(woman) "Geordie Shore" is back.
What the hell is going to happen this time?
Geordie Tours.
What?
Across Europe.
Yes!
She's sending us to Europe.
What happens on tour stays on tour.
Bring on the fucking carnage.
Hardcore double sex.
Dust this, buck that.
Sex machine.
The fucking thing will blow up.
Everybody's noticing that there's an atmosphere
between me and James.
James is being a massive dickhead.
Let's get fucking smashed.
(cheering)
Don't be a fool, wrap your tool.
Gary's turned up and I don't give a shit.
He's all over her like a fanny rash.
What the fuck has happened to Charlotte?
I'm in control and then all of a sudden, I want to shag him.
(moaning)
Starts bouncing on top of us,
screaming in fucking Holly's ear.
Why the fuck are they having sex right next to me in the bed?
Ugh, that's making me feel sick now.
I should have a degree in pulling women.
I am a Geordie girl with a VIP edge.
If you look up 'pulling' in the dictionary,
my name's next to it.
I would never kiss anyone without a six-pack.
Get me in this house 'cause I'm gonna tear the place up.
I could talk the back legs off a donkey.
Got the looks, got the charm.
Just works.
I'm fit, I'm flirty and I've got double Fs.
The hardest graft I've ever done is doing me hair.
"Geordie Shore"!
Why aye!
¶
Fuck me.
I'm in bed with the parsnip.
Get off of us, man.
I've got to get out of here now.
Where the fuck did he sleep last night, the sneaky little twat.
Oh, fuck.
What's the matter with you?
She got on top and started fucking banging us.
Who? Charlotte.
What the fuck?
Sorry, Holly.
Ugh, get your hands off me, you scruffy little bitch.
Get over it, Holly.
I've had to listen to you buck loads.
Was it good?
Weren't even that good.
Oh God, I hate the disappointing ones.
Them two have opened up a big can of worms.
What happens in Amsterdam stays in Amsterdam.
We've been in Amsterdam
looking after stag and hen dos for big boss Anna,
but right now, it's our final morning
and we can't wait to get back to the toon.
I'm in.
Can I leave him behind?
I had sex with Gary.
Oh, shock.
Who would have thought that would happen?
Make my bacon sandwich, man!
and lots of ketchup on as well, please.
What is that noise?
That's my future husband.
¶
(woman singing) ¶ Wanna dance, yeah
Goodbye, houseboat.
Goodbye, sex with Gary.
Newcastle, we're coming home.
(imitates whistle)
(blowing raspberry)
Bye, you tossers.
I'm so glad to be home!
Oh, my God.
Home sweet home.
Oh, Scrambled Egg is still alive!
Oh, the water stinks.
¶
Now I'm back, I'm just gonna play the whole, like,
that was an Amsterdam thing, you know what I mean?
'Cause it's with Charlotte.
I just can't go down that path already.
It's too early.
Do not let me go home with her.
I'll fucking slap you if you do, like.
Obviously me and Charlotte,
what happened in Amsterdam stays in Amsterdam.
I'm back in Newcastle, I'm part of the Buck Squad
and I'm gonna go fucking nuts.
I just hope she doesn't go fucking nuts.
I've missed me boyfriend Joel so much while I've been away,
so I'm gonna give him a call
and hopefully, he's missed me as much as I've missed him.
(call ringing through) Hello?
Hiya.
Hi, you all right?
What the fuck is wrong with him?
What's going on between me and you?
Nothing.
I'm not going through this again.
We just scraped through last time.
I'm telling you right now you've been gone for three days
and it doesn't feel like I've got a girlfriend.
Basically, what it sounds like to me
is that he's trying to break up with us.
I need to see Joel tonight.
¶
What I'm scared is that when I see him,
it's gonna be like, "Oh, my God."
I don't know what's going to happen,
I don't know what he's gonna say.
I'm shitting meself.
I think once you see him, it'll be fine, like.
I think he's gonna miss you, you're missing him.
I'm telling Sophie that everything's gonna be all right,
but, like, we all know that Joel's been a dick
and who knows what he's gonna do.
Oh, you going?
Yeah, I'm going.
Soph.
Good luck-- have a good time.
Me and Sophie are the only two people left in the house
with relationships going on outside of it.
So I'm the only person who understands
what she's going through.
I hope she's all right, like.
¶
(phone ringing)
The phone rings and it's Anna.
You've got a job tonight. Okay.
Who's at work? For James and Dan.
They need to be on the limo bus.
They need to serve the girls
and they just need to make sure
that they have a really good time.
But please, behave themselves, okay?
They need to behave.
No problem, Anna, I'll let them know.
Thank you, bye. Bye.
She's thinking, "Hmm, who can I pick that won't flirt with girls
and will probably just sit in the corner
and repulse everyone?"
James and Dan.
Tonight, James and Dan are at work on the party bus.
(shouting) Yay!
On what? On what?
On the limo bus.
So Anna wants me and James to go and serve drinks
to a hen party on a limo bus.
Fucking we can nail that.
Please can she remind youse to not buck them on the bus.
Howay, I think I'm alreet-- how about you?
I'm gonna be the boss, seeing as how I've got a bird.
I'm going to kick back and let him do all the graft.
You never know, he might pull.
¶
So I go to the restaurant and shock, Joel is late.
Where the bloody hell are you?
I feel nervous, I'm sweating like a fat lass.
I don't know what to do and I'm starting to get the shakes.
And then he comes, in a fucking onesie.
Even though he's dressed like a twat,
he's got us a bunch of flowers.
A bunch of flowers to a girl changes everything.
Thank you for driving.
It's all right.
I've missed you so, so much.
I've missed you loads as well.
What was all that fuss about?
Joel seems fine.
All that worrying for absolutely nothing.
Shall we just order some food?
I'm starving, man.
Do you want to get a starter?
Fucking starter.
Now I know everything's definitely all right
and I can fix this with a kiss.
Relationship's sorted, but what the fuck does he look like?
You're dressed in a onesie,
your hair's not right and you've got a beard.
My hair is right!
This is the best my hair's ever been.
Do you not like it?
It looks like a tidal wave to the side.
This is fresh.
It's not. This is fresh.
This is what fresh looks like.
¶
Anna's got us work on a limo bus for a hen party.
Wicked.
Leave us a little bit of fanny at Bijoux, yeah?
Just a little bit. Bring some with you?
I'm gonna, I'm gonna try.
As long as they're not all fucking trolls.
Even Gaz and Scott I think are happy for us
'cause they're fucking encouraging us
to bring girls back with us.
See you later.
Have fun.
¶
I'm imagining like, seven, like, butch women
with pink cowboy hats, whistles.
Ready for you.
All of them's just gonna be waiting for you.
My God, man, don't say that.
James has got a girlfriend, so the pressure's on me.
If these girls are dry, it's my job to get them wet.
All right?
How youse doing?
You're all lively on yas.
Fuck, who died?
There's no atmosphere, there's no music.
The drinks aren't flowing.
Me and James gonna get this party started.
Dan is looking for a girl.
Let's go home.
I'm giving the customers exactly what they want.
The drinks are flowing, people are dancing.
Got some bird doing the splits.
We should be fucking doing this full-time.
Off, off, off!
Whoo!
This one girl comes across and pounces on us.
Fuck it, I'm a dedicated employee of Geordie Tours.
I'm not quite sure how Anna's gonna react,
whether she's gonna tan me ass or give us a high five.
Either way, #bothered.
Dan.
Where you going?
Wicked.
Looks like I bagged a worldie.
Where are you going?
Probably the same.
Bijoux as well, yeah? Yeah.
Right, well, get yourself there, we'll see you there.
All right then. Yeah.
Right then.
Right, nice one, see you in a bit.
Wait until the Buck Squad see this one.
¶
Hi.
What the fuck?
Sophie's just arrived with a giant walking American flag?
Oh, no, wait.
It's just Joel.
In a onesie.
Twat.
Joel, what is that?
Did you go out for dinner in that?
So you sat in Marco Polo's tonight like that?
Bell-end, bell-end. bell-end!
Who the fuck does that?
Joel, um, me and Holly and joined forces
to be like, the Cock Capturers.
Cock Capturers.
Charlotte and Holly are the Cock Capturers.
It's their cute little alliteration
and an excuse for being massive slags.
How many have you captured already?
Um, well, none so far.
Okay, so we haven't captured any cocks yet,
but when the competition kicks off tonight,
I know that we're going to kick the Buck Squad's ass.
They haven't even got a handshake.
Amateurs.
End of the day, the Cock Capturers want a little battle.
They're going up against me and fucking Scott.
They can't handle their drink, we can.
There's only gonna be one winner.
Does what happened in Amsterdam really stay in Amsterdam?
Yep.
The funny thing about Charlotte
is she's gotta try to keep up this façade.
This act that, "Yeah, I've just fucked Gary.
"Nailed and bailed.
"Smashed and gnashed."
Like she's not bothered.
But we all know that's not true.
I felt really all right, you know?
And I've been thinking to myself how am I feeling so all right.
This is really weird.
I am genuinely feeling really strong this time
and will not be going back to the parsnip.
¶
It's our first night out back in Newcastle.
Amsterdam has been done.
Now it's time to hit the Bijoux and get stuck in them students.
(cheering, whooping)
¶
Tonight is all about the Cock Capturers versus the Buck Squad.
Fucking bring it on.
We get to the Bijoux, it's fucking rammed.
All I can see is birds everywhere.
It is so good to be home.
Usually, me and Charlotte are quite chelp, pulling.
But now that we're rivaling the Buck Squad,
we have got to beat them.
I will not lose at this game.
How do we do it? How do we--
Do we just point and someone and be like, "You, come here."
Like that? Yes!
Really? Yes!
Scotty fucking T. drags two wicked birds in.
One for me, one for Gaz.
The Buck Squad is definitely back in action.
I'm watching Gary kissing and I don't feel anything.
I'm empty.
Nothing.
It was just going perfectly.
So the Buck Squad have pulled and we're thinking, Right.
There's quite a lot of good-looking boys
and all we need to do is just pull one of them.
Let's get drunk and then let's do it.
It can't be that hard.
Shall I tap his back?
Oh, shit, I tapped the wrong person.
Fuck me-- I'm a cock,
and I definitely wouldn't want to be captured by one of them.
All of a sudden, Dan's bird,
who he necked on with on the bus, comes in.
This is too easy.
Looks like I'm getting some action tonight.
Me and Scott were saying Dan cannot fail to pull on a hen do.
And the rotter failed.
You did not neck on with her?
They've told us to pull, so I pulled.
There's no pleasing these two.
What the fuck?
Go on, Daniel, have a go at her.
I'm not bothered.
There's nothing wrong with this girl, but fuck it,
it's not worth the grief I'm getting from the Buck Squad.
So I wanna run away and hide at the back of the club.
I'll be a couple of minutes, I'm just going to the toilet.
Can I sit here for two minutes?
I'm just trying to hide from a girl in here.
So this wicked brunette, who I'm with, has got a mate
and it's her birthday.
Standard procedure.
Four-way kiss.
His tongue touches mine-- fucking hell!
He's gone with everyone in Newcastle.
It was only a matter of time before he tried it on with me.
I'm going to show every boy in this club that I am free, single
and ready for me fanny to mingle.
Go on, fanny!
I'm going.
I can't do it, I can't do it.
You can!
I can't do it!
The first boy we meet has got a girlfriend.
The second boy we meet--
Me tits are sweaty.
Has also got a girlfriend.
Are you disappointed?
Yeah.
The third boy we meet--
You've got a lot of drinks there.
Gives us a drink and we're thinking,
"Right, you're a winner."
He's got a fucking girlfriend again.
Girlfriend.
We get pied three times? Three?
Are you for fucking real?
¶
Shock.
Joel is completely mortal.
One more.
I'm all right.
No, you've already had loads.
You won't be able to have sex.
I will.
You won't. Trust me, I will.
He better be all right 'cause now that we've made up,
I want to go home and I want to him to shag us senseless.
It's my first night back in Newcastle and it's fucking shit.
All the singles are off on the pull.
All the couples are necking on with each other.
I'm left by meself.
I don't know how much longer I can cope without seeing Kate.
Me and Charlotte are on the dance floor and we're panicking.
There's no one up here.
What are we gonna do?
I know, I know, I know.
What about that little person there, we'll three-way kiss him.
No, no, no.
Right, okay, okay, okay.
I'm running out of options here.
And I need to pull,
so I grab the nearest boy to us and he's got a massive 'tache,
and I'm taking 'Tashe on to the next levels.
Thank you so much.
Charlotte's necking on, so I just turn 'round
and I neck on with the first person I see.
Buzzing.
Congratulations!
Charlotte is on fire.
She's doing brilliantly.
And then she goes and pulls a Charlotte
and gets fucking mortal.
"Someone take us home, please."
Sorry, single cocks.
Better luck next time.
The thing that really pisses me off about Gary
that he entirely ignores Charlotte
for the majority of the night.
Then when she gets a little bit too drunk
and me and Ricci have done the lion's share
of getting her into the house,
he comes sweeping in like a knight in shining armor,
acting like he fucking cares about her loads.
Obviously I do care about her.
We've been through a lot and I know her better than anyone.
I can't just have her passed on the sofa.
So I pick her up and I put her to bed.
He's not a knight in shining armor,
he's a cunt with a quiff, and that's about fucking it.
The others can deal with drunk Charlotte this time.
My lad's here and I want to go to the shag pad
and bounce on his big fat cock.
He can't even get up.
How the fuck am I supposed to have sex
with someone who is so drunk?
So then we're in bed together.
I'm starting to get a bit horny.
And I'm starting to forget about how drunk he is.
And maybe him being drunk, we can experiment more things
'cause everyone knows drunken sex is the best sex.
You're so wet, Soph.
Then all of a sudden, it turns into really weird sex.
Sex that I've never experienced with Joel.
Joel.
What was with all the bum?
What?
You fucker.
There's a first time for everything, innit?
Fucking hell, I'm fucked.
It's like a tornado's gone right up me asshole.
Sorry about that.
Was it good though?
Hmm, it was nice.
Oh, sweet.
It's been a fab night.
I haven't ended it with me boyfriend.
We're together and we've just had the best sex ever.
I love ya.
Oh, fuck!
What the fuck?
I love you.
What are you doing? I love you.
All right, sweet.
Say it back.
Aye, aye I love you.
¶
Feels amazing to wake up in this house with me boyfriend here
and I know that our relationship is just now content.
But it's going to be hard for us to say bye to him again.
It's mine and Vicky's anniversary today
and the one thing I know she loves is breakfast in bed.
Joel and Sophie have stole the shag pad,
but me and Vicky are going to be having breakfast al fresco.
I wake up and Ricci's made me breakfast in bed.
Only I'm not in bed.
I'm on a fucking balcony.
Bit like Romeo and Juliet.
Ricci, I'm so hung over, I can't put this in me face yet.
Only I stink of Jaeger bombs and the eggs are fucking shit.
I love you, Ricci Guaranaccio,
despite the fact that you can't cook eggs
to save your fucking life.
I love you. Love you.
I haven't spoke to Kate since getting back from Amsterdam,
so I'm going to give her a quick call
and see how much she's missed us.
(call ringing through) Hello?
You all right? Yeah.
Good.
Having a girlfriend whilst being in the "Geordie Shore" house
is harder than I ever would have imagined.
I miss you, Kate.
I miss you, I just can't cope.
I know-- I promise, everything's fine.
It's not fine-- It's far from fine.
Kate's stressing out about us being in the house with Holly.
I've done nothing, Kate-- I haven't even spoken to Holly.
Good, not a word.
This phone call just proves I'm right.
I need to keep me distance from Holly.
I can't even remember seeing James.
He's petrified of talking to any other girls
in case it upsets her
so I think he's pretty much got a lot of solo time ahead of him.
I went through a stage of being upset about James,
being angry about him, and now I just couldn't give a fuck.
I'm just over it now.
Nothing's gonna change.
And yeah, I miss me friend,
but I'm not going to fucking let him know that anymore.
I'm just going to get fucking on with doing my own thing.
Oh, I loved last night.
I fucking loved it.
I was like, necking on.
Three-way necking on.
Fuck it-- everything was mint.
I was panicking that it was all gonna kick off again.
I think Charlotte was panicking
that it was gonna kick off again.
But basically, what happened in Amsterdam
actually stayed in Amsterdam.
We both had a good night.
It's been perfect.
Who's proud?
I'm proud of both of youse
'cause youse both kissed someone new.
Me and Holly, we did so well.
We tashed on with two lads.
When Gary was kissing the girl,
do you know when I said I was that bit angry?
Yeah.
I was none.
Really?
None, none, nothing.
Well done, mate.
I don't know whether she's saying this
to try to convince us or convince herself.
¶
It's all tied between the Buck Squad and the Cock Capturers.
But the competition has just begun.
¶
I've decided to take the competition
between the boys and the girls up a notch.
We're going go-karting and I'm going to show them who's boss.
Who's up for coming go-karting?
Scott, Dan!
Go-karting?
Why the fuck does Gary always come up with shit ideas?
Can you get done for drink driving in a go-kart?
I'm buzzing.
I love karting.
(phone ringing)
Ah!
What the hell?
Hello? Hi-- can I speak to Dan, please?
It's Anna.
Oh fuck.
I bet I know what she wants.
Hello, Anna.
It's been brought to my attention
that you might have been a little bit too friendly
with one of the hens.
Oh yes. At the party the other day.
Oh yeah, sorry about that.
Not acceptable behavior.
Right.
I want you to clean that limo bus from bumper to bumper.
I can't believe I'm being punished.
I should be rewarded-- I made that girl's night.
I should be Employee of the Month.
Bye.
Gotta clean that fucking dirty limo bus
while you going on the track with go-karts.
Where are you gonna do?
Gotta go clean that fucking scruffy bus.
I'm sure it was worth it, Dan.
Trying to bounce?
Dan, fucking enjoy cleaning that fucking bus, kid-- haha!
¶
Absolutely love go-karting.
I'm like Super fucking Mario, but with a huge bulge.
¶
You here to clean the bus, are ya?
Aye, that's me punishment.
Right, there's your wash brush.
There's your hose.
And just start at the top, work your way down.
Do a good job.
Right, I'll cry on.
(sighing) Really?
Oh.
My God, man.
Why?
¶
I'll help you pull.
I'm really good at that lately.
Straightaway, Charlotte is bugging us.
Me and Holly, the Cock crusaders,
are actually doing better than youse two.
No, we're drawing.
The girls are running before they can walk.
They think because they've necked on with a few lads
they're going to win this.
Fucking behave.
Watch us win.
Bye, babe.
"Babe"?
I'm not your babe, you cheeky little fucker.
I know for a fact I'm gonna win.
It's not even gonna be a competition.
Anything the Buck Squad can do, I can do better.
¶
(engines idling)
(squealing)
It looks like Charlotte can drive as well as she can pull.
Someone get her some L-plates
and stick 'em straight on her head.
Stop it, you're making us angry!
It'll be like a proper competition, like, everything.
The Cock Capturers versus the Buck Squad.
When is this shit gonna end?
¶
Cock Capturers versus Buck Squad is all well and good,
but on nights out,
I'm starting to worry that Charlotte's taking it too far.
I don't want her to get too slaggy.
Holly goes on about cock all the time,
but then hearing about Charlotte, I was like, "Shit."
I went, "Are you going out tonight?"
She said, "Yeah, why not?
I just want more cock."
I was like, "Oh, no."
I'm flying on these karts, having the best day ever.
Dan's cleaning some limo bus.
Do I feel guilty? No.
Why?
I should be karting, tanning the lads' asses 'round that track.
Instead, I'm cold, wet, and pissed off.
Ugh.
Fuck off.
¶
To be fair, there was no doubt I was always gonna win.
I nearly had you, Gary.
Gary won-- so what?
It's a pulling competition, not a stupid karting competition.
The Buck Squad were victorious again.
It's time for a lap of honor.
You were with a girl last night!
My fanny didn't even flinch!
The final stage to getting over someone
is hurling abuse at them.
And it works.
You're a shit shag!
It really works.
(laughing)
I think Charlotte is doing a good thing here.
Shouting abuse at the boy that you dislike
but love at the same time when he can't hear anything at all.
Your foreskin is so long it dangles down to your kneecap!
(sighing heavily)
Necking on that bird definitely wasn't worth it.
Keep it in your pants and you'll not be here cleaning buses.
I'll try, I'll try.
(bucket clattering)
¶
(all sighing)
Home sweet home.
¶
Tonight, everyone's off to Ricardo's
to celebrate mine and Ricci's one-year anniversary
and I'm really excited.
¶
Vicky's looking absolutely gorgeous.
All the "Geordie Shore" family is here.
What better way to celebrate our one-year anniversary?
I can't actually believe a couple has managed to last
this long in this fucking nut house.
I want everyone just to say a big "Why aye"
and a big one-year anniversary to Ricci and Vicky.
Oh!
Why aye!
Happy anniversary.
Well done, guys.
So me and James are sitting apart
from each other at the table
and I'm thinking, "Why is this continuing?
Why are you being so immature?"
I can't be dealing with any of that shit.
I still haven't spoke to her
and tonight is definitely not the night.
It's all about Vicky and Ricci.
Do you think we broke
the "Geordie Shore" relationship curse then?
Hey, mine's (indistinct).
Yeah, mine's actually happy for once as well.
To your relationship and James' relationship as well.
Thank you.
Congratulations, guys.
Me and you.
Right now,
I could cut the tension between Holly and James with a knife.
I think she really needs some calming down.
I know why he's doing what he's doing.
He loves Kate.
She's upset how close he is with you.
It's not like I'm gonna go
and jump on your boyfriend's cock, for God's sake.
I've had enough of it.
It bores me now.
So you can feel free to have my sloppy seconds.
Believe me from the bottom of me heart, right?
It's his loss.
Right?
Because you were a great friend to him.
I don't know why he doesn't just interact with her
like a normal person would, and let this all blow over.
This is like, the calm before the storm.
It is going to kick off and I'm just waiting for it.
Charlotte!
To the single people.
To the singles! Yay!
Tonight's been amazing.
Exactly what I wanted it to be.
A great big celebration with all of our friends.
Now they're off out on the lash
and me and Ricci get some nice time at home on our own.
We've had a lush meal,
now it's off to continue the celebrations at Legends.
I've never been before,
but Scotty T. promises it's gonna be epic.
Game's still on.
It's mine and Gary's Buck Squad
versus Holly and Charlotte's "Cock Capturers."
Let's see who pulls the most tonight, girls.
¶
Sick club.
Loads of wicked birds.
Thanks, Scotty T.
It's full of young girls for youse to buck,
but all the boys are student geeks
with curly perms and pale skin.
¶
Have you spoken to James yet?
Are you joking?
What? You joking?
He won't even speak to us.
It's a complicated situation between James and Holly.
I know James doesn't want to piss off his girlfriend,
but he hasn't got to be a prick to Holly.
Every time somebody does something funny, silly
or slightly embarrassing, you've got James in the fucking corner
stood there with his water,
looking down his nose at everyone.
It's "Geordie Shore", not Geordie fucking bore.
Scotty, I'm away now, like.
Sophie wants to go home. No, man.
Sophie wants to go home, so I'm gonna go with her.
After me phone call with Kate today,
the last place I want to be is in a nightclub with drunk Holly.
So I'm going home and Sophie's coming with us.
James has gone home.
Again, he's missed his bird, he doesn't want to drink tonight.
He's not really getting into the lads' kind of banter.
But that's what happens when you get a girlfriend.
Fuck off home, Granddad.
¶
Any of the boys looking better-looking
now we've had more to drink?
I can't even see them.
Me and Charlotte are ready.
We're gonna capture all the cock.
This is the Booth of Love.
We found a booth and we're just dragging boys in
and asking if they want to kiss.
Most of them are saying no.
What?
Which I'm quite shocked about,
but we find one boy who isn't that good-looking.
This is how it's gonna work.
We're all gonna be doing the kissing.
I can't do it, Charlotte.
I can't. No!
Holly doesn't want to do it, and I need to do it.
I need to do it for myself.
I need to do it for single Charlotte.
So I'm doing it.
And he's kissing so fast it's like a Hoover.
Hoovering out all me saliva.
What the hell?
Fuck me.
It's one-nil to the Cock Capturers.
Time to call Scotty T. to do some damage.
¶
Ah, you're an amazing kisser.
Scotty T. has pulled.
The Buck Squad have pulled.
But Gary hasn't,
so this still means we're still only neck and neck.
¶
Back at the house and the teams have come together.
And I'm enjoying the fact that if we haven't pulled,
the teams can still be sociable.
We're having a laugh, we're eating fish food.
We're in the hot tub.
I'm actually having a good time.
And fair play at the girls,
they've held their own and proved they can pull,
but can they handle their drink?
Enough said.
¶
I'm wet and I stink of piss.
I can't believe you've pissed yourself again, Char.
It went all the way through!
She distributed the largest amount of piss
that I have ever seen in me life.
It covered three-quarters of her mattress.
Oh, there's piss down there as well.
It's soaking.
That's fucking-- Ahh!
It goes from there to there.
I've ruined me bed again.
She must have a bladder the size of a small fucking country.
So last night, it the Cock Capturers versus the Buck Squad
and no one banged.
So now we're going to go speed dating
with a load of desperate singles
and we have more chance of pulling in there.
So do you want to go to speed dating?
Speed dating?
Yeah.
I've never been speed dating before,
but fuck it, I'll give it a try.
Do you want to come speed dating?
We decide that we'll ask the single boys
if they want to come.
Scott.
You want to come speed dating?
Fuck it.
If there's fanny there, I'm game.
¶
Fancy a pint?
A pint?
Are you mad?
Actually, what makes you bad makes you better.
Me, Ricci and James are hanging from last night.
There's only one thing to do.
Pint, food and sort meself out for speed dating.
A quiet pint is a perfect time to talk to James about Holly.
Obviously, Holly was really upset, man.
And-- But you know what it is?
I understand your point of view, though.
You want to stay away from her
because you don't want to upset your girlfriend.
You value your relationship a lot more with Kate
than your friendship with Holly.
Oh, a hundred million percent.
Best thing you can do though, is put it on the table
and be like, that's your feelings.
That's how you feel.
That's how you feel towards Kate
and that's how you feel
about you and Holly just being friends.
And then you've been nice about it.
Exactly what you're saying
is what I thought was going on last time.
It's what I thought was happening last time.
Then she come out, telling us she was getting feelings for us.
She was crying all the time.
The flirting--
So this time, I don't even want to let it get to that,
you know what I mean?
Ricci's right.
I do need to speak to Holly, but I think it's still too soon.
You're so sexy, mate.
You're so lovable.
I'm just too good-looking.
¶
Seeing as how we're going speed dating,
we need to look our best, so we're all going to the salon.
Charlotte.
You need a cleanse.
So speed dating tonight.
Let's talk about things that you may get asked.
Oh shit, you've got to talk to them?
Yeah, exactly-- you can't just suck them off.
I want to make sure they're going to do well tonight
and I decide the best way to do that is a bit of role playing.
Hi, I'm Michael.
Hi, I'm Charlotte.
Michael?
This is going really well.
So Vicky's pretending to be a boy.
Hi, I'm Paul. Hi, Paul.
When was the last time you had sex?
Well, that's a bit personal, Charlotte, don't you think?
For God's sake, Charlotte,
I didn't actually realize you were this bad at pulling.
You're meant to be me wingman and you're just shit.
Would you have sex with me, Paul?
Don't ever look at him like that.
Charlotte's doing this weird thing with her eyebrows
and if I was a boy, I'd run in the opposite direction.
You fucking creep.
It's "Come to bed" eyes.
¶
How bad is me head now, right?
I'm not Sophie, I'm someone else.
Oh, sorry.
Dan hardly ever pulls
so I've decided to give him some good tips
to help him pull a worldie at speed dating.
Come on.
Right.
Hi, I'm Dan.
I'm 20, I'm from Newcastle.
I like going out, having a good time, I'm down-to-earth.
No, Dan-- I've not done this before.
That's why I need you to talk me through it.
You're just rambling.
It's not working.
He's still thick as fuck.
You need to sound interested.
So, hiya.
Hello, I'm Sophie.
Really?
Hi, I'm Sophie.
I'm Dan.
After me disaster from the other night,
I'm aiming for a better result tonight at speed dating.
If you see any vegetables,
will you "lettuce" know?
Ugh. No?
When is anyone going to see a vegetable
when they're on a speed date?
He's starting to tell me jokes.
"If you see any vegetables, will you 'lettuce' know?"
No wonder Dan hardly fucking pulls.
Scott!
There's no need to shout.
We've been waiting a fucking hour howay.
I was brushing my teeth-- fucking hell.
¶
Me and Holly are ready for speed dating.
The Cock Capturers are going to capture
some kind of cock tonight.
So would you say you wear your heart on your sleeve?
My heart is hidden deep down inside
and I don't know where it is.
Don't really have one.
Two minutes is not a long time.
How the fuck, is this awkward?
Nice meeting you-- Dan.
My plan for speed dating is simple.
So what are your interests?
Ask loads of questions.
I like to sing, dance and act.
Why don't you do "X-Factor" or something if you can sing?
Pretend like you're interested.
So you do anything else?
And you can't go wrong.
It was nice meeting you.
See you later, yeah?
You look beautiful by the way.
Treat me like I'm fucking sick.
Why haven't I done this before?
Speed dating is pointless to me 'cause you're sitting there,
you get two minutes-- what are you going to do?
Just tell me your life story.
What's your name? Where are you from?
What do you work as? Where are you going later?
So all you really do is stare at their fucking tits.
Seven.
I'm on to like, my second boy
and he comes over and he takes a seat
and I've got loads of good questions to hit him with.
You tell me something interesting.
And the first one is
tell me something interesting about yourself.
About me?
Yeah. Nah, I probably just hate myself.
You hate yourself?
That wasn't the answer I was kind of expecting.
He hates heself.
Now I don't feel like this is a speed dating thing.
It's more like a counseling session.
You need to like yourself.
There's lots of good things about you, Tandor.
Name one.
Your hair is so curled.
I'm lying.
You get a tick.
Yeah? Yeah!
It was a sympathy tick.
Try and learn to love yourself.
What's your name?
I'm Scott, very nice to meet you.
This is the easiest thing ever.
I could talk for England.
I could talk to an orange about a fucking apple.
What if I don't want you to leave after two minutes?
You've got a tick.
I've put a tick here already.
I hope I got a tick.
I can hear all the boxes getting ticked already.
She's not going anywhere here, like.
Staying with Scotty.
It's the moment we've all been waiting for.
Who's the worst speed dater and who's the champion speed dater?
Holly, one.
And Dan, four. What?
So I've got more matches than Gaz and Scott.
Just proves sitting down, having a conversation
and listening to what a girl has to say
will beat the Buck Squad any day of the week, hands down.
One tick!
You know what? I'm better at blow jobs.
Let's go.
Hopefully me and Holly will have better luck in the club.
Everyone knows that's the only place you pull anyway.
¶
It's Tuesday, which means one thing.
We're going to Koos.
Everyone's buzzing.
Gotta make sure you're looking sharp and we're gonna get on it.
¶
It's Koosday tonight,
which means game on between Cock Capturers and Team Buck Squad.
¶
You've got the Cock Capturers and the Buck Squad.
I couldn't give a fuck who wins.
I'm just going to sit back and watch it kick off.
¶
You've got the Cock Capturers running 'round,
you've got the Bucking Squad running 'round
like a dog with two dicks.
And I just don't know who's gonna come out on top.
¶
I can't actually believe it.
The girls are beating the lads at their own game.
I've only just learned your name.
What is it again? Graeme?
Right now, the girls are winning.
I kissed!
We've done it.
We've been in the club five minutes
and me and Holly have already pulled.
Which means one-nil to Cock Capturers.
Fair play at the girls-- they've got off the mark quick.
The bulls necking on my boys.
But I guarantee I'll still beat them to the finish line.
¶
This whole competition is all a major cover-up.
It's really all about me and Gary
and this is a war between us.
See a bird, I get her over, I take her home.
That's what I call speed dating.
I see Gary leave with a girl, but weirdly, I don't care.
I've got Graeme
and hopefully I'll be capturing his cock later.
We can go on a proper date if you want.
A proper date?
A date? A date?
An actual date?
Could try.
This means I can't buck him?
What the fuck am I gonna do?
I need to buck now tonight, so Graeme's gonna have to fuck off.
I need to find someone else.
¶
Graeme has politely fucked off
and I found someone else to take home and bang.
And he's game.
We'll get home and all the sex will happen.
Charlotte has pulled and so has Holly.
And they're going to bring the boys back.
I need to get back to the house as soon as possible
so that it's still neck to neck.
¶
I come back with me bird.
But then Charlotte and Holly have both got lads back.
Both people out of the Cock Capturers have actually pulled,
whereas only one of the Buck Squad have.
I'd say that was one-nil.
I'm showing my boy our fish.
We're both not bothered.
The only fish he wants to see is the one between me legs.
And that's where we're going right now to do all of the sex.
¶
¶ I'm going down on the cock ¶
¶ I'm getting low on the cock ¶
¶ I'm going down, I'm getting low ¶
¶ I'm going down on the cock
To be fair, it's actually impressive
for the girls to actually get lads back to the house
and into bed without passing out, being sick
or pissing on them.
I've had sex in the house and Gary's had sex in the house.
It's all weirdly okay
and there's been no kick-offs, no arguments and no tears.
This is getting fucking strange.
¶ Everyone's here to party ¶
¶ If you wanna go back wanna go back ¶
¶ Everyone's here to party ¶
¶ If you wanna go back wanna go ¶
¶ Everyone's here to party
¶ If you wanna go back wanna go back ¶
¶ Everyone's here to party ¶
¶ Let's party party (Wanna go back) ¶
¶ Let's party hard (Wanna go back) ¶
¶ Let's party party (Wanna go back) ¶
¶ Let's party hard
¶ Go now go now go now go now ¶