Geordie Shore is back!
(cheering)
Last time was mint.
Two new housemates.
We caused havoc.
Hey, hey!
There was ups, there was downs.
I'd like to shit on his face.
Last time the bucks were dominated.
Where's the fuckin' fanny?
I ended up banging Scott.
(groans) (gasps)
And realized I still had feelings for James.
I got meself a girlfriend.
Vicky and Ricci got kicked out.
You're a fuckin' arsehole!
I'm gonna leave.
I had to leave and I had to be with him.
Charlotte had a boyfriend and now doesn't.
Me and Scott are finished.
Feelings are coming back for Gary.
Kiss, kiss.
Why has he kissed us?
This could just mean fuckin' anything.
What the hell is gonna happen this time?
Geordie Tours-- What?
Across Europe. (all cheering)
She's sending us to Europe.
What happens on tour stays on tour!
Geordie Tours. Chaos...
with a little side of pandemonium,
and a sprinkling of insane.
Jaeger bombs.
Vomit... (groans)
Bangin'... Arguin'.
Blow jobs. Fuckin'.
Poo. Buckin'.
(moans) Smashin'.
Loads more cock in the hole. Party!
This is unbeatable!
Boom! Boom! Boom!
Bring on the fuckin' carnage.
Geordie Tours! (cheering)
I should have a degree in pullin' women.
I am a Geordie girl with a VIP edge.
If you look up pulling in the dictionary,
my name's next to it.
I've never kissed anyone without a six-pack.
Get in this house, I'm gonna tear the place up.
I could talk the back legs off a donkey.
Got the looks, got the charm, it just works.
I'm fit, I'm flirty, and I've got double-Fs.
The hardest graft I've ever done is doin' me hair.
"Geordie Shore"!
¶
I'm free, I'm single,
and I'm ready for me clit to tingle.
Hol, I'm single now with you.
I know. Can you believe it?
This time I've got Charlotte back, wingwoman.
So Charlotte, does that mean that you're on rebound?
No!
Eh, but yeah, because you're single now.
That's when you can just run free.
Okay, I'm on crazy rebound, then.
When me and Gary said our goodbyes,
we ended up kissing.
It smacked us in the face,
and I didn't know how to take it.
I think I tried it to see if I liked it.
That's what people do on the rebound.
I've heard that happens all the time.
I have said this before:
I am not going back to Gary.
I'm not going back to Parsnip.
But this time around, I mean it.
¶
Rebound, rebound.
Really, now, you've got to think, fuckin',
last time I seen Charlotte it was like,
that little awkward kiss right at the end.
The last time I had seen Charlotte,
I was kissing her, saying goodbye,
a little peck to end it, a little bit of tongue action.
Are you gonna bang her again?
No, no. Right, as soon as you do,
that's when she's just gonna--
No, that's it, that's it. Keep moving.
So I'm one half of the buck squad,
and Gaz is the other.
Together we're like a fuckin' pulling force.
If they're the buck squad, right, what are we?
What about the cock capturers?
I like that one.
That's like a flycatcher, isn't it?
Yeah. Like a cock capturer.
It's like a Venus trap.
We're gonna give the buck squad
a run for their money.
They're not gonna know what hit 'em.
We're goin' back into there,
go get partnered, girls!
I know I've still got two, we should pack.
See you at the house.
Last time around I got meself a girlfriend.
We're still together.
What's that? Oh, that's all right.
It's just a thousand girls' hearts breakin' in Newcastle.
All that Scott and Gaz want to do
all the time is pull.
It's not the boys that worry us.
I think, you know,
it's the actions of Holly
that I just think so inappropriate-like.
Once upon a time me and Holly were friends with benefits,
but that's all in the past now.
Holly's not even gonna get the time of day,
especially if I know that it upsets you.
I'm looking forward to getting back in that house
and seeing the rest of me fucked-up family.
(sighs) Funny, I didn't have so many vests.
So surprisingly I haven't missed James.
It's completely old news.
It's like a dried-up prune.
So why the fuck did I ever go there?
Because he knew you were just an easy target and--
I'm not that easy!
You were there for the taking, Holly.
I just can't wait to get in there,
see the girls, have a drink.
We are happy being engaged, I think.
We're never gonna be a couple who never argues.
I think we've got to accept that. It's just realistic.
The Geordie Shore house is a great environment
for certain things to flourish,
like chlamydia.
However, it is one of the worst places
to have a monogamous, healthy relationship.
'Cause obviously being in the house, it's-- it is a test.
Last time in the house me and Ricci had a lot of problems
and quite a lot of conflict,
and it all stemmed out from the fact
that he's a massive tosser.
Nobody wants to see me and Vicky arguing all the time.
I think I'm gonna rein it in a little bit,
be on my best behavior so I don't get any more trouble from her.
This is our opportunity in there
to really have some fun and just be ourselves
and not get too caught up in all the drama.
We love each other, so it shouldn't be that hard.
So I'm buzzin' 'cause it's all goin' off again.
We're back in that house and I can't wait.
I think you'll be able to hold your own
with the other ones now that you've settled in.
I think I've become a lot more independent.
I think I've matured an awful lot.
I don't mind being the little brother in the house.
The rest of them are all over the hill.
That place is like a fuckin' old people's home.
Oh, that's gross. (chuckles)
Don't get too drunk.
See you later.
Who's that?
Me and Joel are still together
and we're stronger than ever.
We have been through a lot of shit
and I know that nothing is gonna come between us.
So I'm off to pick up me best mate Charlotte,
but no doubt she's gonna stink of fake tan
and smell like a tart arsehole.
Scrambled and Egg are still alive and kickin',
and they cannot wait to come back to the house.
(gasping) (shrieks)
Oh, no, no! Put him back in!
Put it back in, put it back in!
Charlotte, put him back in.
He's gonna die!
Oh, my God, that was horrible.
Scrambled, Egg, it's time to go home.
Whoo!
I'm always excited to get back in that house.
To me it's heaven. It's partyin', it's birds, it's banter.
Last time I was in the house it was a fuckin' shithole.
It absolutely stunk.
Fuckin' hell!
(laughs) They have a fireplace in now.
To see the house change that much,
it's like going from a warehouse to a mansion.
A perfect lads' pad.
I bet you soon as the girls get in,
they'll start shittin' all over the place.
I've missed everyone.
Let's get fuckin' on it.
Cheers. Do it.
So we're back in Newcastle and we're gonna smash it.
This is unbelievable.
Oi oi! Oi oi!
The new house is absolutely mint.
James has got a bird.
I hope he's not as boring as he was last time.
I'm gonna go in this comfy room again, me down here.
I'm not gonna share a room with the fuckin' buck squad, am I?
Maybe they should just get a tally chart on the wall
to see who can pull the fuckin' ugliest.
So every time, when it comes to this time
and we're just about to go in the house, I get so excited.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck?
Alright?
The only thing that I'm worried about
going back into the house
is the way James is going to react around me.
I've told me girlfriend Kate that this time around
I'm not going to speak to Holly.
This is gonna be awkward. Bothered.
But this time it's not gonna be the buck squad.
It's gonna be the cock capturers.
Me and Charlotte are gonna capture all the cock.
I can't believe Holly has challenged the buck squad to a banging competition.
Schoolgirl error.
Game on.
It's time to get back in that house, and I can't wait.
This time around I'm not taking any shit
and I'm not sucking up to anybody.
I'm gonna go on radge, buck birds,
and just generally be a legend.
Last time around Dan just competing with the buck squad,
I hope this time he just does his own thing.
Welcome back, ol' kid.
Whoo! Hey!
I feel this kind of responsibility for Dan,
just like an older brother.
I feel I've got to guide him to girls
and tell him what to do and what he's doing wrong.
So you've got the buck squad and you've got the little brother.
I go for quality and not quantity.
¶
Oi!
Hey! Yes!
I walk into the new house
and it is absolutely beautiful.
I give it half an hour before it's covered in piss,
before Holly sucks someone off in it.
Vicky and Ricci left last time,
and it must be so hard in this house being a couple.
Oh, this-- I remember last time you all--
you Geordies were all waitin' for that bird to come.
"I wouldn't, like..."
It's good to have Ricci back in the house,
but I still can't understand a fuckin' word he says.
I know what I'm sayin' in me head,
but I can't get the fucker out.
¶
I feel like I've got this hatred towards Gary now
for all this shit and all the, like, mind games that he's done, and--
Especially after what happened last time.
Last time around, at the end,
Gary picked us up and we ended up kissing.
Well, it just-- that was a head fuck
and I was so upset afterwards.
That was, like, a moment that was, like... (sighs)
kind of breathtaking
because I always kind of wished or imagined... (sobs)
that would happen. (sobbing)
I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.
Yeah, youse are gonna get married, though?
You know youse are gonna get married?
I mean, the first-- the first commitment
I'll go into I'll be like, I'll only bang you.
Yes, Charlotte, I love hers,
I love her a bit, but boyfriend/girlfriend thing
it just-- I can stop it. She's the one who's conned.
He constantly says that it's me, it's me,
who, like, who gets the feelings back...
But it's not. ...when he's the one who leads us on.
He's the one who flirts with me,
like, "Shut the fuck up. Stop being a stupid fucking
ignorant stupid prick."
(sobs) Oh, now I'm getting angry--
(sniffles) angry tears. (sighs)
He's got Scott now so he can just go and fuckin' buck him.
Why is he pretending to be this lad
when everyone can see his true colors?
(sobs) I hate being a girl.
You two will be like Scrambled and Egg
rolling around the bowl, so happy and so in love
and so unaware of what's going on in the outside.
(groans) Can that never happen?
In all honesty, I have missed Charlotte.
The minute we stepped foot in that house together
our feelings come rushing back
and it's back to square one.
I fuckin' hate him, and he's gonna be in here
and he's gonna be all smarmy, like, "Yeah, I'm back now, buckin' squad."
I'm going into the house 100% single
and I'm gonna put the biggest front on ever
that I don't like Gary.
What if you had got all this gallivantin',
get it out of your system in, like, the next couple of years?
Yeah, couple of weeks.
Next couple of weeks?
Then chill with Charlotte.
Don't know what to do, I don't know.
But you're in love with her?
(Sophie) Ohh! Oh, my God!
Come on, Gary!
Is that them? Yeah.
(Charlotte) Oh, my God!
(girls cheering)
And it begins. (sighs)
What the actual fuck?
You see the big fish tank in the middle for you.
Oh, my God!
It's so good!
Oi oi! Hey!
What the hell? This is so weird.
The new house is amazin'.
It's the perfect distraction
so that I don't have to speak to Gary.
Go in, go in. (gasps)
He's doin' it.
I think that's the deepest he's ever went.
He doesn't know how to take it.
It is wicked just everyone being back together,
but things are a bit awkward still between me and Charlotte.
So, I've just been talking to Gary--
Tell him he's punching above his weight, to go away.
Can't be safe. Are you really?
Yeah, I want him to think--
Don't ever want him to plan things like that.
Clearly Gary has some kind of agenda,
and I don't want to get involved
in his silly little games.
Three... two... one... Go!
God, not this again.
(gags and coughs)
We're all back in the house now,
let's fuckin' have it, yeah!
¶
We're back in Newcastle. It was mint last time,
and I can't wait to do it all over again.
Everyone's back in the house and it's mint.
(doorbell rings)
Go, Dan, go, go, go.
Go, Dan.
So Anna's our boss
and she's the one who dishes out the jobs
while we're staying in the Geordie Shore house,
and to be honest, all of them are fuckin' shit.
I've had to come up with a new business venture,
'cause you've all proved you're pretty shit
at everything else that I've gave you.
I was all right massagin'.
I literally haven't got a clue
what our jobs are gonna be.
I just hope it's not gonna be like last time
where we've got to go and massage people.
I've seen far too many wrinkly ball sacs and saggy tits.
The only thing that you guys are good at is partying.
Set up a new company:
Geordie Tours.
Specializes in hen and stag dos.
Bridesmaids.
And we're gonna show them how Geordies party.
That's it.
We've got to show hen and stag parties
how to have a good time?
Could this job get any easier?
When? Where?
Across Europe.
What's Europe? Europe?
Europe is a continent.
¶ Europe, Europe
Where in Europe? I like European cock.
You're going... to Amsterdam.
Yes! Yes!
Fuckin' Red Light District!
¶ Amsterdam
And it's Amsterdam?
I heard their cake selection is brilliant.
You're dealing with stags and hens
and I do not want to hear
that you have slept with any of the hens.
But she didn't say anything about the hens' mates.
Hashtag #loophole.
Enjoy getting married.
Amsterdam is a trial. Do you copy me?
To be fair, Anna has delivered.
She's sending us to Europe
to look after hen parties in Amsterdam.
You are representing my company.
I want you to do a good job this time, okay?
Get meself a little bit of Dutch fluff
and make her yodel, like ¶ Yodel-eh-yoo-hoo ¶ Yodel-eh-yoo-hoo
Tomorrow morning you need to be up very, very early
and you need to get yourselves to the airport.
Goodbye. See ya.
What is gonna happen when Amsterdamish people mix with the Geordies?
I went to the Sex Museum in Amsterdam and it was weird.
There was, like, people wankin' off goats and stuff on pictures.
It was like the buckin' squad took to another level.
Baa!
You know what happens in Amsterdam...
What happens on tour stays on tour!
It means a whole lot of chaos...
Start now, ladies.
Geordie Tours. Geordie Tours.
(cheering)
¶ Europe, Europe
Amsterdam is not gonna know what's hit it.
Vicky's fanny very small.
Mine's gaping wide for all the cock.
Me and Holly have been doing our pelvic floor exercises
to tighten up our walls of our vaginas.
So you think you're so wide
you might be a giant black hole?
I'm doing the pelvic floor exercises.
I'm not doing the pelvic floor exercises.
Is it the Bermuda Triangle, Charlotte?
Get back, I've got me legs crossed.
I'm so pleased, Charlotte,
otherwise I'd be sucked right in that hole.
Charlotte's giving it the big 'un about
how she's ready for loads of cock.
That's not Charlotte, and I can't help but think
this may all be for Gary's benefit.
¶
Guys all ready? Aye.
I am fluent in Amsterdamish.
Guten tag, which is "hello".
I can't wait to get to Amsterdam,
even if I don't even know where it is.
Olé, bonjour,
lass wiedersehen.
in my fanny hole, come, come, come.
¶
¶ We're going to Amsterdam ¶
¶ We're going to Amsterdam
Amsterdam! Sex.
Dildos.
Ich bin scheizenhuse.
"I am a shithouse".
A late horse.
Amsterdam, we have landed.
¶
Newcastle and Amsterdam,
they're both very similar.
They're both easy to get about.
The only difference with Amsterdam
is you've got to pay for it.
Amsterdam is all about sex,
so Geordie Shore and Amsterdam together
is all about hardcore double sex.
I'm buzzing to see what the hotel's like.
I'm hoping it's got, like, a sauna,
steam room, pool, the work.
We can't be staying on that?
What?!
We end up on a bastard river
floating on a fucking boat.
I can't even swim.
I get seasick.
It's like a house!
So how the hell am I supposed to live on a boat?
My name's not Rosie, I don't have a boyfriend called Jim,
and I don't live on a fuckin' river.
I couldn't care less if I'm on a boat.
I could be on a banana boat, a pedaler--
the same damage will be done.
Everyone's sitting around being boring, as per usual.
So me and Gaz are off out
to smash the Red Light District.
Are the boys gonna go out to the Red Light District?
Probably.
They'll do anything for sex.
They'll even pay for it.
That doesn't bother me, 'cause Gary can shag
as many rank Dutch birds as he wants.
¶
Me and Gaz are like Dora the fuckin' Explorer
walking around the Red Light District.
Me and Scott spot a novelty condom shop.
They've got fucking big ones, small ones,
glow-in-the-dark ones, animal ones, fetish ones--
no wonder they're sex mad.
Do you know your size?
I kind of get around the top.
Yeah? How about that one?
Like I'm like-- (groans)
I hope I can find a big enough one
to fit over my fuckin' pipe.
This is standard, this is bigger.
That's what I need, I need--
stock one of them bad boys.
I want a condom that just says "Gazzed".
"Gazzed"?
Like "you've been Gazzed".
I speak English but I don't understand you.
Don't be a fool, wrap your tool.
It's wicked, that shop, like.
Put one on, then.
If it gets hard, then.
No, Danny, you're gonna snap it.
Now what do you do with condoms?
You put them on your head.
Stop! Stop it!
It's gonna--
Fair play to the kid, though.
He's not gonna get to use it on his cock.
We're getting ready to hit Amsterdam hard!
¶
It's our first night in Amsterdam,
so I can't wait to get out and smash it.
(overlapping cheers)
¶ Smashing in the 'dam, smashing in the 'dam ¶
We're in Amsterdam,
all we want to do is party.
¶
We get to the club, music's bouncin',
everyone's drinking, everyone's happy, it's class.
This is what I expected Amsterdam to be like.
Gaz and Scott go off to reunite the "buck squad".
My tongue is already balls deep
down some wicked brunette bird's throat.
I'm doing what I do best: shockin' birds.
We're lookin' good, and tonight is about pullin'.
I've seen nothing like it.
All the boys have greasy throwbacks.
We'll just do CLS.
CLS: consequential lowering of standards.
¶
Gary likes to dish it out but he cannot take it.
Thank fuck I haven't consequentially
lowered my standards with Gary tonight.
He can fuck off.
¶
Charlotte is doing me head in,
so I'm gonna go and see what else
Amsterdam has to offer.
I don't give a shit if Gary wants to pull.
I am so in control of this situation.
He can do what he wants.
¶
So I'm so drunk and I just can't pull,
and at this point what usually happens
is I just pass out.
I've been keeping me distance from Holly.
I just can't be bothered with it anymore.
All I want to do is have a good time with the lads.
¶
Holly's mortal again. Shock.
The buck squad's back in the fuckin' game,
but, shock, Dan's letting the single side down.
First night in Amsterdam and the buck squad haven't banged?
I guess the two girls that we're looking for didn't come out ug and ly.
The cock capturers might have failed tonight,
but I have succeeded in giving Gary
the knock back he deserves.
Get in!
(screaming)
(Ricci) That was-- that was actually
the best thing I've ever seen in me life.
We're on a Geordie tour of Amsterdam
and it's fuckin' mint.
Last night we absolutely smashed Amsterdam
and I'm ready to do it all over again tonight like a pure hero.
It's Vicky's birthday today.
I want to spoil her and I want to see a smile
on that girl's face all day,
and I want everyone to be involved with it.
Birthdays in the Geordie Shore house,
it's another excuse to get shitfaced.
(cheering)
I've got a really great feeling about today.
I'm surrounded by all me friends,
me fantastic fiancé.
Whoo!
Guys, I need everyone in the living room, please.
So this blonde bird walks past us.
I'm thinkin', "Eh?"
I go, "Lads, she's gonna tell us something."
I'm just here on Anna's behalf,
so I need you all here, quickly, please.
I was starting to think that they'd forgot about work
and we were just allowed to go out to party and get pissed.
Her name's Sam and she's apparently Anna's friend.
She obviously can't be here,
so I'm gonna be her representative
whilst you're here.
We've got a stag group that's arrived this morning.
So today I need Holly and Charlotte ready
in your uniforms; you can go and show the guys a good time.
¶ Dance, dance, dance, dance! ¶
And I cannae think of two better girls
to show a bunch of cock how a party is done.
¶
Mine and Holly's job today is that we're on a massive bike
with loads of pedals and a beer pump.
Hi, lads! (Holly) Hi!
Come on, get on the bike and get your feet on the pedals!
All the stags sit around it
and have to pedal the fastest for us to move
and there's this man steering it.
We don't even know who he is,
but he just sits there and joins in on the craic.
Want a good head?
Everyone likes a good bit of head.
Me and Holly are drinking the beer
that we don't even like.
¶ Down it, down it, down it, down it ¶
¶ Down it, go, go, down it ¶
Today it's me birthday.
I'm gonna see the sights of Amsterdam,
see what it has to offer.
Amsterdam is known for its radge foods,
so I'm gonna take the squad
and make them try some vile things.
What is it? Herring.
Herring? Aye.
So is herring a fish or a bird?
Fish. It's a fish?
I thought it was a bird?
I thought it was a bird.
It smells like Charlotte's vagina.
It's fuckin' disgustin'.
Deep throat that herring.
Oh, ohh!
(laughing)
It's wicked. It's wicked?
So I think I'm gonna be sick
but I bypass it, 'cause I'm fuckin' brick.
Neet!
Get me out of this place.
I want to get with the girls
and get pissed on a fuckin' bike.
(cheering)
¶ And let's get down on the cock ¶
¶ Let's get low on the cock
¶ Let's get down, let's get low ¶
¶ Let's get down on the cock
¶ It might be a big cock, it might be a small cock ¶
Don't get me wrong: these lads might not have been anything to look at,
but they did have good banger.
¶ It might be a big cock, it might be a small cock ¶
¶ It might be a round cock but any cock's good ¶
¶ But it's cock, cock, cock
What cock?
I think Sam will be really happy
with what we've done today.
We showed them a good time and we've got them all pissed,
and that's basically what she asked us to do.
¶ Party, party, party, party, party ¶
I'm a bit worried about the Charlotte and Gary situation,
and I know deep down it's none of me business
but I can't help being protective over her.
So you're just gonna keep it casual?
Only friends--
Gaz and Charlotte aren't the Geordie Shore fairy tale.
Rapunzel doesn't hoy down her hair extensions,
the prince climbs up, gives her a kiss
and then fucks off, has a threesome,
and leaves here with nothing but an STI
and a fuckin' broken heart.
That is not what happens.
If it's gonna go as far as seeing Charlotte again,
I'd just be seeing Charlotte.
Just be careful 'cause--
you know how much she feels about you.
That's why I wouldn't go so far as thinking that.
Do I go off with the boys and go on a rampage
and bang as many birds as possible,
or do I chill with Charlotte, get less grief,
and just bang her and have a nice, easy life?
I just don't know what to do.
If Gaz and Charlotte got together,
that would just leave me.
I would be a one-man army.
I'd be like the fuckin' Jean-Claude Van Damme-age of pullin'.
(chuckling)
Whoa!
Happy birthday.
It's Vicky's birthday,
and the flowers are just a start
of the surprises that I've got in store for all day.
We're gonna shoot.
Where are we going? You'll find out.
See youse later.
One of the things that pisses me off most about Amsterdam
is all the fuckin' bells on bikes.
You like this bike here?
Thought we'd go for a little bike ride.
So imagine my surprise when Ricci announces
for my birthday he's gonna take me
on a tandem bike ride.
Oh, my God!
You fuckin' ball bag.
(both scream)
The look on her face is quite funny,
but I know this is going to be quite a laugh.
Fuckin' Tweedledum, Tweedledee here.
Tweedledum, Tweedletwat.
Look out! What--
We're not from Amsterdam!
This is so hard.
Look out! (bell ringing)
I've noticed it's getting more and more awkward with me and James.
I'm just completely getting pied in the fuckin' face
whenever I try and do anything,
and it's frustrating me so much
that I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna fuckin' hit him in the face or burst into tears.
I do eventually want to get back
to being friends with Holly,
but for the minute I just want to keep that space
and hopefully there'll be nothing else.
Tonight's me birthday night out,
and we're all getting ready, we're all dead excited.
And then the phone goes.
It's Sam, the bearer of bad news as per usual.
(Sam) I've got a big group tonight
and so I need you and Scott
to come and help me do a guided bar crawl.
Me and Gaz have got to go and guide a bar crawl.
It's, um, it's Vicky's birthday
and we've got to go.
You've gonna have to work tonight, unfortunately.
Gary and Scott are not gonna be that much of a miss
at Vicky's birthday meal
because I doubt the topic of conversation
is gonna be about buckin' birds.
¶
I hope it's full of young birds.
Apparently Amsterdam is famous for tulips,
so I'm gonna deflower the whole fuckin' country.
You're not here to have a good time.
You're here to make sure that other people have a good time.
No flirtin' as well.
Sam says "No flirtin'."
You've got more chance of Hugh Hefner
handing me the mansion keys than that ever happenin'.
No drinking. What? Come on!
No drinking, no drinking.
Is she radge?
I'm definitely getting pissed, me.
I'm just gonna have to be a pure sniper with the drinks.
Go, go, go, go!
Ohh, we've got to go work.
Let's get fuckin' smashed.
¶
Ten blondes, a couple of brunettes, all up for it.
That's not work, that's fuckin' heaven.
This is just gonna be an excuse to get pissed and craic on.
(cheering)
So the easiest way to pull a girl on this planet
is the ice cube game.
All you need is one ice cube and about ten girls.
Pass it to me, pass it to me.
You pass it to the next one, you get it off her,
you're neckin' on with six girls
and you're playing a "game".
It's also a mint excuse to watch other girls neck on.
Works in every country.
We're all planning on hitting Amsterdam hard
like only a bunch of Geordies can.
¶
The club's gonna be as good as last night.
I should hope so, it's a Friday.
Last night was good but there was no boys.
Uh, not one.
¶
To be honest, I'd been that focused on banging a Dutch bird
I forgot we're here to work. Whoops.
We're gonna go for a Geordie Shore record: a six-way kiss.
(overlapping clamor)
Hot, but can't actually get all our heads in,
so I'm just gonna neck on with them all one by one.
This job could not get any better.
I think it was actually made for me and Gaz.
To be fair that was not a bad shift,
and if Sam wants I'll happily put my name down for overtime.
¶
It's a shame I've got to go meet the others
or otherwise all those birds
will be coming back to the boat with me.
¶
Me and you just went off the rails there.
I think we necked on with about ten birds each.
Sam should be impressed with the work me and Gaz did tonight.
I won't be surprised if she asks us to work again.
¶
Tonight it's Vicky's birthday and we're gonna go all out.
It's time to celebrate in Amsterdam!
¶
Gary's turned up, and I don't give a shit.
I'm just gonna have a laugh with the girls and craic on.
I walk in the club, see Charlotte,
and for once I'm gonna go and sit down,
have a drink with her and just take a different approach.
Usually Charlotte is chasing Gary,
but for once he's all over her like a fanny rash.
Wingman down.
What the fuck? Is he going soft on us?
For once I feel like the ball
may be in my court, and I am in control.
And I'm telling Gary that I don't have feelings for him like I used to,
so if he wants to pull it's not gonna be awkward.
Gary doesn't know how to take it.
I can see it in his face.
That's because I am so independent.
If he wants to get wifed in, then he can get wifed in.
That's not gonna stop me.
I'm on the dance floor hoying me wang around.
What the fuck has happened to Charlotte?
Is this even the same person?
¶
For fuck's sake Holly keeps shooting us daggers.
What the fuck does she want?
At the minute I'm just feeling absolutely shit
about the whole James situation
because he's just completely ignoring me.
I just want to keep that space between her.
I don't want any dramas.
¶
James has point blank ignored Holly.
It is killing her.
I think it must be
the harshest thing I've ever known him do.
¶
Amsterdam is buzzing.
We're living on a boat and we're having a mint time.
We're having a radge time in Amsterdam.
I've always wanted to come to Germany.
She's noticed now that James is avoiding her at all costs.
Everybody's noticing that there's an atmosphere between me and James.
There's tension that you could slice with a knife
and it's frustrating me so much
that I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I can understand that, though.
You can understand it, right?
Yeah, because he's like...
He doesn't want to hurt--
He just wants to have his girlfriend.
But at the same time,
the amount he's hurting Holly is really bad.
¶
So all you ever see in Amsterdam is dust this, buck that,
so what else there to do
but go to a fuckin' sex museum.
The Sex Museum, I'm looking forward
to see where my ashes are going to be scattered.
This will be like your house when you roll the Gaz on it.
(Charlotte) Sex machine?
(Holly) Oh, it tells you about your sex life.
So there's a sex machine and you put your palm on it
and it's supposed to tell you what your sex life is like.
"Concentrate more on foreplay."
(laughter)
You just dive in, you swan dive.
That machine's definitely full of shit.
I'm not doing that 'cause I know for a fact
that if I do the fuckin' thing will blow up.
How much are you, Dan?
It's basically statues, what me mom has
on our kitchen table, what we do.
I was hoping to see a little bit of porn.
James is just being a complete prick
and he's still ignoring me.
I hope the Sex Museum isn't giving Holly any ideas,
'cause the only girl I want to get erotic with
is me girlfriend Kate.
Me and the girls are leaving the lads.
It's time to have some girly time
and catch up on all the gossip.
I'm talking to the girls about the situation between me and James
because I feel like I've lost me best friend.
He's making everyone feel uncomfortable in this house.
It's not nice that you would have to lose a friend.
I think James is being a massive dickhead.
Let's leave all of this emotion behind in Amsterdam, leave it on the boat.
It'll get washed away when the Titanic sinks.
It's our last night in Amsterdam
and we're gonna tear it a new one.
But James has got a face like a smacked arse.
James, you coming out?
Nah, not tonight.
You're not gonna get ready?
Nah, I'm just gonna have a chill one tonight.
I'm just gonna stop in.
James is full of shit.
The only reason why he's not coming out
is so he can avoid Holly again.
¶ Let's get down, let's get low ¶
¶ Let's get down on the cock, cock, cocks ¶
¶ It might be a round cock
¶ But any cock's good when it's cock, cock, cock ¶
(groans)
It's our last night in Amsterdam
so we're going out to celebrate.
What is that? It's paper?
I thought it was knickers.
I thought you couldn't knickers.
I didn't know it was actual paper.
But I can't wear any knickers
'cause I've got VPL.
She's made knickers.
Out of what? Paper.
Paper knickers is the best idea I have ever had.
I am a genius.
It's our last night out in Amsterdam,
so it's time to head out and do some serious damage.
¶
Look out, look out!
It's completely pathetic
that James doesn't come out on our last night.
But it does mean that I can just go out
have a good time and just be meself.
James isn't coming out tonight, but who gives a fuck?
The only thing he does well is makes us look good.
James isn't just pie-ing Holly by not coming out the last night,
he's pie-ing everyone.
¶
Tonight we are going to commandeer all the Dutch cock.
I can't believe that I am slut-dropping a man
who is three times my age.
And you know what happens to paper when it gets wet.
And me paper pants have come apart.
It looks like I've got a hanging gammon.
Once again Charlotte is commando
with her flaps out.
Luckily Holly brought a spare pair of knickers out
because she's got thrush,
and in case you wanted to pull she'd have to change them.
They're on, they're on!
Yeah!
We've had a fuckin' boss last night out.
¶
And this radge Dutch kid
starts going akka, pipin' off his saxophone on the stage.
I thought Amsterdam was supposed to be about live sex shows,
not live sax shows.
¶
Fuck this. It's time to get back to the pirate ship.
Okay, the last night.
¶
It's been a great last night in Amsterdam.
To the Toon, to the Toon.
¶ Down it, down it
I think to meself, "Let's have loads of drinks to celebrate,"
and I'm mortal.
And Gary really, really wants us to come and cuddle for five minutes.
He can't stop asking us and I'm kind of thinkin'
the rules have reversed here.
You want me and I don't want you.
Me and Holly take ourselves off to bed.
What the hell?
So Gary's come in the room
where me and Holly are lying together.
So I go and cuddle him
and there's nothing wrong with that.
I've been independent,
I've got where I wanted with Gary,
I've put him in his place.
I've told him I don't have feelings for him anymore.
We won't be having sex.
(moans)
And then all of a sudden I want to shag him.
Charlotte's bouncing on top of us
screaming in fuckin' Holly's ear.
All of a sudden I start hearing these noises...
(moaning)
...and I'm wondering, am I awake now?
(panting) "Oh, yeah,"
in this crazy American accent.
(moaning) At first I'm thinking,
"Why the fuck is she moaning in American?"
And secondly I'm thinking "Why the fuck are they having sex
right next to me in the bed?" They've taken it too far this time.
What the fuck is going on with me and Gary?
This is so weird.
I wonder if it changes when I get back to Newcastle.
¶