07:06,834 --> 00:07:10,334 ONE, I COULDN'T BELIEVE HE'D BE SO RUDE TO A TOTAL STRANGER. 181 00:07:10,367 --> 00:07:12,734 AND TWO, I NEVER HEARD THE WORD "SNIFFLES" 182 00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:14,667 AND "FUCKING" IN THE SAME SENTENCE TOGETHER BEFORE. 183 00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:16,801 [laughter and applause] 184 00:07:16,834 --> 00:07:19,767 [chuckles] 185 00:07:22,634 --> 00:07:24,567 CLAP IF YOU USE CRAIGSLIST. 186 00:07:24,601 --> 00:07:26,567 [cheers and applause] 187 00:07:26,601 --> 00:07:27,767 HOLD ON A SECOND THOUGH. 188 00:07:27,801 --> 00:07:29,100 I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT LIKE, "OH, HEY, 189 00:07:29,133 --> 00:07:30,300 I'M LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT," CRAIGSLIST. 190 00:07:30,334 --> 00:07:31,634 I'M TALKING ABOUT, "GIVE ME A HANDJOB, 191 00:07:31,667 --> 00:07:33,167 I'LL GIVE YOU MY COFFEE TABLE." 192 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:34,868 LIKE THAT KIND OF CRAIGSLIST. 193 00:07:34,901 --> 00:07:38,467 THAT'S CRAIGSLIST. 194 00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:39,968 I SAW A POST LIKE THAT ONCE 195 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,968 WHERE THIS GUY WAS TRYING TO SELL CONCERT TICKETS 196 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,501 AND THIS IS WHAT HE POSTED UP THERE. 197 00:07:44,534 --> 00:07:46,200 HE GOES, "WILLING TO GIVE UP TWO TICKETS 198 00:07:46,234 --> 00:07:48,000 "FOR THE SOLD-OUT SHOW TONIGHT. 199 00:07:48,033 --> 00:07:50,767 "MUST BE FEMALE, AGE 20 TO 25, 200 00:07:50,801 --> 00:07:53,033 "AND BE WILLING TO PERFORM ORAL SEX 201 00:07:53,067 --> 00:07:56,801 "FOR A HALF HOUR IN MY CAR. 202 00:07:56,834 --> 00:07:58,667 "MUST REMOVE SHIRT AND BRA. 203 00:07:58,701 --> 00:08:00,701 YOUR FRIEND CAN BE THERE FOR SECURITY." 204 00:08:00,734 --> 00:08:02,801 [laughter] 205 00:08:02,834 --> 00:08:05,601 NOW THAT GUY'S INSANE AND YOU CAN TELL, 206 00:08:05,634 --> 00:08:06,667 'CAUSE HE PUT THAT PHRASE IN THERE. 207 00:08:06,701 --> 00:08:08,501 "MUST REMOVE SHIRT AND BRA." 208 00:08:08,534 --> 00:08:09,934 'CAUSE THAT IMPLIES HE'S DONE THIS IN THE PAST 209 00:08:09,968 --> 00:08:11,501 AND THE GIRL WAS LIKE, "HOLD ON! 210 00:08:11,534 --> 00:08:13,467 YOU DIDN'T SAY NOTHING ABOUT MY SHIRT AND BRA COMING OFF." 211 00:08:13,501 --> 00:08:15,067 HE'S LIKE, "DAMN, I GOTTA REMEMBER TO PUT THAT 212 00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:16,300 "IN THE AD NEXT TIME. 213 00:08:16,334 --> 00:08:18,400 I WANT TO SEE SOME TITTIES." 214 00:08:18,434 --> 00:08:22,634 [laughter and applause] 215 00:08:22,667 --> 00:08:24,334 AND THEN HE ACTS LIKE HE'S THROWING YOU A BONE 216 00:08:24,367 --> 00:08:25,567 BY PUTTING THAT PHRASE IN THERE. 217 00:08:25,601 --> 00:08:27,133 "YOUR FRIEND CAN BE THERE FOR SECURITY." 218 00:08:27,167 --> 00:08:28,834 REALLY? 219 00:08:28,868 --> 00:08:30,434 WELL, THAT'S GONNA BE A TOUGH FAVOR TO ASK FOR. 220 00:08:30,467 --> 00:08:32,834 "HEY, DENISE. 221 00:08:32,868 --> 00:08:34,968 "YEAH, IT'S ME, CAROL. 222 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,033 "LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. 223 00:08:38,067 --> 00:08:40,968 "YOU EVER DONE ANY SECURITY WORK BEFORE? 224 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,133 "WELL, IT'S NOTHING TOO CRAZY, 225 00:08:43,167 --> 00:08:44,868 "BUT I'M GONNA BE BLOWING THIS GUY 226 00:08:44,901 --> 00:08:48,000 "FOR A HALF HOUR IN HIS CAR, 227 00:08:48,033 --> 00:08:50,000 "AND I JUST NEED YOU TO SIT IN THE BACK SEAT 228 00:08:50,033 --> 00:08:53,100 "AND MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING SKETCHY. 229 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,167 "BY THE WAY, YOU MIND HOLDING MY SHIRT AND BRA? 230 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:56,601 THOSE WILL BE OFF!" 231 00:08:56,634 --> 00:08:58,834 [laughter] 232 00:08:58,868 --> 00:09:00,701 NOW, I WENT TO THAT CONCERT. 233 00:09:00,734 --> 00:09:02,534 I GOT TICKETS IN ADVANCE AND I GOT THERE 234 00:09:02,567 --> 00:09:04,133 AND YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW? 235 00:09:04,167 --> 00:09:06,767 THEY WERE SELLING EXTRA TICKETS AT THE DOOR. 236 00:09:06,801 --> 00:09:09,701 SELLING EXTRA TICKETS AT THE DOOR! 237 00:09:09,734 --> 00:09:13,634 COULD YOU IMAGINE BLOWING A GUY FOR A HALF HOUR 238 00:09:13,667 --> 00:09:15,901 FOR SOLD-OUT CONCERT TICKETS AND THEN FINDING OUT 239 00:09:15,934 --> 00:09:17,801 THEY'RE SELLING THEM AT THE DOOR? 240 00:09:17,834 --> 00:09:19,834 THAT'D BE LIKE BLOWING A GUY FOR A HALF HOUR 241 00:09:19,868 --> 00:09:21,767 FOR SOLD-OUT CONCERT TICKETS AND THEN FINDING OUT 242 00:09:21,801 --> 00:09:23,501 THEY'RE SELLING 'EM AT THE DOOR. 243 00:09:23,534 --> 00:09:25,734 THERE'S NO OTHER WAY TO COMPLETE THAT ANALOGY 244 00:09:25,767 --> 00:09:27,000 'CAUSE THAT'S THE SHITTIEST THING THAT COULD EVER 245 00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:28,300 HAPPEN TO YOU. 246 00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:31,267 [laughter and applause] 247 00:09:34,834 --> 00:09:37,968 ONE THING THAT SCARES ME ABOUT, LIKE, CRAIGSLIST AND STUFF 248 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,801 IS THAT PEOPLE GO ON THERE AND THEY FIND RANDOM ROOMMATES. 249 00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:42,667 THAT'S A TERRIFYING PROPOSITION TO ME. 250 00:09:42,701 --> 00:09:44,167 LIKE, THE ONE TIME I HAD A RANDOM ROOMMATE, 251 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:45,968 IT DID NOT GO WELL. 252 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,434 LIKE, I WOULD COME IN THE ROOM 253 00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:48,834 AND IT'D ALWAYS SMELL LIKE TUNA. 254 00:09:48,868 --> 00:09:50,267 AND I'D BE LIKE, "WHOA! 255 00:09:50,300 --> 00:09:52,667 "NOT IN MY TOP FIVE SMELLS FOR THE ROOM TO HAVE. 256 00:09:52,701 --> 00:09:54,367 WHY'S IT ALWAYS SMELL LIKE TUNA?" 257 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,200 AND IT'S 'CAUSE THIS GUY WILL EAT CANS 258 00:09:56,234 --> 00:09:57,767 OF STARKIST TUNA ALL THE TIME. 259 00:09:57,801 --> 00:09:59,000 AND YOU KNOW ALL THE JUICES THERE AT THE BOTTOM 260 00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,501 WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED? 261 00:10:00,534 --> 00:10:02,868 HE'D SHOOT THE JUICE BACK LIKE A TEQUILA SHOT. 262 00:10:02,901 --> 00:10:05,834 YES, I AGREE IT'S DISGUSTING. 263 00:10:05,868 --> 00:10:07,133 IF YOU'D APPROACHED ME ON THE STREET LIKE, 264 00:10:07,167 --> 00:10:08,534 "HEY, AZIZ. 265 00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:09,701 "WHAT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING THING 266 00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:11,100 YOU CAN CATCH YOUR NEW ROOMMATE DOING?" 267 00:10:11,133 --> 00:10:12,601 I'D BE LIKE, "DRINKING THE TUNA JUICE 268 00:10:12,634 --> 00:10:14,167 AT THE BOTTOM OF A STARKIST TUNA CAN." 269 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:17,868 THEY'D BE LIKE, "MAN, THAT'S A REALLY SPECIFIC ANSWER." 270 00:10:17,901 --> 00:10:19,067 THERE'S OTHER THINGS LIKE HE PLAYED THE FLUTE 271 00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:20,367 ALL THE TIME. 272 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:21,901 NOTHING WRONG WITH PLAYING THE FLUTE, 273 00:10:21,934 --> 00:10:23,901 BUT HE'D ONLY PLAY ONE SONG ON THE FLUTE. 274 00:10:23,934 --> 00:10:26,501 CELINE DION'S MY HEART WILL GO ON, 275 00:10:26,534 --> 00:10:28,567 THE THEME SONG TO TITANIC. 276 00:10:28,601 --> 00:10:31,300 IF YOU'D APPROACH ME ON THE STREET LIKE, "HEY, AZIZ, 277 00:10:31,334 --> 00:10:32,701 "WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING SONG A DUDE 278 00:10:32,734 --> 00:10:35,200 COULD PLAY ON THE FLUTE ALL THE TIME?" 279 00:10:35,234 --> 00:10:38,334 I'D BE LIKE, "CELINE DION'S MY HEART WILL GO ON, 280 00:10:38,367 --> 00:10:40,067 THE THEME SONG TO TITANIC." 281 00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:41,567 AND YOU'D BE LIKE, "GOD DAMN, 282 00:10:41,601 --> 00:10:44,067 YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT THIS GAME." 283 00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:45,567 BUT THE CRAZIEST THING WAS TOWARDS 284 00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:46,901 THE END OF OUR TIME TOGETHER. 285 00:10:46,934 --> 00:10:48,868 HE WAS ACTING REALLY WEIRD AND I DIDN'T KNOW 286 00:10:48,901 --> 00:10:50,300 WHAT WAS GOING ON, SO I ASKED A FRIEND OF HIS. 287 00:10:50,334 --> 00:10:51,767 I WAS LIKE, "HEY, MAN, WHAT'S UP WITH THIS GUY?" 288 00:10:51,801 --> 00:10:53,534 AND HE GOES, "OH... 289 00:10:53,567 --> 00:10:55,734 "HE THINKS HE'S POSSESSED 290 00:10:55,767 --> 00:10:59,667 BY SCAR, THE EVIL LION FROM THE LION KING MOVIES." 291 00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:03,968 OH, YES! THAT HAPPENS! SURE! 292 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,868 IF YOU'D APPROACHED ME ON THE STREET LIKE, "HEY, AZIZ. 293 00:11:05,901 --> 00:11:08,267 "WHAT'S THE MOST RANDOM DISNEY VILLAIN 294 00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:11,300 A KID COULD THINK HE'S POSSESSED BY?" 295 00:11:11,334 --> 00:11:14,634 I'D BE LIKE, "SCAR, THE EVIL LION FROM THE LION KING MOVIES." 296 00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:15,868 AND YOU'D BE LIKE... [imitates buzzer] 297 00:11:15,901 --> 00:11:17,100 "SORRY, IT'S ACTUALLY THE HOCKEY TEAM FROM ICELAND 298 00:11:17,133 --> 00:11:19,868 IN THE MIGHTY DUCKS 2." 299 00:11:19,901 --> 00:11:23,200 [laughter and applause] 300 00:11:23,234 --> 00:11:25,534 NOW... 301 00:11:25,567 --> 00:11:29,834 I HAVE A SMALL UPDATE ON THAT JOKE. 302 00:11:29,868 --> 00:11:32,000 I WAS LOOKING AROUND ON THE INTERNET ONE DAY, 303 00:11:32,033 --> 00:11:34,667 AND I SAW THIS BLOG HAD WRITTEN ABOUT ME. 304 00:11:34,701 --> 00:11:37,133 I LOOKED IN THE COMMENTS THREAD AND SOME GUY HAD WRITTEN, 305 00:11:37,167 --> 00:11:39,634 "I LIVED WITH THIS GUY. HE'S A DOUCHEBAG." 306 00:11:39,667 --> 00:11:42,133 IT WAS THAT FUCKING GUY! 307 00:11:42,167 --> 00:11:44,200 OH, REALLY? I'M A DOUCHEBAG, HUH? 308 00:11:44,234 --> 00:11:45,501 WELL, YOU DON'T TELL ALL THESE PEOPLE ABOUT 309 00:11:45,534 --> 00:11:47,033 HOW YOU DID TUNA JUICE SHOTS ALL DAY. 310 00:11:47,067 --> 00:11:49,834 [imitates flute playing] 311 00:11:49,868 --> 00:11:51,467 OH, YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT. 312 00:11:51,501 --> 00:11:52,567 YOU JUST SAY I'M A DOUCHEBAG. 313 00:11:52,601 --> 00:11:54,400 WELL, IF I'M A DOUCHEBAG, 314 00:11:54,434 --> 00:11:55,701 THIS IS WHAT I'M GONNA DO. 315 00:11:55,734 --> 00:11:57,734 I'M GONNA FIND OUT WHERE THAT GUY LIVES, RIGHT? 316 00:11:57,767 --> 00:11:59,400 I'M GONNA GO OUTSIDE HIS HOUSE, LIKE, OUTSIDE HIS WINDOW 317 00:11:59,434 --> 00:12:00,834 REAL LATE AT NIGHT, RIGHT? 318 00:12:00,868 --> 00:12:02,200 AND WAIT TILL IT'S, LIKE, REALLY LATE 319 00:12:02,234 --> 00:12:04,100 AND I'M JUST GONNA GO, 320 00:12:04,133 --> 00:12:08,634 [singing in tongues] 321 00:12:08,667 --> 00:12:10,634 AND HE'D BE LIKE, "NO! THE DEMONS! 322 00:12:10,667 --> 00:12:12,000 "THEY'RE BACK! SCAR, GET AWAY FROM ME! 323 00:12:12,033 --> 00:12:15,167 LEAVE ME ALONE!" 324 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,934 WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE IS JUST WENT ON THE COMMENTS THREAD 325 00:12:17,968 --> 00:12:19,868 UNDER THE USERNAME "HYENAS" AND WROTE, 326 00:12:19,901 --> 00:12:21,133 "WATCH OUT, MOTHERFUCKER!" 327 00:12:21,167 --> 00:12:26,067 [laughter and applause] 328 00:12:30,734 --> 00:12:33,367 I USED TO LIVE IN NEW YORK AND I LOVE LIVING THERE 329 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,234 'CAUSE YOU CAN WALK AROUND EVERYWHERE. 330 00:12:35,267 --> 00:12:36,534 AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN I WALK AROUND, 331 00:12:36,567 --> 00:12:38,334 SOMETIMES PEOPLE RECOGNIZE ME FROM THINGS 332 00:12:38,367 --> 00:12:39,868 THEY'VE SEEN ME ON TV OR WHATEVER AND THEY'D SAY, 333 00:12:39,901 --> 00:12:41,801 YOU KNOW, STUFF, AND A LOT OF TIMES 334 00:12:41,834 --> 00:12:43,901 I WOULDN'T HEAR WHAT THEY SAID 'CAUSE I'D HAVE HEADPHONES ON. 335 00:12:43,934 --> 00:12:45,634 SO I'D KIND OF JUST GO, "COOL, MAN. 336 00:12:45,667 --> 00:12:47,734 GLAD YOU LIKE THE SHOW," AND I'D JUST KEEP WALKING. 337 00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:50,801 AND THIS ONE GUY SAID SOMETHING TO ME ONE TIME 338 00:12:50,834 --> 00:12:52,868 AND I WENT, "COOL, MAN. GLAD YOU LIKE THE SHOW." 339 00:12:52,901 --> 00:12:54,467 AND THEN RIGHT WHEN I WALKED PAST HIM, I REALIZED, 340 00:12:54,501 --> 00:12:56,868 "OH, MAN, THAT GUY DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE SHOW." 341 00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:58,801 HE WENT, "HEY, MAN, YOUR FLY'S DOWN." 342 00:12:58,834 --> 00:13:01,000 AND I WENT, "COOL, MAN. GLAD YOU LIKE THE SHOW. 343 00:13:01,033 --> 00:13:04,000 "GLAD YOU LIKE SEEING MY DICK POP OUT OF MY PANTS. 344 00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:06,934 COME BACK NEXT WEEK, YOU CAN SEE ONE OF MY BALLS." 345 00:13:06,968 --> 00:13:10,501 [laughter] 346 00:13:10,534 --> 00:13:12,767 I WENT TO A COOL SHOW IN NEW YORK ONCE 347 00:13:12,801 --> 00:13:15,167 CALLED WALKING WITH DINOSAURS. 348 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:16,801 AND IT WAS THIS THING WHERE THEY HAD THESE, LIKE, 349 00:13:16,834 --> 00:13:18,434 ANIMATRONIC DINOSAURS THAT WOULD, LIKE, WALK AROUND. 350 00:13:18,467 --> 00:13:20,033 IT WAS REALLY COOL. 351 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:22,701 BUT I WAS THE ONLY PERSON THERE REALLY IN MY AGE GROUP. 352 00:13:22,734 --> 00:13:25,167 IT WAS MOSTLY, LIKE, LITTLE KIDS AND THEIR PARENTS. 353 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,200 AND I WAS BORED WAITING FOR THE SHOW TO START, 354 00:13:27,234 --> 00:13:28,801 SO I STARTED TALKING TO THIS LITTLE KID NEXT TO ME, 355 00:13:28,834 --> 00:13:30,033 AND HE WAS PRETTY COOL. 356 00:13:30,067 --> 00:13:31,434 HE WAS, LIKE, MAYBE EIGHT, TEN YEARS OLD. 357 00:13:31,467 --> 00:13:33,100 WE HAD A LOT IN COMMON THOUGH, YOU KNOW? 358 00:13:33,133 --> 00:13:35,334 LIKE, WE BOTH PLAYED CALL OF DUTY 4 ON THE XBOX. 359 00:13:35,367 --> 00:13:37,667 WE BOTH REALLY HAD SIMILAR THEORIES 360 00:13:37,701 --> 00:13:40,033 ABOUT WHAT WAS REALLY GOING ON ON LOST. 361 00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:43,734 AND HE WAS JUST A COOL KID. 362 00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:45,901 AND EVENTUALLY HIS DAD WAS LIKE, "HEY, BRIAN, 363 00:13:45,934 --> 00:13:47,300 "I'M GONNA GO MAKE A COUPLE PHONE CALLS. 364 00:13:47,334 --> 00:13:48,300 "YOU THINK YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT HERE 365 00:13:48,334 --> 00:13:49,167 TALKING TO YOUR NEW FRIEND?" 366 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:50,801 HE'S LIKE, "OKAY, DAD." 367 00:13:50,834 --> 00:13:54,133 AND THE DAD LEAVES FOR, LIKE, A REALLY LONG TIME. 368 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,701 AND, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT A CHILD MOLESTER AT ALL. 369 00:13:57,734 --> 00:13:59,200 BUT IF I WAS, I'D HAVE BEEN LIKE, 370 00:13:59,234 --> 00:14:01,567 "SOMEBODY'S DOING SOME MOLESTIN' TONIGHT! 371 00:14:01,601 --> 00:14:03,467 "LET'S DO THIS SHIT, BRIAN! 372 00:14:03,501 --> 00:14:06,000 "YOUR DAD DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU! 373 00:14:06,033 --> 00:14:07,834 "HE LEFT YOU ALONE WITH A GROWN MAN 374 00:14:07,868 --> 00:14:11,601 "WITH A FULL BEARD AT WALKING WITH DINOSAURS! 375 00:14:11,634 --> 00:14:13,634 "CLEARLY I'M OUT HERE SCOUTING 376 00:14:13,667 --> 00:14:15,601 AND YOU ARE MY MAN!" 377 00:14:15,634 --> 00:14:21,200 [laughter and applause] 378 00:14:21,234 --> 00:14:23,200 I'M JUST SAYING I COULD HAVE FUCKED THAT KID. 379 00:14:23,234 --> 00:14:27,167 [laughter] 380 00:14:32,167 --> 00:14:34,701 I'M ORIGINALLY FROM SOUTH CAROLINA, AND-- 381 00:14:34,734 --> 00:14:35,834 [scattered cheers] 382 00:14:35,868 --> 00:14:37,501 THANK YOU. 383 00:14:37,534 --> 00:14:39,267 AND MY BROTHER SENT ME SOMETHING 384 00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:42,334 THAT REALLY REMINDED ME OF HOW CRAZY IT IS DOWN THERE. 385 00:14:42,367 --> 00:14:44,200 IT WAS A PROMO VIDEO FOR THIS THING CALLED 386 00:14:44,234 --> 00:14:45,968 "THE SIMPLE MAN CRUISE." 387 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,734 AND THIS IS THIS CRUISE SHIP WHERE THEY GET 388 00:14:47,767 --> 00:14:50,033 ALL THESE SOUTHERN ROCK BANDS LIKE .38 SPECIAL, 389 00:14:50,067 --> 00:14:52,501 THE MARSHALL TUCKER BAND, LYNYRD SKYNYRD 390 00:14:52,534 --> 00:14:53,701 AND THEY THROW 'EM ON A BOAT. 391 00:14:53,734 --> 00:14:55,300 ALL THESE REDNECKS GET ON BOARD, 392 00:14:55,334 --> 00:14:58,801 THEY SET OUT TO SEA, AND IT'S SCARY AS SHIT! 393 00:14:58,834 --> 00:15:02,300 'CAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN REDNECKS LIKE THIS BEFORE. 394 00:15:02,334 --> 00:15:04,334 I LIVED IN SOUTH CAROLINA FOR 18 YEARS. 395 00:15:04,367 --> 00:15:06,100 NEVER SAW PEOPLE LIKE THIS. 396 00:15:06,133 --> 00:15:07,567 THIS ONE DUDE GETS ON THE SCREEN, HE'S LIKE, 397 00:15:07,601 --> 00:15:08,834 "AW, HELL, MAN. 398 00:15:08,868 --> 00:15:10,467 "YOU CAN SWING A DEAD CAT AROUND HERE, 399 00:15:10,501 --> 00:15:12,434 YOU BOUND TO HIT A GOOD GUITAR PLAYER." 400 00:15:12,467 --> 00:15:14,801 WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? 401 00:15:14,834 --> 00:15:18,133 I DON'T KNOW, BUT I LIKE THE WAY THIS GUY TALKS. 402 00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:20,801 I WANT HIM TO REVIEW EVERYTHING FOR ME IN MY LIFE. 403 00:15:20,834 --> 00:15:22,767 LIKE WHEN I NEED AN OPINION, I'LL GO TO HIM. 404 00:15:22,801 --> 00:15:24,033 I'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, MAN, I WAS THINKING 405 00:15:24,067 --> 00:15:25,167 "ABOUT BUYING SOME CDs AT THAT MUSIC STORE 406 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:26,501 "DOWN ON, LIKE, SUNSET. 407 00:15:26,534 --> 00:15:27,634 IS THAT A GOOD PLACE TO BUY MUSIC?" 408 00:15:27,667 --> 00:15:28,767 "AW, HELL, MAN. 409 00:15:28,801 --> 00:15:29,968 "YOU CAN GO IN THERE AND SLING A POT 410 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,300 "OF CREAMED CORN, SOME OF IT'S BOUND 411 00:15:31,334 --> 00:15:33,267 "TO LAND ON SOME GREAT NEW AND USED CDs. 412 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:34,934 "YOU MIGHT GET A LITTLE CORN ON YOUR CDs, 413 00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:36,434 "BUT THAT'S EASY TO CLEAN OFF, 414 00:15:36,467 --> 00:15:38,100 ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE A BISCUIT." 415 00:15:38,133 --> 00:15:39,934 [laughter] 416 00:15:39,968 --> 00:15:42,467 OKAY, MAN. 417 00:15:42,501 --> 00:15:43,634 I WAS THINKING ABOUT BUYING A PRIUS. 418 00:15:43,667 --> 00:15:45,300 IS THAT A GOOD CAR TO GET? 419 00:15:45,334 --> 00:15:46,634 "AW, MAN, HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. 420 00:15:46,667 --> 00:15:48,868 "RUN DOWN TO THE WOODS, FIND TWO DEAD POSSUMS, 421 00:15:48,901 --> 00:15:49,934 "PICK 'EM UP, TURN 'EM INTO PUPPETS, 422 00:15:49,968 --> 00:15:51,367 "BE LIKE, 'HEY, MAN, I WAS THINKING ABOUT 423 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,000 "'BUYING A PRIUS. THAT A GOOD CAR TO GET?' 424 00:15:53,033 --> 00:15:54,300 "'I DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CARS. 425 00:15:54,334 --> 00:15:55,534 "I'M JUST A POSSUM.' 426 00:15:55,567 --> 00:15:56,734 TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, YEAH." 427 00:15:56,767 --> 00:15:59,067 [laughter] 428 00:15:59,100 --> 00:16:00,467 UH, HEY, MAN. 429 00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:01,634 I WAS SEEING ABOUT BUYING AN LCD TV. 430 00:16:01,667 --> 00:16:03,934 IS IT A GOOD TIME TO BUY AN LCD TV? 431 00:16:03,968 --> 00:16:05,667 "HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, MAN. 432 00:16:05,701 --> 00:16:07,734 "GO DOWN TO THAT ELECTRONICS STORE IN LA BREA, 433 00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:10,467 "JERK OFF ON 12 BISCUITS, SLING 'EM AROUND, 434 00:16:10,501 --> 00:16:12,734 "ONE OF THEM'S BOUND TO HIT A GREAT LCD TV. 435 00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:14,467 "YOU MIGHT CATCH A LITTLE HELL FOR WHAT YOU DID 436 00:16:14,501 --> 00:16:16,767 TO THOSE BISCUITS, BUT YOU'RE GONNA GET A GREAT DEAL." 437 00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:20,234 [laughter] 438 00:16:20,267 --> 00:16:22,133 HOW MANY OF YOU GUYS-- 439 00:16:22,167 --> 00:16:24,167 CLAP IF YOU STILL HAVEN'T SEEN THE DARK KNIGHT YET. 440 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:25,267 IF YOU STILL HAVEN'T SEEN THE DARK KNIGHT, CLAP. 441 00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:26,634 [sparse clapping] 442 00:16:26,667 --> 00:16:29,167 WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? 443 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:32,367 THAT MOVIE'S INCREDIBLE! 444 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:33,767 MY FAVORITE REVIEW OF THAT MOVIE 445 00:16:33,801 --> 00:16:35,334 IS FROM MY LITTLE COUSIN HARRIS 446 00:16:35,367 --> 00:16:37,200 THAT'S 14 YEARS OLD AND LIVES IN GEORGIA. 447 00:16:37,234 --> 00:16:39,834 AND I LOVE HARRIS 'CAUSE HE HAS REALLY ODD CHOICES 448 00:16:39,868 --> 00:16:41,334 IN ENTERTAINMENT. 449 00:16:41,367 --> 00:16:43,601 LIKE, HIS FAVORITE TV SHOWS ARE HOUR-LONG DRAMAS 450 00:16:43,634 --> 00:16:45,968 ON USA AND TNT. 451 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,334 LIKE, YOU KNOW HOW YOU SEE BILLBOARDS 452 00:16:47,367 --> 00:16:48,868 FOR SHOWS LIKE BURN NOTICE. 453 00:16:48,901 --> 00:16:50,033 YOU'RE LIKE, "WHO THE HECK WATCHES BURN NOTICE?" 454 00:16:50,067 --> 00:16:51,367 HARRIS WATCHES BURN NOTICE! 455 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,100 HE LOVES IT! 456 00:16:53,133 --> 00:16:55,167 HARRIS TOLD ME HIS SENIOR QUOTE'S GONNA BE, 457 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,667 "TNT KNOWS DRAMA." 458 00:16:58,701 --> 00:17:00,234 YOU CALL UP HARRIS, YOU HEAR THINGS LIKE, 459 00:17:00,267 --> 00:17:01,400 "HEY, HARRIS. WHAT'S GOING ON?" 460 00:17:01,434 --> 00:17:02,834 "I'M PISSED OFF, MAN! 461 00:17:02,868 --> 00:17:04,834 "MY DAD JUST ERASED ALL MY SHOWS FROM THE DVR. 462 00:17:04,868 --> 00:17:07,167 GUESS I WON'T FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS ON LAS VEGAS THIS WEEK." 463 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,767 WHO DVRs LAS VEGAS? 464 00:17:09,801 --> 00:17:11,968 JOSH DUHAMEL DOESN'T DVR LAS VEGAS. 465 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,000 AND YOU DON'T GET THAT JOKE, 'CAUSE JOSH DUHAMEL'S 466 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,567 THE STAR OF LAS VEGAS, AND NOBODY WATCHES LAS VEGAS! 467 00:17:16,601 --> 00:17:20,267 [laughter and applause] 468 00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:21,334 SO I ASKED HARRIS-- I'M LIKE, "HEY, HARRIS. 469 00:17:21,367 --> 00:17:22,501 YOU LIKE THE DARK KNIGHT?" 470 00:17:22,534 --> 00:17:23,667 "YEAH." 471 00:17:23,701 --> 00:17:24,734 "IS IT BETTER THAN BURN NOTICE?" 472 00:17:24,767 --> 00:17:25,834 "YEAH." 473 00:17:25,868 --> 00:17:26,667 "IS IT BETTER THAN LAS VEGAS?" 474 00:17:26,701 --> 00:17:28,334 "YEAH." 475 00:17:28,367 --> 00:17:29,634 "IS IT BETTER THAN EATING AT CINNABON?" 476 00:17:29,667 --> 00:17:30,934 "NO." 477 00:17:30,968 --> 00:17:32,634 HEY, I KNEW THAT WOULD GET HIM, 478 00:17:32,667 --> 00:17:33,934 'CAUSE HE'S A LITTLE CHUBBY GUY AND HE LOVES 479 00:17:33,968 --> 00:17:35,601 SHOVING CINNABONS INTO HIS LITTLE CHUBBY FACE. 480 00:17:35,634 --> 00:17:37,701 [muttering] 481 00:17:37,734 --> 00:17:39,300 AND I LOVE THAT ABOUT HIM! 482 00:17:39,334 --> 00:17:41,334 I LOVE THAT HE'S CHUBBY. 483 00:17:41,367 --> 00:17:43,634 'CAUSE THERE'S NOT A LOT OF CHUBBY LITTLE INDIAN KIDS. 484 00:17:43,667 --> 00:17:45,534 MOST OF THEM ARE SMALL AND SKINNY LIKE ME, 485 00:17:45,567 --> 00:17:46,667 BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN YOU SEE A CHUBBY ONE 486 00:17:46,701 --> 00:17:48,033 AND IT'S AWESOME! 487 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,534 IT'S KIND OF LIKE SEEING A SHOOTING STAR 488 00:17:49,567 --> 00:17:51,434 ONLY IT'S FAT, BROWN, AND ON THE GROUND. 489 00:17:51,467 --> 00:17:56,834 [laughter] 490 00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:59,033 I'VE FOUND HARRIS TO BE MOST ENTERTAINED AT ME 491 00:17:59,067 --> 00:18:01,234 WHEN HE'S REALLY ANGRY AT ME. 492 00:18:01,267 --> 00:18:03,601 AND I FOUND THE QUICKEST WAY TO GET HIM ANGRY 493 00:18:03,634 --> 00:18:05,601 IS TO FUCK WITH HIM ON FACEBOOK. 494 00:18:05,634 --> 00:18:07,601 HE DOES NOT LIKE IT. 495 00:18:07,634 --> 00:18:09,767 HE'S GOT HIS LITTLE UPDATES METICULOUSLY PLANNED LIKE, 496 00:18:09,801 --> 00:18:11,634 "HARRIS JUST BECAME A BIG FAN OF WILL SMITH." 497 00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:15,734 AND I'LL WRITE UP THERE, "FUCK WILL SMITH." 498 00:18:15,767 --> 00:18:19,767 AND HE'LL BE LIKE, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" 499 00:18:19,801 --> 00:18:23,400 AND SO ONE TIME I NOTICED HE WAS POSTING A LOT 500 00:18:23,434 --> 00:18:26,968 ON A STUDY GROUP FOR HIS WORLD HISTORY CLASS. 501 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,400 AND I WAS LIKE, "I KNOW WHAT I'LL DO. 502 00:18:29,434 --> 00:18:30,801 "I'LL JOIN THE STUDY GROUP. 503 00:18:30,834 --> 00:18:32,434 "I'LL WRITE ALL THIS DUMB SHIT ON THERE, 504 00:18:32,467 --> 00:18:33,834 "HARRIS WILL GET REALLY PISSED, 505 00:18:33,868 --> 00:18:35,234 AND IT'LL BE AWESOME." 506 00:18:35,267 --> 00:18:38,934 AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW THAT SHIT WENT DOWN! 507 00:18:38,968 --> 00:18:40,767 AS SOON AS I STARTED POSTING, I STARTED GETTING 508 00:18:40,801 --> 00:18:42,767 ALL THESE, LIKE, ANGRY I.M.s FROM HARRIS. 509 00:18:42,801 --> 00:18:44,934 HE'S LIKE, "HEY, MAN, YOU NEED TO GET OFF THE BOARDS." 510 00:18:44,968 --> 00:18:46,367 AND I WAS LIKE, "WHY?" 511 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,934 HE'S LIKE, "THE ADMINS ARE GETTING ON MY CASE." 512 00:18:49,968 --> 00:18:52,100 AND HE POSTS THIS CONVERSATION HE HAD WITH THE ADMIN, 513 00:18:52,133 --> 00:18:54,367 WHERE THE ADMIN'S LIKE, "HEY, HARRIS, WHO'S AZIZ?" 514 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,467 HE'S LIKE, "MY COUSIN. WHY DO YOU ASK?" 515 00:18:56,501 --> 00:18:58,000 HE GOES, "HE'S POSTING ON A.P. WORLD WALL. 516 00:18:58,033 --> 00:18:59,534 DO YOU KNOW WHAT PERIOD HE HAS A.P. WORLD?" 517 00:18:59,567 --> 00:19:02,601 AND HARRIS WRITES IN ALL CAPS, "NO! 518 00:19:02,634 --> 00:19:04,767 YOU GOT TO BOOT HIM NOW!" 519 00:19:04,801 --> 00:19:07,200 WITH, LIKE, 30 "O"s, 30 "W"s, 520 00:19:07,234 --> 00:19:09,634 AND 50 EXCLAMATION POINTS. 521 00:19:09,667 --> 00:19:11,701 AND OTHER PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO GET SUSPICIOUS 522 00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:13,400 OF MY PRESENCE ON THE BOARD AS WELL. 523 00:19:13,434 --> 00:19:15,501 MAYBE BECAUSE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE NINTH GRADE 524 00:19:15,534 --> 00:19:18,968 AND I HAVE A FULL BEARD. 525 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,133 BUT I'M TRYING TO ACT LIKE I BELONG, RIGHT? 526 00:19:21,167 --> 00:19:22,767 THAT I'M IN THE CLASS AND I KNOW WHAT'S UP. 527 00:19:22,801 --> 00:19:24,667 SO THERE WAS, LIKE, A CONTROVERSY 528 00:19:24,701 --> 00:19:25,901 ABOUT THIS ONE QUIZ QUESTION, AND I WAS LIKE, 529 00:19:25,934 --> 00:19:27,300 "I KNOW WHAT I'LL DO. 530 00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:29,300 "I'LL GO INDEPENDENTLY DO SOME RESEARCH 531 00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:30,934 "AND I'LL POST MY FINDINGS ON THE BOARD. 532 00:19:30,968 --> 00:19:33,300 THEY'LL THINK I'M SMART AND THAT I BELONG IN THE CLASS." 533 00:19:33,334 --> 00:19:34,801 SO THE NEXT POST I WROTE WAS, 534 00:19:34,834 --> 00:19:36,968 "GUYS, I'VE BEEN DOING SOME RESEARCH. 535 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,901 "I THINK THE VIEWS ON SALVATION IN BUDDHISM AND CHRISTIANITY 536 00:19:39,934 --> 00:19:41,400 "ARE FAR FROM SIMILAR. 537 00:19:41,434 --> 00:19:42,968 "IN BUDDHISM, SALVATION IS SOMETHING ONE CAN ONLY 538 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,634 "ACHIEVE THROUGH THE NOBLE EIGHTFOLD PATH, 539 00:19:44,667 --> 00:19:46,334 "WHEREAS IN CHRISTIANITY, SALVATION IS GIVEN 540 00:19:46,367 --> 00:19:48,133 "TO ALL THOSE WHOM ACCEPT JESUS CHRIST AS THEIR SAVIOR. 541 00:19:48,167 --> 00:19:49,934 "QUOTE, 'FOR WHOMSOEVER SHALL CALL UPON THE NAME OF THE LORD' 542 00:19:49,968 --> 00:19:51,968 "'SHALL BE SAVED,' ROMANS 10:13. 543 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,868 "I HATE TO SAY IT, GUYS, BUT OUR TEACHER 544 00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:56,334 MR. EDELSTEIN IS RIGHT." 545 00:19:56,367 --> 00:19:58,934 BAM! 546 00:19:58,968 --> 00:20:00,467 AND THEN I WAITED, LIKE, TWO MINUTES 547 00:20:00,501 --> 00:20:01,968 AND THEN I WROTE THIS. 548 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:05,000 "GUYS, I JUST GOT AN EMAIL FROM MR. EDELSTEIN! 549 00:20:05,033 --> 00:20:06,434 "HE READ WHAT I WROTE HERE AND GAVE ME 550 00:20:06,467 --> 00:20:08,467 "AN EXTRA POINT ON THE QUIZ. 551 00:20:08,501 --> 00:20:11,601 "HE SAID I SHOWED INITIATIVE AND CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS. 552 00:20:11,634 --> 00:20:14,501 WHAT A COOL GUY!" 553 00:20:14,534 --> 00:20:20,300 AND THEN THIS KID REPLIED, "WHAT?" 554 00:20:20,334 --> 00:20:25,400 AND THEN AT THIS POINT, HARRIS GOT FUCKING FURIOUS. 555 00:20:25,434 --> 00:20:27,133 HE'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SHOULD HAVE WROTE 556 00:20:27,167 --> 00:20:29,367 THAT WALL POST, AZIZ," AND I WAS LIKE, "WHY?" 557 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:30,834 HE GOES, "WHAT IF PEOPLE GO IN TOMORROW AND SAY, 558 00:20:30,868 --> 00:20:31,901 "'HEY EDELSTEIN, I HEARD YOU GAVE AZIZ 559 00:20:31,934 --> 00:20:33,234 "'AN EXTRA POINT ON THE QUIZ. 560 00:20:33,267 --> 00:20:34,501 "'CAN I GET AN EXTRA POINT BACK TOO, 561 00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:35,968 "BECAUSE I PUT THE SAME THING HE DID?' 562 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:36,968 "AND HE'LL BE LIKE, 'I DON'T TEACH AZIZ. 563 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,634 THAT PERSON DOESN'T EXIST.'" 564 00:20:38,667 --> 00:20:39,834 AND I WAS LIKE, "FUCK YOU, HARRIS. 565 00:20:39,868 --> 00:20:41,834 I DO EXIST." 566 00:20:41,868 --> 00:20:44,167 AND THEN HE STARTS ATTACKING ME PUBLICLY ON THE BOARDS. 567 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:47,033 HE WRITES IN ALL CAPS, "AZIZ, GET OUT OF THIS GROUP!" 568 00:20:47,067 --> 00:20:48,701 WITH, LIKE, A BUNCH OF EXCLAMATION POINTS 569 00:20:48,734 --> 00:20:50,200 AND THEN EMOTICONS THAT ARE LIKE-- 570 00:20:50,234 --> 00:20:52,033 [angry chattering] 571 00:20:52,067 --> 00:20:53,367 AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO BE, HARRIS, 572 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:57,434 YOU EATING CINNABON ALL DAY?" 573 00:20:57,467 --> 00:20:59,534 AND THEN I STARTED MOUNTING MY OFFENSIVE. 574 00:20:59,567 --> 00:21:00,767 I STARTED POKING HIM LIKE CRAZY. 575 00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:02,133 I STARTED SENDING HIM VAMPIRE REQUESTS, 576 00:21:02,167 --> 00:21:03,868 WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS. 577 00:21:03,901 --> 00:21:07,434 HE'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON." 578 00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:10,767 AND THEN HE WRITES UP THERE-- HE GOES, "HEY, EVERYONE. 579 00:21:10,801 --> 00:21:12,467 "IF I WERE YOU, I WOULDN'T GO TO EDELSTEIN 580 00:21:12,501 --> 00:21:13,934 "AND ASK FOR POINTS BACK ON THAT QUESTION. 581 00:21:13,968 --> 00:21:16,167 I'M POSITIVE YOU WON'T GET THE POINTS BACK." 582 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:17,701 AND THEN I WRITE, "NO, GUYS. 583 00:21:17,734 --> 00:21:19,834 "I JUST TALKED TO EDELSTEIN AGAIN. 584 00:21:19,868 --> 00:21:22,601 "YOU'LL DEFINITELY GET THE POINTS BACK. 585 00:21:22,634 --> 00:21:26,067 "JUST MENTION MY NAME AND THE FACT THAT I EXIST. 586 00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:29,133 FUCK YOU, HARRIS!" 587 00:21:29,167 --> 00:21:34,400 THEN-- 588 00:21:34,434 --> 00:21:37,367 AND THEN THIS KID WRITES, "YOU'RE NOT EVEN IN THIS CLASS. 589 00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:38,968 YOU'RE THE GUY FROM THAT TV SHOW." 590 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,467 AND SOME OTHER KID WRITES, "WHAT TV SHOW ARE YOU ON?" 591 00:21:41,501 --> 00:21:44,200 AND I WRITE, "GOSSIP GIRL." 592 00:21:44,234 --> 00:21:46,501 AND THEN I GOT KICKED THE FUCK OUT. 593 00:21:46,534 --> 00:21:50,434 [laughter and applause] 594 00:21:56,434 --> 00:21:58,868 I DO THIS-- DO THIS TV SHOW RIGHT NOW, 595 00:21:58,901 --> 00:22:00,868 AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU PROMOTE A TV SHOW 596 00:22:00,901 --> 00:22:02,868 YOU'RE ON, YOU GOT TO DO A LOT OF INTERVIEWS AND STUFF. 597 00:22:02,901 --> 00:22:05,801 AND I WAS DOING AN INTERVIEW ONCE AND THIS GUY GOES, 598 00:22:05,834 --> 00:22:07,501 "SO YOU MUST BE PRETTY PSYCHED 599 00:22:07,534 --> 00:22:10,667 BY ALL THIS SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE STUFF." 600 00:22:10,701 --> 00:22:13,167 AND I LIKE, "UM, YEAH, I AM! 601 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:14,834 "I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THOUGH. 602 00:22:14,868 --> 00:22:16,968 "I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT MOVIE. 603 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,601 "IT'S JUST SOME PEOPLE THAT KIND OF LOOK LIKE ME 604 00:22:18,634 --> 00:22:20,367 "ARE IN THIS MOVIE THAT EVERYONE LOVES 605 00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:21,767 AND WINNING OSCARS AND STUFF." 606 00:22:21,801 --> 00:22:24,167 AND I WAS LIKE, "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. 607 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,701 ARE WHITE PEOPLE JUST PSYCHED ALL THE TIME?" 608 00:22:26,734 --> 00:22:28,601 IT'S LIKE, "BACK TO THE FUTURE, THAT'S US! 609 00:22:28,634 --> 00:22:31,167 "GODFATHER, THAT'S US! GODFATHER PART TWO, THAT'S US! 610 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,367 "DEPARTED, THAT'S US! SUNSET BOULEVARD, THAT'S US! 611 00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:35,567 "CITIZEN KANE, THAT'S US! JAWS, THAT'S US! 612 00:22:35,601 --> 00:22:37,901 "EVERY FUCKING MOVIE BUT SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE 613 00:22:37,934 --> 00:22:40,067 "AND BOYZ N THE HOOD IS US! 614 00:22:40,100 --> 00:22:42,567 WE ARE WHITE PEOPLE! SUCK OUR DICKS!" 615 00:22:42,601 --> 00:22:46,534 [laughter and applause] 616 00:22:49,033 --> 00:22:53,033 [chuckles] 617 00:22:53,067 --> 00:22:55,868 I DID THIS SHOW ON MTV ONCE 618 00:22:55,901 --> 00:22:57,834 AND, UM, MTV's GREAT. 619 00:22:57,868 --> 00:22:59,801 THEY LET US DO THIS SHOW, AND LET US MAKE IT AWESOME 620 00:22:59,834 --> 00:23:01,234 HOWEVER WE WANTED, AND CREATIVELY, 621 00:23:01,267 --> 00:23:03,634 THEY WERE SO AWESOME AND IT WAS SO COOL. 622 00:23:03,667 --> 00:23:05,100 HOWEVER, I GOT TO SAY, SOME OF THE SHOWS 623 00:23:05,133 --> 00:23:07,434 ON THE NETWORK, NOT REALLY MY CUP OF TEA. 624 00:23:07,467 --> 00:23:08,534 UH, MAINLY BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE 625 00:23:08,567 --> 00:23:10,801 HUGE PIECES OF SHIT IN MY TEA. 626 00:23:10,834 --> 00:23:15,501 [laughter and applause] 627 00:23:18,667 --> 00:23:22,534 I--I WAS WATCHING THIS DATING SHOW ON THERE CALLED NEXT. 628 00:23:22,567 --> 00:23:25,634 MAN, IF ANYONE HERE HAS EVER BEEN A CONTESTANT ON NEXT, 629 00:23:25,667 --> 00:23:28,334 DO ME A FAVOR AND GO AWAY AND DIE. 630 00:23:28,367 --> 00:23:30,534 'CAUSE YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON AND I DON'T WANT COMEDY 631 00:23:30,567 --> 00:23:32,000 BRINGING ANY KIND OF SATISFACTION 632 00:23:32,033 --> 00:23:33,601 INTO YOUR MISERABLE EXISTENCE. 633 00:23:33,634 --> 00:23:36,701 [laughter] 634 00:23:36,734 --> 00:23:38,100 FIRST GUY THAT COMES OUT, RIGHT? 635 00:23:38,133 --> 00:23:39,801 HE'S THE GUY GOING OUT ON THE DATES. 636 00:23:39,834 --> 00:23:41,534 AND HE COMES UP THERE AND HE SAYS THIS--HE GOES, 637 00:23:41,567 --> 00:23:43,167 "YO, THIS GIRL BETTER BE PRETTY, 638 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:44,467 "'CAUSE IF SHE'S A PAIN IN THE ASS, 639 00:23:44,501 --> 00:23:47,834 I'M GONNA NEED SOMETHING CUTE TO LOOK AT." 640 00:23:47,868 --> 00:23:50,167 AND I WAS STUNNED THAT HE COULD SAY THAT. 641 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:51,534 THAT'S SO OFFENSIVE. 642 00:23:51,567 --> 00:23:54,300 AND AT THE SAME TIME, ON MY SHOW, 643 00:23:54,334 --> 00:23:56,334 THEY DIDN'T WANT US TO SAY THAT A CHARACTER 644 00:23:56,367 --> 00:23:58,901 WAS RAPED BY A DINOSAUR. 645 00:23:58,934 --> 00:24:01,601 RAPED BY A DINOSAUR! 646 00:24:01,634 --> 00:24:03,667 'CAUSE THAT'S TOO OFFENSIVE. 647 00:24:03,701 --> 00:24:05,067 OH, I GUESS THEY DIDN'T WANT ALL THESE ANGRY LETTERS 648 00:24:05,100 --> 00:24:07,000 FROM PALEONTOLOGISTS WHO ARE LIKE, "HEY, MAN! 649 00:24:07,033 --> 00:24:08,267 "THERE'S NOTHING IN THE FOSSIL RECORDS TO SUGGEST 650 00:24:08,300 --> 00:24:09,934 "THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR. 651 00:24:09,968 --> 00:24:12,200 SO WHY DON'T YOU CHILL WITH YOUR ACCUSATIONS?" 652 00:24:12,234 --> 00:24:16,701 [laughter and applause] 653 00:24:16,734 --> 00:24:18,534 AND THEN AFTER YOU MEET THIS DUDE, 654 00:24:18,567 --> 00:24:20,868 THEN YOU MEET THE GIRLS HE'S GOING OUT ON THE DATES WITH. 655 00:24:20,901 --> 00:24:23,033 AND THEY COME UP THERE AND THEY SAY THINGS LIKE, 656 00:24:23,067 --> 00:24:25,601 "IF HE HAS A NECK TATTOO, I'M GONNA LICK IT." 657 00:24:25,634 --> 00:24:27,467 [laughter] 658 00:24:27,501 --> 00:24:28,868 IT'S LIKE WHOA! 659 00:24:28,901 --> 00:24:31,000 HOW SLUTTY CAN YOU BE IN FIVE SECONDS? 660 00:24:31,033 --> 00:24:33,167 AND AFTER THEY SAY THAT, THEY FREEZE, 661 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:35,934 AND, LIKE, THREE FACTS ABOUT 'EM POP UP ON THE LEFT SIDE. 662 00:24:35,968 --> 00:24:37,934 AND THE FIRST TWO FACTS ARE ALWAYS REALLY NORMAL, 663 00:24:37,968 --> 00:24:40,300 BUT THE THIRD FACT ALWAYS COMES WAY OUT OF LEFT FIELD. 664 00:24:40,334 --> 00:24:42,501 IT'S ALWAYS LIKE, "MONICA'S 22. 665 00:24:42,534 --> 00:24:44,167 "SHE'S A HAIRDRESSER IN HOLLYWOOD 666 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:47,133 AND SHE HATES PURPLE GIFT WRAP." 667 00:24:47,167 --> 00:24:50,133 LIKE, HOW DOES THAT DEFINE HER AS A PERSON?" 668 00:24:50,167 --> 00:24:51,801 AND THE WHOLE SHOW JUST BUMMED ME OUT, MAN. 669 00:24:51,834 --> 00:24:53,634 'CAUSE THE THINGS THEY TRY TO KEEP OFF TV 670 00:24:53,667 --> 00:24:56,000 ARE JUST, LIKE, REALLY EXPLICIT SEX OR VIOLENCE, 671 00:24:56,033 --> 00:24:58,033 AND NO ONE CARES ABOUT THEIR KIDS SEEING ATTITUDES 672 00:24:58,067 --> 00:25:00,467 LIKE THAT ON TV, AND THAT'S WAY WORSE TO ME. 673 00:25:00,501 --> 00:25:02,133 LIKE, I'D MUCH RATHER HAVE A DAUGHTER 674 00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:05,067 THAT GREW UP AND SHOT ME IN THE LEG AND BURNED MY HOUSE DOWN, 675 00:25:05,100 --> 00:25:06,968 THEN SOME REALLY SLUTTY GIRL THAT, 676 00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:09,133 "HATES THE SOUND OF PEOPLE EATING BANANAS." 677 00:25:09,167 --> 00:25:13,334 [laughter] 678 00:25:13,367 --> 00:25:16,300 MY FAVORITE THIRD FACT I EVER SAW ON NEXT THOUGH 679 00:25:16,334 --> 00:25:18,434 WAS THIS ONE GUY NAMED CLARENCE. 680 00:25:18,467 --> 00:25:22,467 HIS THIRD FACT WAS THAT HE HATES THE PHRASE "RIVER VIEW." 681 00:25:22,501 --> 00:25:23,868 YOU DIDN'T MISHEAR ME. 682 00:25:23,901 --> 00:25:25,334 WHEN THE WORDS "RIVER" AND "VIEW" 683 00:25:25,367 --> 00:25:26,534 START COMING TOGETHER, CLARENCE IS LIKE, 684 00:25:26,567 --> 00:25:29,534 "HOLD UP! DON'T DO THAT!" 685 00:25:29,567 --> 00:25:31,000 I WAS LIKE, "WHAT WOULD MAKE A MAN 686 00:25:31,033 --> 00:25:32,501 HATE THE PHRASE 'RIVER VIEW'?" 687 00:25:32,534 --> 00:25:34,300 AND I COULD ONLY THINK OF ONE SCENARIO 688 00:25:34,334 --> 00:25:38,467 AND IT'S TERRIBLE, BUT I HAVE TO SHARE IT WITH YOU. 689 00:25:38,501 --> 00:25:41,133 SO ONE DAY, THIS GUY CLARENCE IS COMING HOME, RIGHT? 690 00:25:41,167 --> 00:25:43,000 AND HE'S WALKING DOWN A DARK ALLEY, 691 00:25:43,033 --> 00:25:45,100 AND GETS JUMPED BY THIS MOTORCYCLE GANG 692 00:25:45,133 --> 00:25:47,267 AND THEY JUST START RAPING HIM, RIGHT? 693 00:25:47,300 --> 00:25:50,300 AND ALL HE CAN SEE IS THIS SIGN THAT SAYS "RIVER VIEW." 694 00:25:50,334 --> 00:25:52,868 AND THESE GUYS ARE JUST LIKE, "SAY IT, CLARENCE! SAY IT!" 695 00:25:52,901 --> 00:25:54,467 HE'S LIKE, "RIVER VIEW! RIVER VIEW! RIVER VIEW! 696 00:25:54,501 --> 00:25:56,133 RIVER VIEW! RIVER VIEW! R-R-R-R-R-ROO!" 697 00:25:56,167 --> 00:25:58,234 SO, YEAH, IF YOU WERE RAPED BY THE RIVER VIEW RAPE GANG, 698 00:25:58,267 --> 00:26:00,067 SURE, HATE THE PHRASE "RIVER VIEW." 699 00:26:00,100 --> 00:26:02,801 OTHERWISE JUST STOP LOOKING AT PROPERTY IN THAT AREA! 700 00:26:02,834 --> 00:26:06,467 [laughter and applause] 701 00:26:06,501 --> 00:26:09,767 I THINK YOU NOTICED SOMETHING REALLY WEIRD ABOUT ME 702 00:26:09,801 --> 00:26:11,067 WHEN I DO THAT BIT, 703 00:26:11,100 --> 00:26:13,601 AND THAT IS THAT I'M A VERY LAZY RAPIST. 704 00:26:13,634 --> 00:26:16,100 I JUST BEND MY KNEES A LITTLE BIT, VERY LOW IMPACT. 705 00:26:16,133 --> 00:26:18,234 ANYBODY THAT'S WORRIED ABOUT GETTING RAPED BY ME 706 00:26:18,267 --> 00:26:20,801 AFTER THE SHOW IS LIKE, "MAN, IT'S NOT GONNA BE THAT BAD. 707 00:26:20,834 --> 00:26:23,400 "I GOT RAPED BY AZIZ AFTER THE SHOW LAST NIGHT. 708 00:26:23,434 --> 00:26:27,701 THAT WAS PRETTY REFRESHING." 709 00:26:27,734 --> 00:26:31,334 I MET THIS GUY WHEN I WAS BACK HOME LAST TIME 710 00:26:31,367 --> 00:26:33,767 WHO WAS A DOCTOR AND HE MOVED FROM SOME COUNTRY IN ASIA 711 00:26:33,801 --> 00:26:36,300 TO ALABAMA. 712 00:26:36,334 --> 00:26:39,300 AND I WAS LIKE, "MAN, OUT OF ALL THE STATES IN THE COUNTRY, 713 00:26:39,334 --> 00:26:40,868 WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE ALABAMA?" 714 00:26:40,901 --> 00:26:43,000 AND HE GOES, "OH, WELL, I DON'T HAVE MY GREEN CARD YET, 715 00:26:43,033 --> 00:26:44,934 "SO IF I WORK IN A PLACE THAT'S UNDERSERVED, 716 00:26:44,968 --> 00:26:47,834 LIKE ALABAMA, THEY'LL GIVE ME A WAIVER." 717 00:26:47,868 --> 00:26:50,934 I WAS LIKE, "WHOA, THAT'S KIND OF A WEIRD DEAL." 718 00:26:50,968 --> 00:26:52,300 GOVERNMENT'S LIKE, "OH, YEAH, YOU CAN COME 719 00:26:52,334 --> 00:26:53,467 "TO THE UNITED STATES. COME ON. COME ON. 720 00:26:53,501 --> 00:26:54,767 "YEAH, YOU, COME ON. COME ON. COME ON. 721 00:26:54,801 --> 00:26:56,367 BUT YOU GOT TO GO TO ALABAMA." 722 00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,501 [laughter] 723 00:26:58,534 --> 00:26:59,801 IT'S KIND OF LIKE A GIRL GOING, 724 00:26:59,834 --> 00:27:00,968 "YEAH, YOU CAN SEE ME NAKED, 725 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:02,734 "BUT YOU CAN ONLY LOOK AT MY LEFT ELBOW 726 00:27:02,767 --> 00:27:05,067 AND MY LEFT ELBOW'S RACIST." 727 00:27:05,100 --> 00:27:08,767 [laughter and applause] 728 00:27:12,667 --> 00:27:14,267 I LIKE LIVING IN L.A. 729 00:27:14,300 --> 00:27:16,300 ONE THING I DON'T LIKE ABOUT LIVING HERE IS DRIVING. 730 00:27:16,334 --> 00:27:18,000 I ALWAYS GET BORED WHEN I'M DRIVING. 731 00:27:18,033 --> 00:27:19,934 AND WHEN I GET BORED, I GO ON THE INTERNET 732 00:27:19,968 --> 00:27:23,501 ON MY BLACKBERRY, SO I'M GONNA DIE! 733 00:27:23,534 --> 00:27:25,667 AND WHENEVER THEY GO THROUGH THE WRECKAGE, 734 00:27:25,701 --> 00:27:27,133 THEY'LL FIND MY PHONE AND BE LIKE, 735 00:27:27,167 --> 00:27:29,501 "WHOA! THAT'S WHAT HE LOOKED UP RIGHT BEFORE HE DIED?" 736 00:27:29,534 --> 00:27:30,934 GONNA BE SO SAD. IT'LL BE LIKE, 737 00:27:30,968 --> 00:27:33,434 "COMEDIAN AZIZ ANSARI WAS KILLED IN A CAR ACCIDENT TODAY. 738 00:27:33,467 --> 00:27:35,300 "HE WAS STRUCK BY ANOTHER VEHICLE 739 00:27:35,334 --> 00:27:37,667 "WHILE USING IMDB TO SEE IF VAL KILMER 740 00:27:37,701 --> 00:27:40,701 "WAS INDEED IN THE FILM WILLOW. 741 00:27:40,734 --> 00:27:42,834 "REPRESENTATIVES FROM MR. KILMER CONFIRMED HE WAS 742 00:27:42,868 --> 00:27:45,100 "INDEED IN THE THE FILM, AND HOPES THIS WILL PREVENT 743 00:27:45,133 --> 00:27:47,968 "FUTURE TRAGEDIES OF THIS NATURE. 744 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:51,934 "THIS IS THE THIRD WILLOW-RELATED DEATH THIS YEAR. 745 00:27:51,968 --> 00:27:55,300 "COMEDIAN AZIZ ANSARI WAS KILLED IN A CAR ACCIDENT TODAY. 746 00:27:55,334 --> 00:27:57,334 "HE WAS STRUCK BY ANOTHER VEHICLE WHILE CHECKING 747 00:27:57,367 --> 00:28:00,434 "SHOWTIMES FOR UP ON FANDANGO. 748 00:28:00,467 --> 00:28:03,534 "HE JUST PURCHASED A SINGLE TICKET FOR A 4:00 SHOW 749 00:28:03,567 --> 00:28:05,634 "AT A $2 THEATER IN ORDER TO LIVE OUT 750 00:28:05,667 --> 00:28:09,601 "THE SADDEST AFTERNOON OF ALL-TIME. 751 00:28:09,634 --> 00:28:12,968 "COMEDY BAD BOY AZIZ ANSARI, A-K-A COMEDY HEARTTHROB 752 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:17,601 "AZIZ ANSARI, WAS KILLED IN AN AWFUL AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT TODAY. 753 00:28:17,634 --> 00:28:18,801 "HE WAS STRUCK BY ANOTHER VEHICLE 754 00:28:18,834 --> 00:28:20,467 WHILE GOOGLING HIS OWN NAME." 755 00:28:20,501 --> 00:28:23,601 [laughter] 756 00:28:23,634 --> 00:28:25,801 I DO DO THAT, MAN. IT'S HARD NOT TO. 757 00:28:25,834 --> 00:28:27,334 EVERYONE I KNOW, THEY GOOGLE THEIR NAME, 758 00:28:27,367 --> 00:28:29,434 SEE WHAT PEOPLE WRITE, AND IT'S SO FUNNY TO READ IT, 759 00:28:29,467 --> 00:28:31,167 'CAUSE PEOPLE ALWAYS THINK LIKE, 760 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:32,901 "OH, MAN, THERE'S NO WAY HE'D HAVE TIME TO EVER READ THIS." 761 00:28:32,934 --> 00:28:34,968 HA-HA! YEAH, I DO. I DON'T DO ANYTHING! 762 00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:36,734 I TAKE NAPS ALL DAY! 763 00:28:36,767 --> 00:28:39,767 AND... 764 00:28:39,801 --> 00:28:42,267 I READ THIS ONE TIME THIS GIRL, LIKE, HAD WRITTEN ABOUT, 765 00:28:42,300 --> 00:28:44,367 LIKE, HOW SHE HAD A CELEBRITY CRUSH... 766 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:45,868 ON ME. 767 00:28:45,901 --> 00:28:47,367 AND IT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE SHE NEVER THOUGHT 768 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:48,701 IN A MILLION YEARS THAT I'D READ THAT. 769 00:28:48,734 --> 00:28:50,133 YOU KNOW, NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD I READ THAT. 770 00:28:50,167 --> 00:28:55,367 BUT I DID. [laughter] 771 00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:57,534 SO ONE DAY I'M JUST GONNA EMAIL HER AND BE LIKE, 772 00:28:57,567 --> 00:29:00,767 "HEY! IT'S ME, AZIZ! 773 00:29:00,801 --> 00:29:03,801 "I HEARD YOU HAVE A CELEBRITY CRUSH ON ME. 774 00:29:03,834 --> 00:29:07,534 "I'M A LOT LONELIER THAN YOU THINK I AM. 775 00:29:07,567 --> 00:29:09,300 WHERE IS YOUR HOUSE? I WILL COME THERE NOW!" 776 00:29:09,334 --> 00:29:12,300 [laughter] 777 00:29:14,534 --> 00:29:15,834 I LOVE PERFORMING AT MUSIC FESTIVALS. 778 00:29:15,868 --> 00:29:17,434 THAT'S ALWAYS FUN. 779 00:29:17,467 --> 00:29:18,968 I DID THIS FESTIVAL CALLED BONNAROO 780 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:21,100 AND IT'S REALLY COOL, 'CAUSE THEY HAVE, LIKE, 781 00:29:21,133 --> 00:29:23,801 INDIE-ROCK STUFF AND, LIKE, HIPPIE STUFF COMING TOGETHER. 782 00:29:23,834 --> 00:29:25,267 LIKE, THEY HAD THIS WEIRD HIPPIE THING THERE 783 00:29:25,300 --> 00:29:27,400 CALLED "THE SONIC FOREST." 784 00:29:27,434 --> 00:29:29,767 AND THAT WAS BASICALLY-- THEY'D HAVE THESE POLES SET UP 785 00:29:29,801 --> 00:29:31,167 AND YOU'D SLAP THE SIDES OF THE POLES 786 00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:32,834 AND ALL THESE BELLS AND WHISTLES AND LIGHTS WOULD GO OFF 787 00:29:32,868 --> 00:29:34,300 AND THEY HAD, LIKE, 30 OF 'EM IN ONE LITTLE AREA, 788 00:29:34,334 --> 00:29:35,734 AND IT WAS LIKE, "THAT'S THE SONIC FOREST." 789 00:29:35,767 --> 00:29:37,734 I WAS LIKE, "MAN, HOW DUMB ARE THOSE HIPPIES 790 00:29:37,767 --> 00:29:39,400 TO BE ENTERTAINED BY SOMETHING SO STUPID?" 791 00:29:39,434 --> 00:29:40,801 [chuckles] 792 00:29:40,834 --> 00:29:42,801 AND THEN THE LAST DAY I WAS THERE, I ATE MUSHROOMS. 793 00:29:42,834 --> 00:29:44,100 AND THEN I WAS LIKE, 794 00:29:44,133 --> 00:29:45,334 * SONIC FOREST 795 00:29:45,367 --> 00:29:47,767 * I TOTALLY GET YOU NOW 796 00:29:47,801 --> 00:29:49,367 AND I SLAPPED THE SHIT OUT OF THOSE POLES 797 00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:52,167 FOR, LIKE, FOUR HOURS, 'CAUSE THE SONIC FOREST 798 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:54,133 IS THE GREATEST IDEA EVER! 799 00:29:54,167 --> 00:29:57,067 [laughter] 800 00:29:58,901 --> 00:30:02,033 I DID A FESTIVAL IN TELLURIDE, COLORADO, ONCE. 801 00:30:02,067 --> 00:30:03,200 IT'S A SKI TOWN. 802 00:30:03,234 --> 00:30:04,534 NOT A LOT OF MINORITIES THERE. 803 00:30:04,567 --> 00:30:08,267 AND I WAS TALKING TO THIS DUDE AND HE WAS LIKE, 804 00:30:08,300 --> 00:30:11,000 "YO, MAN, BEFORE YOU GO, I GOT TO ASK YOU ONE THING. 805 00:30:11,033 --> 00:30:13,667 WHERE ARE YOU FROM?" 806 00:30:13,701 --> 00:30:15,501 AND I WENT, "WELL, I'M FROM SOUTH CAROLINA, 807 00:30:15,534 --> 00:30:17,300 BUT MY PARENTS ARE FROM INDIA." 808 00:30:17,334 --> 00:30:19,234 AND HE WENT, "WHAT? 809 00:30:19,267 --> 00:30:22,334 BUT YOU TALK EXACTLY LIKE I DO!" 810 00:30:22,367 --> 00:30:24,300 AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL, I MEAN, HERE'S THE THING, MAN. 811 00:30:24,334 --> 00:30:26,033 "THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT COME HERE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES 812 00:30:26,067 --> 00:30:27,834 "AND, YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE CHILDREN HERE, 813 00:30:27,868 --> 00:30:29,400 "THEY GROW UP IN THIS SOCIETY, 814 00:30:29,434 --> 00:30:30,634 "AND SOMETIMES THEY DON'T HAVE ACCENTS. 815 00:30:30,667 --> 00:30:33,000 THEY'RE CALLED IMMIGRANTS." 816 00:30:33,033 --> 00:30:35,567 AND THEN I SHOWED HIM A VIDEO OF AN ASIAN KID RAPPING, 817 00:30:35,601 --> 00:30:37,334 AND HIS HEAD EXPLODED. 818 00:30:37,367 --> 00:30:40,267 [laughter] 819 00:30:43,067 --> 00:30:44,868 I WENT TO A PLACE RECENTLY I THINK IS ONE 820 00:30:44,901 --> 00:30:47,200 OF THE MOST FUCKED UP PLACES I'VE EVER BEEN TO. 821 00:30:47,234 --> 00:30:49,133 I'M CONVINCED THIS PLACE IS THE EPITOME OF AMERICAN EXCESS, 822 00:30:49,167 --> 00:30:50,701 OF AMERICAN GREED. 823 00:30:50,734 --> 00:30:53,901 I'M TALKING ABOUT A PLACE CALLED COLD STONE CREAMERY. 824 00:30:53,934 --> 00:30:55,701 WHOA. 825 00:30:55,734 --> 00:30:58,033 IF YOU HAVE NOT BEEN THERE, THE BASIC GIST OF COLD STONE 826 00:30:58,067 --> 00:30:59,501 IS THAT THEY TAKE ICE CREAM 827 00:30:59,534 --> 00:31:01,434 AND THEN THEY JUST GO APE SHIT WITH IT. 828 00:31:01,467 --> 00:31:03,200 THEY'RE JUST, LIKE, SLAMMING BROWNIES 829 00:31:03,234 --> 00:31:04,767 AND GUMMY BEARS AND JUST HAMMERING IT IN THERE. 830 00:31:04,801 --> 00:31:06,434 WHATEVER FAT PEOPLE WANT IN THERE. 831 00:31:06,467 --> 00:31:08,033 SNICKERS BAR, CHEESEBURGER! 832 00:31:08,067 --> 00:31:10,133 LET ME FUCK A BUTTERFINGER INTO IT FOR YOU. 833 00:31:10,167 --> 00:31:11,767 IT'S LIKE, "WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! 834 00:31:11,801 --> 00:31:13,000 "JESUS! 835 00:31:13,033 --> 00:31:15,501 "THIS IS WAY TOO INTENSE FOR ME. 836 00:31:15,534 --> 00:31:17,267 "IS THAT GUY'S DICK A BUTTERFINGER? 837 00:31:17,300 --> 00:31:18,868 "WHAT JUST HAPPENED? 838 00:31:18,901 --> 00:31:21,300 "WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! 839 00:31:21,334 --> 00:31:23,534 "I THINK I'LL JUST HAVE A SMALL CUP OF VANILLA IF THAT'S OKAY. 840 00:31:23,567 --> 00:31:25,133 THIS IS JUST TOO INTENSE FOR ME." 841 00:31:25,167 --> 00:31:27,167 LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER'S LIKE, "NO, NO, NO! 842 00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:28,801 "YOU SHOULD TRY ONE OF OUR CREATIONS 843 00:31:28,834 --> 00:31:30,300 "LIKE BIRTHDAY CAKE REMIX, WHERE WE TAKE CAKE BATTER 844 00:31:30,334 --> 00:31:32,300 ICE CREAM, YELLOW CAKE, FUDGE CHUNKS, SPRINKLES!" 845 00:31:32,334 --> 00:31:34,534 IT'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW, THAT JUST SOUNDS TOO INTENSE FOR ME. 846 00:31:34,567 --> 00:31:35,701 I'LL JUST HAVE A SMALL CUP OF VANILLA." 847 00:31:35,734 --> 00:31:38,033 SHE GOES, "QUIT BEING A BITCH!" 848 00:31:38,067 --> 00:31:40,667 WHOA! 849 00:31:40,701 --> 00:31:42,701 AND THEN I COULDN'T EVEN GET A SMALL 850 00:31:42,734 --> 00:31:44,801 'CAUSE THEIR SIZES ARE ACTUALLY, 851 00:31:44,834 --> 00:31:48,834 "LIKE IT," "LOVE IT," AND "GOTTA HAVE IT"! 852 00:31:48,868 --> 00:31:51,634 WHAT KIND OF CRACKHEAD TERMINOLOGY IS THAT? 853 00:31:51,667 --> 00:31:52,901 "HEY, WHAT SIZE YOU WANT, MAN?" 854 00:31:52,934 --> 00:31:54,467 "I DON'T KNOW, MAN! I JUST GOTTA HAVE IT! 855 00:31:54,501 --> 00:31:56,000 "PUT SOME ICE CREAM IN A CUP! 856 00:31:56,033 --> 00:31:58,033 I'M TWEAKING! I'M TWEAKING! I'M TWEAKING!" 857 00:31:58,067 --> 00:32:02,133 [laughter] 858 00:32:02,167 --> 00:32:03,534 AND, YOU KNOW, I FELT BAD FOR PEOPLE 859 00:32:03,567 --> 00:32:04,767 THAT HAD TO WORK THERE, MAN. 860 00:32:04,801 --> 00:32:06,133 SO I WAS LIKE, "AWW, I'M GONNA DROP 861 00:32:06,167 --> 00:32:07,701 A COUPLE OF DOLLARS IN THE TIP JAR ON MY WAY OUT." 862 00:32:07,734 --> 00:32:10,634 WHOA, THAT'S WHEN ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! 863 00:32:10,667 --> 00:32:12,701 'CAUSE APPARENTLY WHENEVER THEY GET EVEN $1 864 00:32:12,734 --> 00:32:15,133 IN THE TIP JAR, ALL FIVE EMPLOYEES 865 00:32:15,167 --> 00:32:18,467 ARE REQUIRED TO BUMP OUT INTO A SONG AND DANCE NUMBER 866 00:32:18,501 --> 00:32:20,200 WHERE THEY TAKE CURRENT POPULAR MUSIC 867 00:32:20,234 --> 00:32:22,100 AND SHOVE COLD STONE LINGO INTO IT, 868 00:32:22,133 --> 00:32:24,434 AS IF THEY'RE SOME RETARDED SECOND COUSIN OF WEIRD AL 869 00:32:24,467 --> 00:32:26,267 THAT'S OBSESSED WITH ICE CREAM. 870 00:32:26,300 --> 00:32:27,667 AND IT'S RIDICULOUS. 871 00:32:27,701 --> 00:32:31,367 FIVE PEOPLE ARE SINGING AND DANCING FOR $1. 872 00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:34,200 THAT'S 20 CENTS A PERSON! 873 00:32:34,234 --> 00:32:36,334 IF YOU SAW A HOMELESS DUDE OUTSIDE A COLD STONE, 874 00:32:36,367 --> 00:32:37,734 YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY, MAN, I'LL GIVE YOU 20 CENTS 875 00:32:37,767 --> 00:32:38,901 TO SING SOME SONGS ABOUT COLD STONE." 876 00:32:38,934 --> 00:32:40,868 HE'D GO, "HEY, MAN. GO FUCK YOURSELF! 877 00:32:40,901 --> 00:32:42,567 THAT'S DEGRADING!" 878 00:32:42,601 --> 00:32:45,534 [laughter and applause] 879 00:32:49,601 --> 00:32:51,634 ONE THING THAT'S COOL ABOUT DOING THOSE MUSIC FESTIVALS 880 00:32:51,667 --> 00:32:53,501 IS, YOU KNOW, YOU GET TO MEET MUSICIANS AND STUFF 881 00:32:53,534 --> 00:32:54,901 THAT, LIKE, YOU'RE A FAN OF, 882 00:32:54,934 --> 00:32:56,634 AND, YOU KNOW, THAT'S ALWAYS COOL FOR ME. 883 00:32:56,667 --> 00:32:59,334 LIKE, I MET M.I.A. ONCE, AND, UM, I WAS LIKE, 884 00:32:59,367 --> 00:33:00,834 "MAN, I GOT TO SAY SOMETHING COOL TO M.I.A. 885 00:33:00,868 --> 00:33:02,167 SHE'S SO COOL!" 886 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:03,467 I WAS LIKE, "THIS IS WHAT I'LL DO. 887 00:33:03,501 --> 00:33:04,467 "I'M SAY SOMETHING IN TAMIL, 888 00:33:04,501 --> 00:33:05,767 "THIS OBSCURE, SOUTHEAST ASIAN LANGUAGE 889 00:33:05,801 --> 00:33:07,033 THAT WE BOTH HAPPEN TO SPEAK." 890 00:33:07,067 --> 00:33:08,534 HERE'S THE THING. 891 00:33:08,567 --> 00:33:10,601 I DON'T SPEAK TAMIL THAT WELL. 892 00:33:10,634 --> 00:33:12,033 LIKE, I WOULD NEVER SAY SOMETHING LIKE THIS, 893 00:33:12,067 --> 00:33:13,868 BUT IF I WANTED TO SAY, "YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL BREASTS," 894 00:33:13,901 --> 00:33:15,200 I COULDN'T SAY THAT. 895 00:33:15,234 --> 00:33:17,200 WHAT I'D HAVE TO SAY IS-- [speaking Tamil] 896 00:33:17,234 --> 00:33:19,133 WHICH TRANSLATES TO, "FOR YOU, RIGHT HERE, 897 00:33:19,167 --> 00:33:20,434 IT'S AWESOME." 898 00:33:20,467 --> 00:33:22,501 WHICH IS A TERRIBLE LINE! 899 00:33:22,534 --> 00:33:25,467 [laughter and applause] 900 00:33:30,067 --> 00:33:33,133 ONE TIME, IN L.A., KANYE WEST CAME TO ONE OF MY SHOWS, 901 00:33:33,167 --> 00:33:34,467 AND I WAS SO PSYCHED. 902 00:33:34,501 --> 00:33:35,868 I'M SUCH A HUGE KANYE WEST FAN. 903 00:33:35,901 --> 00:33:39,200 AND EVERYTHING HE DID TO ME WAS SO FUNNY. 904 00:33:39,234 --> 00:33:43,067 LIKE, HE WAS IN THE BATHROOM FOR, LIKE, A REALLY LONG TIME. 905 00:33:43,100 --> 00:33:45,067 AND THEN HE CAME OUT, HE GOES, 906 00:33:45,100 --> 00:33:46,534 "YO, JUST SO YOU KNOW, I WAS ON 907 00:33:46,567 --> 00:33:47,868 "AN IMPORTANT PHONE CALL. 908 00:33:47,901 --> 00:33:49,167 I WASN'T TAKING A SHIT." 909 00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:54,133 [laughter] 910 00:33:54,167 --> 00:33:56,534 BUT, UM, WHEN HE WAS LEAVING, HE WAS LIKE, 911 00:33:56,567 --> 00:33:58,300 "YO, MAN, WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOMETIME. 912 00:33:58,334 --> 00:33:59,567 THAT'D BE COOL, RIGHT?" 913 00:33:59,601 --> 00:34:00,901 AND I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'D BE CRAZY. 914 00:34:00,934 --> 00:34:02,400 I'M SUCH A HUGE FAN. THAT'D BE AWESOME." 915 00:34:02,434 --> 00:34:04,167 SO THIS IS THE STORY OF THE FIRST TIME 916 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:06,734 I HUNG OUT WITH KANYE WEST. 917 00:34:06,767 --> 00:34:08,067 SO HE TEXTS ME, HE'S LIKE, 918 00:34:08,100 --> 00:34:09,801 "YO, WE'RE AT THIS CLUB. COME DOWN." 919 00:34:09,834 --> 00:34:11,634 SO I GRAB MY FRIEND JASON, WHO'S ANOTHER GUY 920 00:34:11,667 --> 00:34:13,267 THAT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE HE BELONG 921 00:34:13,300 --> 00:34:15,033 IN A HIP-HOP NIGHTCLUB. 922 00:34:15,067 --> 00:34:16,767 AND WE HEAD OVER THERE, RIGHT? 923 00:34:16,801 --> 00:34:17,968 AND WE GET THERE, WE GET IN THE CLUB, 924 00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:21,267 AND THEY'RE LIKE, "YO, WE'RE AT CAPACITY." 925 00:34:21,300 --> 00:34:23,534 I WAS LIKE, "WELL, KANYE WEST TOLD ME TO COME DOWN." 926 00:34:23,567 --> 00:34:26,167 AND HE WAS LIKE, "SOMEBODY'S GONNA HAVE 927 00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:26,968 TO COME AND GET YOU." 928 00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:29,634 [chuckles] 929 00:34:29,667 --> 00:34:31,601 AND SO I TEXTED KANYE. 930 00:34:31,634 --> 00:34:34,167 I WAS LIKE, "HEY, MAN, LIKE, THEY'RE AT CAPACITY." 931 00:34:34,200 --> 00:34:35,467 I SAID, "SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET ME." 932 00:34:35,501 --> 00:34:36,667 AND THEN BEFORE I COULD EVEN HIT "SEND," 933 00:34:36,701 --> 00:34:39,601 I GET A TEXT FROM HIM, "ON MY WAY!" 934 00:34:39,634 --> 00:34:41,300 AND HE COMES OUT. HE'S LIKE-- 935 00:34:41,334 --> 00:34:42,667 AND WE GO IN. 936 00:34:42,701 --> 00:34:44,100 IT WAS REALLY COOL OF HIM TO COME GET US. 937 00:34:44,133 --> 00:34:45,467 AND WE GO INSIDE, AND, LIKE, HE'S SITTING THERE 938 00:34:45,501 --> 00:34:47,701 AT A TABLE WITH, LIKE, JAY-Z AND ALL THESE MODELS 939 00:34:47,734 --> 00:34:49,834 AND STUFF AND, LIKE, WE JUST DID NOT BELONG THERE. 940 00:34:49,868 --> 00:34:51,400 LIKE, IF YOU HAD A PHOTO OF THAT TABLE, 941 00:34:51,434 --> 00:34:53,200 YOU'D BE LIKE, "WHO PHOTOSHOPPED THOSE TWO DUDES IN THERE? 942 00:34:53,234 --> 00:34:55,367 THAT WAS A REALLY GOOD JOB." 943 00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:57,734 [laughter and applause] AND-- 944 00:34:57,767 --> 00:35:01,000 YOU KNOW, JAY-Z'S THERE DRINKING VODKA HE MAKES. 945 00:35:01,033 --> 00:35:02,434 LIKE, HOW BALLER IS THAT? 946 00:35:02,467 --> 00:35:04,000 JAY-Z SIGNED THE TAB, MONEY WENT BACK 947 00:35:04,033 --> 00:35:05,567 INTO HIS OWN POCKET. 948 00:35:05,601 --> 00:35:07,167 HE WAS LIKE, "YOU'RE CRAZY FOR THIS ONE, JAY. 949 00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:09,100 HOV! PSHH!" 950 00:35:09,133 --> 00:35:12,801 [laughter and applause] 951 00:35:15,267 --> 00:35:18,400 AND SO KANYE EVENTUALLY GOES, "YO, MAN. 952 00:35:18,434 --> 00:35:19,267 "WE'RE HEADING BACK TO THE CRIB. 953 00:35:19,300 --> 00:35:20,767 YOU WANT TO COME DOWN?" 954 00:35:20,801 --> 00:35:21,634 I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'D BE AWESOME. 955 00:35:21,667 --> 00:35:22,667 THAT'D BE CRAZY TO SEE YOUR HOUSE." 956 00:35:22,701 --> 00:35:24,300 AND SO WE GO DOWN THERE, ME AND JASON, 957 00:35:24,334 --> 00:35:25,667 AND WE GET THERE PRETTY EARLY. 958 00:35:25,701 --> 00:35:27,334 AND THERE'S NO ONE REALLY THERE, 959 00:35:27,367 --> 00:35:29,534 AND I WALK IN AND I HEAR 808s AND HEARTBREAK PLAYING, 960 00:35:29,567 --> 00:35:31,934 WHICH IS HIS ALBUM. 961 00:35:31,968 --> 00:35:33,834 AND I WALK UP AND I SEE HIM SITTING ON THE COUCH. 962 00:35:33,868 --> 00:35:35,934 HE'S LIKE... 963 00:35:35,968 --> 00:35:39,634 [laughter] 964 00:35:39,667 --> 00:35:41,834 "SHH!" 965 00:35:41,868 --> 00:35:44,033 I WAS LIKE, "YO, MAN. 966 00:35:44,067 --> 00:35:46,801 "ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOUR OWN ALBUM IN YOUR OWN HOUSE, 967 00:35:46,834 --> 00:35:48,801 BOPPING YOUR OWN HEAD?" 968 00:35:48,834 --> 00:35:53,033 AND HE GOES, "YEAH. THESE BEATS ARE DOPE." 969 00:35:53,067 --> 00:35:55,067 AND I GO, "THAT'D BE LIKE IF I HAD A STAND-UP ALBUM, 970 00:35:55,100 --> 00:35:56,834 "YOU CAME OVER TO MY HOUSE AND I WAS LISTENING TO IT GOING, 971 00:35:56,868 --> 00:36:00,033 'HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! THESE JOKES ARE DOPE.'" 972 00:36:00,067 --> 00:36:03,434 [laughter] 973 00:36:03,467 --> 00:36:05,634 AND WE'RE SITTING THERE HANGING OUT AT HIS HOUSE, 974 00:36:05,667 --> 00:36:07,834 AND, LIKE, EVERYTHING THAT KANYE SAID TO ME 975 00:36:07,868 --> 00:36:09,267 MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD. 976 00:36:09,300 --> 00:36:10,234 LIKE, AT ONE POINT WE WERE, LIKE, SITTING THERE 977 00:36:10,267 --> 00:36:11,467 TALKING ABOUT MUSIC. 978 00:36:11,501 --> 00:36:12,801 LIKE, TALKING ABOUT TV ON THE RADIO 979 00:36:12,834 --> 00:36:14,267 OR SOMETHING, AND, LIKE, HE JUST, LIKE, CUT ME OFF. 980 00:36:14,300 --> 00:36:16,067 HE WAS LIKE, "YO, MAN. HOLD ON A SECOND." 981 00:36:16,100 --> 00:36:18,133 AND HE SAID THE GREATEST THING I WILL EVER HEAR IN MY LIFE. 982 00:36:18,167 --> 00:36:20,100 HE GOES, "HOLD ON A SECOND. 983 00:36:20,133 --> 00:36:21,634 "I'MA GO OVER THERE AND LOOK IN THE TELESCOPE 984 00:36:21,667 --> 00:36:22,801 WITH THIS GIRL WITH THE BIG TITTIES." 985 00:36:22,834 --> 00:36:25,634 [laughter] 986 00:36:25,667 --> 00:36:28,367 [chuckles] 987 00:36:30,868 --> 00:36:32,767 AND THEN LATER ON, YOU KNOW, 988 00:36:32,801 --> 00:36:34,534 HE WAS TALKING ABOUT COMING TO MY SHOW, 989 00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:36,167 AND HE WAS LIKE, "MAN, I HAD A GOOD TIME AT YOUR SHOW." 990 00:36:36,200 --> 00:36:37,601 AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, THANK YOU FOR COMING." 991 00:36:37,634 --> 00:36:39,467 YOU KNOW, AND HE'S LIKE, "YO, MAN. 992 00:36:39,501 --> 00:36:40,701 "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TONIGHT? 993 00:36:40,734 --> 00:36:42,601 YOU NEED TO DO SOME OF YOUR JOKES." 994 00:36:42,634 --> 00:36:43,801 AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MAN. 995 00:36:43,834 --> 00:36:45,200 "YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO TONIGHT? 996 00:36:45,234 --> 00:36:47,200 NOT DO THAT." 997 00:36:47,234 --> 00:36:48,667 BUT HE KEPT BRINGING IT UP. 998 00:36:48,701 --> 00:36:50,000 HE WAS LIKE, "COME ON, MAN. PLEASE? 999 00:36:50,033 --> 00:36:51,701 "IT'D BE REALLY COOL IF YOU DID SOME JOKES, MAN. 1000 00:36:51,734 --> 00:36:53,033 IT'D BE REALLY COOL." 1001 00:36:53,067 --> 00:36:54,334 AND EVENTUALLY I HAD A COUPLE MORE DRINKS. 1002 00:36:54,367 --> 00:36:56,133 I WAS LIKE, "FUCK IT! I'LL DO SOME JOKES!" 1003 00:36:56,167 --> 00:36:57,767 AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW, LIKE, 1004 00:36:57,801 --> 00:36:59,634 MY FRIEND JASON'S IN THE LIVING ROOM LIKE, 1005 00:36:59,667 --> 00:37:01,968 "THIS NEXT COMEDIAN COMING TO THE STAGE..." 1006 00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:04,167 AND, LIKE, I COME UP TO THE LIVING ROOM, 1007 00:37:04,200 --> 00:37:05,968 AND, LIKE, HE'S GOT, LIKE, 30 PEOPLE ARRANGED 1008 00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:07,667 IN HIS LIVING ROOM AND I'M, LIKE, TELLING MY JOKES 1009 00:37:07,701 --> 00:37:10,467 AND THIS IS A NIGHTMARE SITUATION FOR A COMEDIAN. 1010 00:37:10,501 --> 00:37:12,067 BUT EVERYONE WAS VERY QUIET AND NICE. 1011 00:37:12,100 --> 00:37:13,767 THEY LISTENED, THEY LAUGHED, AND IT WAS GREAT. 1012 00:37:13,801 --> 00:37:16,100 BUT MY FAVORITE PART WAS, EVERY NOW AND THEN, 1013 00:37:16,133 --> 00:37:17,267 SOMEONE WOULD BE IN THE KITCHEN, LIKE, 1014 00:37:17,300 --> 00:37:18,300 MAKING A DRINK OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, 1015 00:37:18,334 --> 00:37:19,767 AND THEY'D MAKE A LITTLE NOISE, 1016 00:37:19,801 --> 00:37:20,834 AND THEN KANYE WOULD JUMP UP AND BE LIKE, 1017 00:37:20,868 --> 00:37:22,167 "YO, SHUT THE FUCK UP! 1018 00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:25,167 HOMIE'S OVER HERE TRYING TO TELL SOME JOKES!" 1019 00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:28,133 WHICH IS THE BEST THING ANYONE'S EVER YELLED AT A COMEDY SHOW. 1020 00:37:28,167 --> 00:37:31,601 [laughter] 1021 00:37:31,634 --> 00:37:34,501 MY COUSIN DARWISH, WHO IS HARRIS' OLDER BROTHER, 1022 00:37:34,534 --> 00:37:37,000 ACTUALLY GOT INTO A LITTLE BIT OF A TIFF WITH KANYE. 1023 00:37:37,033 --> 00:37:39,501 AND, YOU KNOW, DARWISH IS, LIKE, 18 YEARS OLD, 1024 00:37:39,534 --> 00:37:41,467 SO HE JUST STARTED LISTENING TO MUSIC. 1025 00:37:41,501 --> 00:37:44,367 AND, UM, HE WOULD ALWAYS I.M. ME 1026 00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:46,467 ABOUT NEW BANDS HE'D HEARD OF OR WHATEVER. 1027 00:37:46,501 --> 00:37:48,767 AND ONE TIME HE'S LIKE, "AZIZ, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD 1028 00:37:48,801 --> 00:37:50,300 "OF KANYE WEST? 1029 00:37:50,334 --> 00:37:53,000 THAT SONG AMAZING, IT'S AMAZING!" 1030 00:37:53,033 --> 00:37:54,000 AND HE WAS LIKE, "ARE THERE ANY OTHER GOOD RAPPERS 1031 00:37:54,033 --> 00:37:55,667 I SHOULD LISTEN TO?" 1032 00:37:55,701 --> 00:37:57,267 I WAS LIKE, "OH, YOU EVER LISTEN TO ANY WU-TANG CLAN?" 1033 00:37:57,300 --> 00:37:58,601 HE'S LIKE, "NO, BUT I'VE HEARD OF HIM. 1034 00:37:58,634 --> 00:38:00,534 HE RAPS A LOT ABOUT KARATE, RIGHT?" 1035 00:38:00,567 --> 00:38:02,467 AND I WAS LIKE, "NOT EXACTLY." 1036 00:38:02,501 --> 00:38:04,801 AND... 1037 00:38:04,834 --> 00:38:07,834 SO I COPIED THAT CONVERSATION AND EMAILED IT TO KANYE. 1038 00:38:07,868 --> 00:38:10,234 AND HE RESPONDED BACK RIGHT AWAY. 1039 00:38:10,267 --> 00:38:12,567 HE GOES, "WOW! NEW FANS! 1040 00:38:12,601 --> 00:38:16,434 YAY! MORE PEOPLE THAT DON'T HATE ME!" 1041 00:38:16,467 --> 00:38:18,167 THAT'S HOW HIS EMAILS SOUND TO ME. 1042 00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:21,567 AND-- [laughter] 1043 00:38:21,601 --> 00:38:23,267 AND THEN A LITTLE BIT LATER, I GET ANOTHER I-M FROM DARWISH. 1044 00:38:23,300 --> 00:38:25,734 HE'S LIKE, "AZIZ! 1045 00:38:25,767 --> 00:38:28,634 "THAT KANYE SONG FLASHING LIGHTS, 1046 00:38:28,667 --> 00:38:30,067 "THAT'S A RIP-OFF OF A NE-YO TRACK. 1047 00:38:30,100 --> 00:38:32,734 KANYE STOLE THAT BEAT!" 1048 00:38:32,767 --> 00:38:34,133 AND I WAS LIKE, "REALLY?" 1049 00:38:34,167 --> 00:38:35,667 HE'S LIKE, "YEAH. 1050 00:38:35,701 --> 00:38:38,801 WHAT'S KANYE'S EMAIL?" 1051 00:38:38,834 --> 00:38:41,033 AND I WAS LIKE, "YOU'RE REALLY GONNA EMAIL HIM?" 1052 00:38:41,067 --> 00:38:44,968 AND HE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW. IT'S PRETTY MESSED UP." 1053 00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:46,868 AND SO I WAS LIKE, "I'LL EMAIL HIM FOR YOU." 1054 00:38:46,901 --> 00:38:48,367 AND SO I SEND THAT CONVERSATION TO HIM. 1055 00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:49,934 I WAS LIKE, "OH, SHIT. 1056 00:38:49,968 --> 00:38:52,267 DARWISH IS ACCUSING YOU OF JACKING BEATS, HOMIE!" 1057 00:38:52,300 --> 00:38:53,767 AND THEN RESPONDS BACK RIGHT AWAY. 1058 00:38:53,801 --> 00:38:55,367 HE GOES, "NO! 1059 00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:56,868 THAT SONG CAME OUT AFTERWARDS!" 1060 00:38:56,901 --> 00:38:59,100 [laughter] 1061 00:38:59,133 --> 00:39:00,400 AND I SHOWED THAT TO DARWISH, 1062 00:39:00,434 --> 00:39:02,100 AND, YOU KNOW, DARWISH APOLOGIZED 1063 00:39:02,133 --> 00:39:03,868 AND, YOU KNOW, I JUST PASTED ALL THOSE CONVERSATIONS 1064 00:39:03,901 --> 00:39:05,434 ON MY WEB SITE. 1065 00:39:05,467 --> 00:39:07,434 AND THEN THE NEXT DAY, I WENT ON KANYE'S BLOG 1066 00:39:07,467 --> 00:39:09,067 AND I SAW THIS. 1067 00:39:09,100 --> 00:39:12,267 THAT'S MY COUSIN DARWISH! 1068 00:39:12,300 --> 00:39:15,067 KANYE WEST VERSUS DARWISH! 1069 00:39:15,100 --> 00:39:18,000 SO I CALLED UP DARWISH, 1070 00:39:18,033 --> 00:39:20,133 AND I'M LIKE, "HEY, DARWISH. 1071 00:39:20,167 --> 00:39:22,067 HAVE YOU BEEN ON KANYE'S WEB SITE BEFORE?" 1072 00:39:22,100 --> 00:39:23,467 HE'S LIKE, "NO. HE'S GOT A WEB SITE?" 1073 00:39:23,501 --> 00:39:25,267 KEEP IN MIND, DARWISH IS NOW, LIKE, 1074 00:39:25,300 --> 00:39:27,501 THE HUGEST KANYE WEST FAN RIGHT NOW. 1075 00:39:27,534 --> 00:39:29,434 AND I WAS LIKE, "HAVE YOU BEEN ON HIS WEB SITE?" 1076 00:39:29,467 --> 00:39:30,634 HE WAS LIKE, "NO." 1077 00:39:30,667 --> 00:39:32,100 I WAS LIKE, "GO ON THERE RIGHT NOW." 1078 00:39:32,133 --> 00:39:32,934 HE GOES ON THERE. 1079 00:39:32,968 --> 00:39:34,567 HE GOES, "WHAT? 1080 00:39:34,601 --> 00:39:36,234 I GOTTA GO CHANGE MY FACEBOOK STATUS!" 1081 00:39:36,267 --> 00:39:37,234 CLICK. 1082 00:39:37,267 --> 00:39:42,901 [laughter and applause] 1083 00:39:42,934 --> 00:39:44,567 YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE MUSICIAN THAT I'VE EVER MET 1084 00:39:44,601 --> 00:39:47,501 WAS, UH, R. KELLY, I THINK. 1085 00:39:47,534 --> 00:39:50,334 AND, UM, IN CASE YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR, 1086 00:39:50,367 --> 00:39:54,834 R. KELLY IS A BRILLIANT R&B SINGER/CRAZY PERSON. 1087 00:39:54,868 --> 00:39:56,968 [laughter] 1088 00:39:57,000 --> 00:40:00,300 LIKE, THEY DID AN INTERVIEW WITH HIM ON B.E.T., RIGHT? 1089 00:40:00,334 --> 00:40:02,267 AND THE GUY DOING THE INTERVIEW WAS PROBABLY A GUY LIKE ME. 1090 00:40:02,300 --> 00:40:04,367 YOU KNOW, HUGE FAN OF R. KELLY AND HIS MUSIC, 1091 00:40:04,400 --> 00:40:06,167 AND HOPES HE REALLY IS INNOCENT OF THOSE TERRIBLE THINGS 1092 00:40:06,200 --> 00:40:07,634 HE'S ACCUSED OF. 1093 00:40:07,667 --> 00:40:08,968 SO FIRST QUESTION, THE GUY GOES, 1094 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:12,000 "NOW, ROBERT, ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO TEENAGE GIRLS?" 1095 00:40:12,033 --> 00:40:13,834 AND R. KELLY-- 1096 00:40:13,868 --> 00:40:15,434 YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE R. KELLY, THAT'S EASY, RIGHT? 1097 00:40:15,467 --> 00:40:17,701 ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS BE LIKE, "NO, NOT AT ALL. NO!" 1098 00:40:17,734 --> 00:40:19,601 THAT'S ALL YOU GOTTA DO, RIGHT? THAT'S ALL YOU GOTTA DO. 1099 00:40:19,634 --> 00:40:22,734 THAT IS NOT WHAT R. KELLY DOES. 1100 00:40:22,767 --> 00:40:26,200 R. KELLY GOES, "DEFINE 'TEENAGE.' " 1101 00:40:26,234 --> 00:40:28,067 LITERALLY THE WORST ANSWER! 1102 00:40:28,100 --> 00:40:29,567 THE ONLY WORSE ANSWER WOULD HAVE BEEN HE WENT, 1103 00:40:29,601 --> 00:40:31,033 "HA, YEAH." 1104 00:40:31,067 --> 00:40:33,734 [laughter] 1105 00:40:36,033 --> 00:40:38,667 SO THAT'S THE PERSON WE'RE DEALING WITH. 1106 00:40:38,701 --> 00:40:41,234 SO I GO TO HIS CONCERT WITH MY FRIEND JASON. 1107 00:40:41,267 --> 00:40:42,734 WE GET THERE. SHOW'S SOLD OUT. 1108 00:40:42,767 --> 00:40:44,534 PEOPLE ARE PSYCHED FOR R. KELLY. 1109 00:40:44,567 --> 00:40:45,901 JASON LOOKS OVER AT ME AND GOES, 1110 00:40:45,934 --> 00:40:48,000 "HEY, AZIZ. 1111 00:40:48,033 --> 00:40:49,234 "ME AND YOU ARE THE ONLY TWO WHITE PEOPLE 1112 00:40:49,267 --> 00:40:51,467 AT THIS CONCERT." 1113 00:40:51,501 --> 00:40:54,100 AND I WAS LIKE, "FIRST OF ALL, JASON, I'M NOT WHITE. 1114 00:40:54,133 --> 00:40:57,267 "SECOND OF ALL, YOU'RE THE ONLY WHITE GUY AT THIS CONCERT. 1115 00:40:57,300 --> 00:40:59,334 WE MIGHT KILL YOU, JASON!" 1116 00:40:59,367 --> 00:41:01,834 [laughter] 1117 00:41:01,868 --> 00:41:05,934 SO THE CONCERT STARTS, AND IT'S INCREDIBLE. 1118 00:41:05,968 --> 00:41:08,300 R. KELLY IS THE BEST SHOWMAN. 1119 00:41:08,334 --> 00:41:09,868 LIKE, HE HAS THIS PART IN THE SHOW 1120 00:41:09,901 --> 00:41:12,133 WHERE HE HAS SEX WITH AN INVISIBLE WOMAN. 1121 00:41:12,167 --> 00:41:13,634 YOU CAN SEE THE SOUND EFFECTS. 1122 00:41:13,667 --> 00:41:14,834 SO HE'S, LIKE, TAKING OFF HER BLOUSE. 1123 00:41:14,868 --> 00:41:16,267 [imitating zippers] 1124 00:41:16,300 --> 00:41:18,200 [imitating slapping] 1125 00:41:18,234 --> 00:41:20,167 [imitating explosion] 1126 00:41:20,200 --> 00:41:22,267 AND THEN WHEN HE DOES THE... [imitating explosion] 1127 00:41:22,300 --> 00:41:24,167 A SPOTLIGHT SHOOTS OUT OF HIS COCK, 1128 00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:25,534 AND THEN GOES OVER THE WHOLE AUDIENCE 1129 00:41:25,567 --> 00:41:27,701 LIKE HE'S COMING ON THE WHOLE CROWD. 1130 00:41:27,734 --> 00:41:29,334 AND THEN A SPOTLIGHT HITS A SCREEN, 1131 00:41:29,367 --> 00:41:31,901 AND THE SCREEN EXPLODES! 1132 00:41:31,934 --> 00:41:33,367 AND I WAS LIKE, "WHOA! 1133 00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:34,834 "YOU ARE NOT GONNA SEE SHIT LIKE THAT 1134 00:41:34,868 --> 00:41:36,868 AT A MODEST MOUSE CONCERT!" 1135 00:41:36,901 --> 00:41:40,467 WOW! 1136 00:41:40,501 --> 00:41:42,901 AND THEN, LIKE, THERE'S ALL THIS OTHER WEIRD STUFF. 1137 00:41:42,934 --> 00:41:44,968 LIKE, AT ONE POINT, HE LEAVES THE STAGE, RIGHT? 1138 00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:47,033 AND THEY CUT TO A VIDEO OF HIM PLAYING BASKETBALL 1139 00:41:47,067 --> 00:41:48,534 WITH HIS FRIENDS. 1140 00:41:48,567 --> 00:41:49,534 LASTS ABOUT FOUR MINUTES. 1141 00:41:49,567 --> 00:41:51,133 COMES BACK ON STAGE. 1142 00:41:51,167 --> 00:41:52,868 GOES INTO THE NEXT SONG. 1143 00:41:52,901 --> 00:41:54,501 DOESN'T ADDRESS WHY HE SHOWED THAT VIDEO! 1144 00:41:54,534 --> 00:41:56,300 YOU CAN'T DO SHIT LIKE THAT! 1145 00:41:56,334 --> 00:41:58,167 I CAN'T LEAVE THE STAGE, SHOW YOU SOME VIDEO OF ME 1146 00:41:58,200 --> 00:41:59,167 PLAYING FOOSBALL WITH MY BUDDIES, 1147 00:41:59,200 --> 00:42:00,200 AND THEN COME BACK AND BE LIKE, 1148 00:42:00,234 --> 00:42:01,334 "MAN, iPHONES ARE CRAZY." 1149 00:42:01,367 --> 00:42:02,434 YOU'D BE LIKE, "YO, MAN, WHAT WAS UP 1150 00:42:02,467 --> 00:42:03,434 "WITH THAT VIDEO YOU SHOWED? 1151 00:42:03,467 --> 00:42:04,801 "YOU GOT TO EXPLAIN THAT SHIT! 1152 00:42:04,834 --> 00:42:06,200 THAT WAS WEIRD!" 1153 00:42:06,234 --> 00:42:08,901 [laughter and applause] 1154 00:42:10,367 --> 00:42:12,200 THEN, YOU KNOW, WE GO BACKSTAGE 1155 00:42:12,234 --> 00:42:12,968 AND MEET HIM AT THE END OF THE SHOW. 1156 00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:14,434 HE'S VERY NICE. 1157 00:42:14,467 --> 00:42:15,501 HE'S LIKE, "HEY, YOU GUYS SHOULD COME 1158 00:42:15,534 --> 00:42:16,334 TO THIS AFTERPARTY WE'RE DOING." 1159 00:42:16,367 --> 00:42:18,000 AND I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, SURE." 1160 00:42:18,033 --> 00:42:19,334 AND SO WE GO TO THIS NIGHTCLUB 1161 00:42:19,367 --> 00:42:21,000 AND ONCE AGAIN, JASON AND I ARE 1162 00:42:21,033 --> 00:42:22,801 THE ONLY TWO WHITE PEOPLE THERE. 1163 00:42:22,834 --> 00:42:26,033 AND WHEN PEOPLE KNOW R. KELLY'S IN A NIGHTCLUB, 1164 00:42:26,067 --> 00:42:28,167 THEY LOSE THEIR SHIT. 1165 00:42:28,200 --> 00:42:31,300 AND THEN HE TOOK THE STAGE AND PEOPLE WENT NUTS. 1166 00:42:31,334 --> 00:42:33,334 AND HE STARTED DOING THAT SONG THAT'S LIKE, 1167 00:42:33,367 --> 00:42:34,801 "I'M IN LOVE WITH A STRIPPER." 1168 00:42:34,834 --> 00:42:36,701 AND HE'S DOING THE SONG AND AT ONE POINT, 1169 00:42:36,734 --> 00:42:38,334 THIS WOMAN JUST JUMPS ONSTAGE 1170 00:42:38,367 --> 00:42:39,701 AND STARTS GIVING HIM A LAP DANCE. 1171 00:42:39,734 --> 00:42:42,133 SHE FINISHES THE LAP DANCE AND R. KELLY GOES, 1172 00:42:42,167 --> 00:42:43,334 "* WHO CAN TOP THAT SHIT 1173 00:42:43,367 --> 00:42:44,467 "* WHO CAN TOP THAT SHIT 1174 00:42:44,501 --> 00:42:45,834 "* WHO CAN TOP THAT SHIT 1175 00:42:45,868 --> 00:42:47,400 * WHO CAN TOP THAT SHIT " 1176 00:42:47,434 --> 00:42:48,901 SECOND WOMAN COMES ONSTAGE, GIVES HIM 1177 00:42:48,934 --> 00:42:50,767 AN EVEN CRAZIER LAP DANCE. 1178 00:42:50,801 --> 00:42:52,734 AND R. KELLY GOES, 1179 00:42:52,767 --> 00:42:53,634 "* WHO CAN TOP THAT SHIT 1180 00:42:53,667 --> 00:42:54,834 "* WHO CAN TOP THAT SHIT 1181 00:42:54,868 --> 00:42:56,534 * WHO CAN TOP THAT SHIT " 1182 00:42:56,567 --> 00:42:58,834 THIRD WOMAN COMES ONSTAGE WITH HUMONGOUS BREASTS, 1183 00:42:58,868 --> 00:43:01,300 WHIPS 'EM OUT, SLAPS THE FIRST THREE ROWS, 1184 00:43:01,334 --> 00:43:02,634 GRABS R. KELLY'S HEAD AND JUST GOES, 1185 00:43:02,667 --> 00:43:05,834 "ARRGH!" 1186 00:43:05,868 --> 00:43:08,367 AND THEN R. KELLY POPS OUT HIS HEAD AND GOES, 1187 00:43:08,400 --> 00:43:09,801 "* WHOA 1188 00:43:09,834 --> 00:43:11,501 "* AIN'T NOBODY GONNA TOP THAT SHIT * 1189 00:43:11,534 --> 00:43:12,934 * I'M OUT " 1190 00:43:12,968 --> 00:43:14,434 AND HE LEAVES. 1191 00:43:14,467 --> 00:43:18,934 AND I WAS LIKE, "WHOA! WHAT A PERFORMANCE!" 1192 00:43:18,968 --> 00:43:21,601 BUT... 1193 00:43:21,634 --> 00:43:24,000 MY FAVORITE-- MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE PART 1194 00:43:24,033 --> 00:43:25,601 OF THE R. KELLY SHOW WAS, LIKE, 1195 00:43:25,634 --> 00:43:27,534 20 MINUTES IN, HE STOPS EVERYTHING, 1196 00:43:27,567 --> 00:43:29,634 AND HE STARTS TALKING TO THE CROWD. 1197 00:43:29,667 --> 00:43:31,467 AND WHAT'S GREAT ABOUT THAT IS THAT R. KELLY 1198 00:43:31,501 --> 00:43:33,167 DOES NOT TALK LIKE YOU AND I TALK. 1199 00:43:33,200 --> 00:43:35,367 HE TALKS LIKE R. KELLY TALKS. 1200 00:43:35,400 --> 00:43:38,834 SO HE GOES LIKE THIS. 1201 00:43:38,868 --> 00:43:40,968 "* LADIES AND GENTLEMEN 1202 00:43:41,000 --> 00:43:43,300 "* I DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF THIS BUILDING * 1203 00:43:43,334 --> 00:43:46,334 "* BUT THE PEOPLE THAT RUN THIS BUILDING * 1204 00:43:46,367 --> 00:43:48,968 "* THEY SAID 'ROBERT' 1205 00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:51,334 "* THEY SAID 'ROBERT' 1206 00:43:51,367 --> 00:43:54,234 "* THEY SAID 'ROBERT' 1207 00:43:54,267 --> 00:43:56,000 "* 'YOU'VE BEEN ONLY DOING YOUR SHOW FOR 20 MINUTES * 1208 00:43:56,033 --> 00:44:00,968 "* 'AND IT'S ALREADY GETTING TOO FRE-E-E-E-E-E-E-EAKY TONIGHT' * 1209 00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:02,767 [laughter] 1210 00:44:02,801 --> 00:44:05,267 "* THEY SAID 'ROBERT' 1211 00:44:05,300 --> 00:44:09,634 "* THEY SAID 'MOTHERFUCKING ROBERT' * 1212 00:44:09,667 --> 00:44:12,234 "* 'THERE WILL BE NO TOUCHING OF YOURSELF * 1213 00:44:12,267 --> 00:44:15,634 "* 'IN THIS AREA TONIGHT' 1214 00:44:15,667 --> 00:44:17,701 "* DO YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I TOLD 'EM * 1215 00:44:17,734 --> 00:44:20,701 "* I SAID L.A. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I TOLD 'EM * 1216 00:44:20,734 --> 00:44:22,934 [cheers and applause] 1217 00:44:22,968 --> 00:44:26,033 "* I SAID L.A. DO YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I SAID * 1218 00:44:26,067 --> 00:44:28,133 "* TO THESE PEOPLE WHEN THEY SAID THAT TO ME * 1219 00:44:28,167 --> 00:44:31,167 "* DO YOU WANT KNOW WHAT I 1220 00:44:31,200 --> 00:44:33,767 "* TO-O-O-O-O-O-OLD 'EM 1221 00:44:33,801 --> 00:44:35,968 [cheers and applause] 1222 00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:38,934 "* I SAID I'M A GROWN 1223 00:44:38,968 --> 00:44:41,100 "* ASS 1224 00:44:41,133 --> 00:44:45,367 "* MAN 1225 00:44:45,400 --> 00:44:50,334 "* AND I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TONIGHT * 1226 00:44:50,367 --> 00:44:52,300 * L.A. CAN I DO MY SHOW " 1227 00:44:52,334 --> 00:44:53,501 AND EVERYONE'S LIKE, "FUCK, YEAH! 1228 00:44:53,534 --> 00:44:55,234 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS!" 1229 00:44:55,267 --> 00:44:57,067 AND THAT WAS THE GREATEST CONCERT I'VE EVER SEEN. 1230 00:44:57,100 --> 00:44:58,167 THANK YOU, GUYS, SO MUCH! 1231 00:44:58,200 --> 00:45:02,868 [cheers and applause] 1232 00:45:10,667 --> 00:45:12,267 THANK YOU, GUYS. THANK YOU, GUYS. 1233 00:45:12,300 --> 00:45:16,200 [cheers and applause continue] 1234 00:45:19,033 --> 00:45:21,868 THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 1235 00:45:21,901 --> 00:45:26,367 UM... [exhales] 1236 00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:28,100 THIS NEXT BIT I WANTED TO DO, UH, 1237 00:45:28,133 --> 00:45:29,667 IT'S SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT. 1238 00:45:29,701 --> 00:45:32,601 UM, I PLAYED A CHARACTER IN THIS MOVIE FUNNY PEOPLE, 1239 00:45:32,634 --> 00:45:36,968 UH, NAMED RANDY, WHO IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN. 1240 00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:39,300 AND WHEN I DID THE MOVIE, I WROTE, LIKE, SOME JOKES 1241 00:45:39,334 --> 00:45:41,701 FOR RANDY AND I ENJOY DOING THEM AND SO I THOUGHT 1242 00:45:41,734 --> 00:45:45,434 IT'D BE FUN TO DO A LITTLE BIT OF RANDY IN THIS SPECIAL. 1243 00:45:45,467 --> 00:45:47,467 SO, UH, WE'RE GONNA DO A LITTLE BIT 1244 00:45:47,501 --> 00:45:48,868 WHERE IT'S BASICALLY LIKE, 1245 00:45:48,901 --> 00:45:50,334 "WHAT WOULD RANDY DO IF HE HAD A SPECIAL?" 1246 00:45:50,367 --> 00:45:51,701 SO GIVE ME A SECOND. 1247 00:45:51,734 --> 00:45:53,200 I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 1248 00:45:53,234 --> 00:45:58,167 [cheers and applause] 1249 00:46:00,267 --> 00:46:04,901 [air raid sirens wail] 1250 00:46:04,934 --> 00:46:06,734 - Y'ALL ARE ABOUT TO BE AMAZED IN WAYS 1251 00:46:06,767 --> 00:46:08,901 YOU'VE NEVER BEEN AMAZED BEFORE! 1252 00:46:08,934 --> 00:46:10,834 IF YOU GOT A SECOND SET OF SKIN, 1253 00:46:10,868 --> 00:46:12,634 Y'ALL BETTER BREAK IT OUT, 'CAUSE WE FIXING 1254 00:46:12,667 --> 00:46:14,567 TO BURN IT OFF, Y'ALL! 1255 00:46:14,601 --> 00:46:16,901 Y'ALL AIN'T SEEN SHIT LIKE THIS SINCE YOU TURNED AROUND, 1256 00:46:16,934 --> 00:46:18,634 SAW YOUR MAMA'S VAGINA, 1257 00:46:18,667 --> 00:46:20,234 AND WATCHED YOURSELF GETTING BORN! 1258 00:46:20,267 --> 00:46:22,567 LET'S GET IT STARTED! 1259 00:46:22,601 --> 00:46:24,801 [rap music plays] 1260 00:46:24,834 --> 00:46:26,501 YEAH! 1261 00:46:26,534 --> 00:46:28,501 PREPARE TO BE AMAZED! 1262 00:46:28,534 --> 00:46:30,133 IT'S COMING DOWN! 1263 00:46:30,167 --> 00:46:31,501 PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER! 1264 00:46:31,534 --> 00:46:32,934 MAKE NOISE! 1265 00:46:32,968 --> 00:46:35,200 SMACK A BITCH IN THE FACE IF YOU CAN, 1266 00:46:35,234 --> 00:46:38,601 'CAUSE HERE COMES MY MAN RANDY! 1267 00:46:38,634 --> 00:46:40,634 [cheers and applause] 1268 00:46:40,667 --> 00:46:42,133 YEAH! 1269 00:46:42,167 --> 00:46:43,834 YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS THE BEST! 1270 00:46:43,868 --> 00:46:45,934 HE'S PUTTING MONEY ON Y'ALL FOOLS! 1271 00:46:45,968 --> 00:46:48,000 I HOPE YOU GOT BANK ACCOUNTS, 1272 00:46:48,033 --> 00:46:50,000 'CAUSE HE'S SPREADING OUT LARGE AMOUNTS. 1273 00:46:50,033 --> 00:46:53,167 THEY CALL HIM RANDY! 1274 00:46:53,200 --> 00:46:54,767 STRAIGHT RANDY, Y'ALL! 1275 00:46:54,801 --> 00:46:59,601 * 1276 00:46:59,634 --> 00:47:01,167 - WHAT'S UP? 1277 00:47:01,200 --> 00:47:04,300 [cheers and applause] 1278 00:47:04,334 --> 00:47:06,234 MY NAME IS RA-A-A-A-A-A-A-ANDY 1279 00:47:06,267 --> 00:47:09,100 WITH EIGHT "As"! 1280 00:47:09,133 --> 00:47:11,067 IF Y'ALL ARE READY TO LAUGH YOUR DICKS OFF, 1281 00:47:11,100 --> 00:47:11,968 LET ME HEAR YOU SAY, "YEAH." 1282 00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:13,801 all: YEAH. 1283 00:47:13,834 --> 00:47:16,133 - I SAID, "IF Y'ALL ARE READY TO LAUGH YOUR DICKS OFF, 1284 00:47:16,167 --> 00:47:17,300 LET ME HEAR YOU SAY, 'YEAH.'" 1285 00:47:17,334 --> 00:47:19,334 all: YEAH! 1286 00:47:19,367 --> 00:47:21,133 - ALL RIGHT, THEN IT'S RANDY TIME. 1287 00:47:21,167 --> 00:47:22,434 LET'S DO THIS SHIT. 1288 00:47:22,467 --> 00:47:23,968 FIRST JOKE. 1289 00:47:24,000 --> 00:47:26,400 [laughter] 1290 00:47:26,434 --> 00:47:28,634 OH, SHIT. OH, SHIT. OH, SHIT. OH, SHIT. 1291 00:47:28,667 --> 00:47:30,501 - WHAT'S UP, RANDY? 1292 00:47:30,534 --> 00:47:31,567 - IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER ONE OF RANDY'S 1293 00:47:31,601 --> 00:47:35,634 CRAZY FUCK STORIES, A.K.A. A FUCK TALE. 1294 00:47:35,667 --> 00:47:37,367 IF Y'ALL WANT TO HEAR A FUCK TALE, 1295 00:47:37,400 --> 00:47:38,367 LET ME HEAR YOU GO, "FUCK TALES. 1296 00:47:38,400 --> 00:47:39,467 * OH-OOH-OOH " 1297 00:47:39,501 --> 00:47:41,534 [crowd replies] 1298 00:47:41,567 --> 00:47:44,200 SINCE YOU ASKED SO NICELY, I'LL TELL YOU ONE. 1299 00:47:44,234 --> 00:47:46,534 [laughter] 1300 00:47:46,567 --> 00:47:48,434 I WAS HOOKING UP WITH THIS GIRL RECENTLY... 1301 00:47:48,467 --> 00:47:52,000 * IN A FUCKIN' HOT TUB 1302 00:47:52,033 --> 00:47:53,334 AND WE'RE SITTING THERE DOING OUR THING 1303 00:47:53,367 --> 00:47:55,334 AND IT'S GOING GREAT. 1304 00:47:55,367 --> 00:47:57,267 AND EVENTUALLY, SHE'S LIKE, "RANDY? 1305 00:47:57,300 --> 00:48:00,901 "RANDY? RANDY? 1306 00:48:00,934 --> 00:48:02,868 WILL YOU GO DOWN ON ME?" 1307 00:48:02,901 --> 00:48:05,200 AND I WAS LIKE, "YES, I CAN DEFINITELY DO THAT." 1308 00:48:05,234 --> 00:48:06,567 BUT HERE'S THE THING, Y'ALL. 1309 00:48:06,601 --> 00:48:08,400 WE'RE IN A HOT TUB. 1310 00:48:08,434 --> 00:48:12,801 SO I HAD TO DO THAT SHIT UNDERWATER! 1311 00:48:12,834 --> 00:48:14,400 [laughter and applause] 1312 00:48:14,434 --> 00:48:15,901 SO I HOLD MY BREATH AND I GO DOWN THERE. 1313 00:48:15,934 --> 00:48:17,267 I'M JUST SWIMMING AROUND LOOKING FOR THE PUSSY, 1314 00:48:17,300 --> 00:48:18,501 LOOKING FOR THE PUSSY, LOOKING FOR THE PUSSY, 1315 00:48:18,534 --> 00:48:19,567 LOOKING FOR THE PUSSY, LOOKING FOR THE PUSSY, 1316 00:48:19,601 --> 00:48:20,901 LOOKING FOR THE PUSSY. 1317 00:48:20,934 --> 00:48:22,167 BAM! I FIND IT! I START DOING MY THING. 1318 00:48:22,200 --> 00:48:23,434 IT'S GOING GREAT, 1319 00:48:23,467 --> 00:48:25,167 BUT EVENTUALLY I'M LIKE, "DAMN! 1320 00:48:25,200 --> 00:48:26,634 "I CAN'T HOLD MY BREATH THAT MUCH LONGER. 1321 00:48:26,667 --> 00:48:28,100 I GOT TO COME UP FOR AIR." 1322 00:48:28,133 --> 00:48:30,300 BUT THIS GIRL HOLDS MY HEAD DOWN UNDER THE WATER. 1323 00:48:30,334 --> 00:48:31,901 THAT AIN'T COOL, LADIES. 1324 00:48:31,934 --> 00:48:33,400 THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 1325 00:48:33,434 --> 00:48:37,000 THIS GUY DEFINITELY KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 1326 00:48:37,033 --> 00:48:39,968 BUT...I CAME UP FOR AIR. 1327 00:48:40,033 --> 00:48:41,701 AND THINGS ARE FINE. 1328 00:48:41,734 --> 00:48:44,334 BUT I KIND OF WISH I WOULD HAVE DROWNED, 1329 00:48:44,367 --> 00:48:47,701 'CAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE MOST BALLER DEATH OF ALL TIME. 1330 00:48:47,734 --> 00:48:49,968 THEY'D BE LIKE, "HEY, RANDY'S PARENTS, 1331 00:48:50,000 --> 00:48:51,834 "THERE'S BEEN A TERRIBLE CUNNILINIGUS ACCIDENT. 1332 00:48:51,868 --> 00:48:54,767 "YEAH, RANDY WAS EATING PUSSY UNDERWATER. 1333 00:48:54,801 --> 00:48:58,467 I KNOW IT'S AWESOME, BUT HE'S DEAD." 1334 00:48:58,501 --> 00:48:59,868 I'D HAVE THIS AWESOME HEADSTONE. 1335 00:48:59,901 --> 00:49:01,234 IT'D BE LIKE, "HERE LIES RANDY. 1336 00:49:01,267 --> 00:49:02,767 HE DIED WHILE EATING PUSSY." 1337 00:49:02,801 --> 00:49:04,067 AND THEN IT'LL HAVE MY HANDPRINT RIGHT THERE 1338 00:49:04,100 --> 00:49:05,767 AND YOU WALK BY, THE HANDPRINT WILL GIVE YOU A HIGH-FIVE. 1339 00:49:05,801 --> 00:49:09,634 BA-PAM! BA-PAM! BA-PAM! BA-PAM! 1340 00:49:09,667 --> 00:49:13,367 [laughter and applause] 1341 00:49:14,968 --> 00:49:18,067 FELLAS, YOU EVER BEEN IN THIS SITUATION? 1342 00:49:18,100 --> 00:49:20,267 YOU GOT A GIRL BACK AT YOUR PLACE AND SHE'S DOWN. 1343 00:49:20,300 --> 00:49:21,934 YOU'RE ALL EXCITED. 1344 00:49:21,968 --> 00:49:22,968 YOU'RE LIKE, "* I'M GONNA GET MY FUCK ON 1345 00:49:23,000 --> 00:49:24,834 "* I'M GONNA GET MY FUCK ON 1346 00:49:24,868 --> 00:49:27,501 "* I'M GONNA GET MY FUCK ON TONIGHT * 1347 00:49:27,534 --> 00:49:29,467 "* YES I'M GONNA GET MY FUCK ON * 1348 00:49:29,501 --> 00:49:31,400 "* I'M GONNA GET MY FUCK ON 1349 00:49:31,434 --> 00:49:34,400 "* I'M GONNA GET MY FUCK ON TONIGHT * 1350 00:49:34,434 --> 00:49:36,434 "* YES I'M GONNA GET MY FUCK ON * 1351 00:49:36,467 --> 00:49:37,734 "* I'M GONNA GET MY FUCK ON 1352 00:49:37,767 --> 00:49:41,501 * I'M GONNA GET MY FUCK ON TONIGHT *" 1353 00:49:41,534 --> 00:49:43,901 AND SHE'S LIKE, "RANDY, STOP DANCING." 1354 00:49:43,934 --> 00:49:45,968 [laughter] 1355 00:49:46,000 --> 00:49:47,367 AND YOU DO. 1356 00:49:47,400 --> 00:49:48,367 YOU STOP DANCING, THEN YOU HEAD TO THE BEDROOM, 1357 00:49:48,400 --> 00:49:49,968 AND YOU ABOUT TO SET IT OFF. 1358 00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:52,267 AND WHAT HAPPENS EVERY TIME YOU GET TO THIS MOMENT, FELLAS? 1359 00:49:52,300 --> 00:49:55,634 WHAT HAPPENS EVERY TIME YOU GET TO THIS MOMENT? 1360 00:49:55,667 --> 00:50:02,000 YOU GOT TO TAKE A HUGE SHIT! 1361 00:50:02,033 --> 00:50:03,834 SO YOU RUN IN THE BATHROOM AND START PLAYING THE GAME 1362 00:50:03,868 --> 00:50:05,834 THAT RANDY LIKES TO CALL, "MAKE A LOT OF NOISE 1363 00:50:05,868 --> 00:50:08,667 SO IT DON'T SOUND LIKE YOU TAKING A SHIT!" 1364 00:50:08,701 --> 00:50:10,701 YOU CUTTING ON THE SINK AND SHOWER. 1365 00:50:10,734 --> 00:50:11,868 SHE'S LIKE, "RANDY, WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?" 1366 00:50:11,901 --> 00:50:13,000 "NOTHING. I'M JUST BRUSHING MY TEETH 1367 00:50:13,033 --> 00:50:14,367 AND TAKING A SHOWER AT THE SAME TIME." 1368 00:50:14,400 --> 00:50:15,200 BUT THAT'S ENOUGH NOISE EITHER, SO YOU GOT TO RUN 1369 00:50:15,234 --> 00:50:16,601 IN THE KITCHEN. 1370 00:50:16,634 --> 00:50:17,667 NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE BLENDING 1371 00:50:17,701 --> 00:50:18,667 CARROTS AND CELERIES AND TOMATOES. 1372 00:50:18,701 --> 00:50:20,067 SHE'S LIKE, "RANDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?" 1373 00:50:20,100 --> 00:50:22,200 "BITCH, I'M MAKING YOU A SMOOTHIE!" 1374 00:50:22,234 --> 00:50:26,367 AND YOU GO BACK TO THE BEDROOM, AND WHAT DOES SHE SAY? 1375 00:50:26,400 --> 00:50:29,501 WHAT DOES SHE ALWAYS SAY? 1376 00:50:29,534 --> 00:50:30,901 "RANDY? 1377 00:50:30,934 --> 00:50:32,834 "RANDY? 1378 00:50:32,868 --> 00:50:35,133 "RANDY? 1379 00:50:35,167 --> 00:50:36,901 I GOT TO GO PEE." 1380 00:50:36,934 --> 00:50:38,901 "NO! 1381 00:50:38,934 --> 00:50:41,534 YOU GON' SMELL MY SHIT!" 1382 00:50:41,567 --> 00:50:46,567 [laughter and applause] 1383 00:50:46,601 --> 00:50:50,133 - * RANDY 1384 00:50:50,167 --> 00:50:51,701 - I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS THE OTHER DAY. 1385 00:50:51,734 --> 00:50:54,534 YOU KNOW WHAT MUST BE CRAZY? 1386 00:50:54,567 --> 00:50:57,000 GETTING YOUR DICK SUCKED IN AN IGLOO. 1387 00:50:57,033 --> 00:51:00,300 HOW YOU SUPPOSED TO STAY HARD WHEN IT'S SO COLD? 1388 00:51:00,334 --> 00:51:02,367 IT'D BE LIKE, "ESKIMO RANDY? 1389 00:51:02,400 --> 00:51:04,000 "ESKIMO RANDY? 1390 00:51:04,033 --> 00:51:06,767 "ESKIMO VERSION OF RANDY? 1391 00:51:06,801 --> 00:51:08,667 CAN I GIVE YOU A BLOWJOB?" 1392 00:51:08,701 --> 00:51:10,601 I'D BE LIKE, "NO! GIVE ME A BLANKET! 1393 00:51:10,634 --> 00:51:12,100 MY DICK'S COLD!" 1394 00:51:12,133 --> 00:51:14,300 - * RANDY 1395 00:51:14,334 --> 00:51:17,667 [laughter] 1396 00:51:17,701 --> 00:51:20,000 - KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF. 1397 00:51:20,033 --> 00:51:21,534 IT'S TOO COLD. 1398 00:51:21,567 --> 00:51:24,868 [laughter] 1399 00:51:24,901 --> 00:51:27,667 - FELLAS, DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET YOUR GIRL 1400 00:51:27,701 --> 00:51:30,033 TO DO THE CRAZY SHIT? 1401 00:51:30,067 --> 00:51:32,067 I MEAN, THE CRAZY SHIT? 1402 00:51:32,100 --> 00:51:33,868 IT'S SIMPLE. 1403 00:51:33,901 --> 00:51:36,200 YOU CAN'T ASK HER IN YOUR NORMAL VOICE. 1404 00:51:36,234 --> 00:51:37,667 IF I GOT A GIRL BACK AT MY PLACE, I'M LIKE, 1405 00:51:37,701 --> 00:51:39,234 "HEY, LET'S HAVE SEX IN MY KITCHEN." 1406 00:51:39,267 --> 00:51:41,400 SHE'D BE LIKE, "NO, RANDY! NO!" 1407 00:51:41,434 --> 00:51:44,334 [laughter] 1408 00:51:44,367 --> 00:51:49,000 BUT IF I ASK HER IN MY SMOOTH, SEXY, R&B VOICE-- 1409 00:51:49,033 --> 00:51:51,501 IF I'M LIKE, "* GIRL 1410 00:51:51,534 --> 00:51:53,968 "* I'M SAYING GIRL 1411 00:51:54,000 --> 00:51:56,400 "* I WANT TO FUCK YOU IN MY KITCHEN TONIGHT * 1412 00:51:56,434 --> 00:52:00,200 * BY MY FRIDGE BY MY OVEN BY MY FOREMAN GRILL *" 1413 00:52:00,234 --> 00:52:03,434 SHE'LL BE LIKE, "DAMN, RANDY. LET'S DO THAT SHIT NOW!" 1414 00:52:03,467 --> 00:52:06,033 NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE FUCKING AND MAKING CHICKEN. 1415 00:52:06,067 --> 00:52:07,501 - THAT'S RIGHT. 1416 00:52:07,534 --> 00:52:10,200 RANDY FUCKING AND MAKING CHICKEN SINCE '86, BITCHES. 1417 00:52:10,234 --> 00:52:15,601 [cheers and applause] 1418 00:52:15,634 --> 00:52:16,934 - YOU GUYS LIKE IMPRESSIONS? 1419 00:52:16,968 --> 00:52:18,934 [cheering] 1420 00:52:18,968 --> 00:52:21,601 ALL RIGHT, THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF ME, RANDY, 1421 00:52:21,634 --> 00:52:24,601 GETTING A BLOWJOB AT AN IKEA. 1422 00:52:24,634 --> 00:52:26,133 "EXCUSE ME. 1423 00:52:26,167 --> 00:52:27,167 "CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THE LIGHTING AND HOME FURNISHING-- 1424 00:52:27,200 --> 00:52:29,300 WHOA!" 1425 00:52:29,334 --> 00:52:31,767 - THEY CALL THAT SHIT A "OOFSK." 1426 00:52:31,801 --> 00:52:35,634 [laughter and applause] 1427 00:52:35,667 --> 00:52:38,467 - THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF ME, RANDY, 1428 00:52:38,501 --> 00:52:42,667 GETTING A BLOWJOB AT A WHOLE FOODS. 1429 00:52:42,701 --> 00:52:44,133 "EXCUSE ME. 1430 00:52:44,167 --> 00:52:44,868 "ARE THOSE YOUR ORGANIC STRAWBERRIES OR ARE-- 1431 00:52:44,901 --> 00:52:47,167 WHOA!" 1432 00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:49,567 - SHE GAVE YOU A FAIR-TRADE BLOWJOB. 1433 00:52:49,601 --> 00:52:51,000 - YEAH. 1434 00:52:51,033 --> 00:52:54,834 [laughter and applause] 1435 00:52:54,868 --> 00:52:56,334 YOU GUYS, NOW-- 1436 00:52:56,367 --> 00:52:57,634 ANYBODY SHOUT OUT A SUGGESTION. 1437 00:52:57,667 --> 00:52:59,801 I'LL DO MY IMPRESSION OF ME, RANDY, 1438 00:52:59,834 --> 00:53:01,300 GETTING MY DICK SUCKED THERE. 1439 00:53:01,334 --> 00:53:06,601 [overlapping yelling] 1440 00:53:06,634 --> 00:53:07,934 SIX FLAGS. 1441 00:53:07,968 --> 00:53:13,267 HERE WE GO. 1442 00:53:13,300 --> 00:53:15,100 "UM, EXCUSE ME. 1443 00:53:15,133 --> 00:53:17,267 "CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE I CAN FIND THE THING WHERE YOU-- 1444 00:53:17,300 --> 00:53:19,000 "YOU KNOW, WHERE YOU ROLL THE--WHAT IS IT CALLED? 1445 00:53:19,033 --> 00:53:22,133 SKEE BALL!" 1446 00:53:22,167 --> 00:53:26,100 - YOU MUST BE THIS TALL TO RIDE RANDY'S DICK. 1447 00:53:26,133 --> 00:53:30,334 [laughter and applause] 1448 00:53:30,367 --> 00:53:31,667 RANDY. 1449 00:53:31,701 --> 00:53:33,133 - KEEP 'EM COMING. KEEP 'EM COMING. 1450 00:53:33,167 --> 00:53:34,200 WHERE ELSE? WHAT ELSE? 1451 00:53:34,234 --> 00:53:36,100 [indistinct yelling] 1452 00:53:36,133 --> 00:53:38,300 FUNERAL? 1453 00:53:38,334 --> 00:53:40,868 OH, YOU TRYING TO STUMP RANDY, HUH? 1454 00:53:40,901 --> 00:53:43,234 YOU DON'T THINK RANDY GETS HIS DICK SUCKED AT FUNERALS? 1455 00:53:43,267 --> 00:53:44,868 YOU ABOUT TO GET DEALT WITH. 1456 00:53:44,901 --> 00:53:48,234 [laughter and applause] 1457 00:53:48,267 --> 00:53:50,667 THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF ME, RANDY, 1458 00:53:50,701 --> 00:53:52,567 GETTING MY DICK SUCKED AT A FUCKING FUNERAL. 1459 00:53:52,601 --> 00:53:56,167 [laughter] 1460 00:53:56,200 --> 00:53:59,167 "HEY, I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT, UM-- 1461 00:53:59,200 --> 00:54:00,634 "THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO SAY THIS, 1462 00:54:00,667 --> 00:54:01,901 "BUT I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I'M REALLY SORRY 1463 00:54:01,934 --> 00:54:04,300 FOR YOUR LOSS!" 1464 00:54:04,334 --> 00:54:05,601 THANK YOU, GUYS, SO MUCH! 1465 00:54:05,634 --> 00:54:07,901 MY NAME'S RANDY, Y'ALL! 1466 00:54:07,934 --> 00:54:09,100 GOOD NIGHT! 1467 00:54:09,133 --> 00:54:11,801 [rap music] 1468 00:54:11,834 --> 00:54:14,968 - MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE FOR RANDY! 1469 00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:16,100 STRAIGHT UP DOING IT TO YOU EVERY TIME! 1470 00:54:16,133 --> 00:54:19,367 - GET THAT MONEY! 1471 00:54:19,400 --> 00:54:22,067 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com