We are back!
I need you to go and housesit for me...
..in Mexico.
(cheering)
We're gonna have a fucking mint time.
I've got a new lass, I'm in love.
Quick we kiss.
It's time to go international
and shock the shit out of them as well.
You're not just here to party.
You're here to work.
We have a new boss, Cancun Chris.
Oh my God.
I am the happiest girl in the world.
(screaming)
How am I supposed to bang him if he's only got one leg?
Hi, Andy.
Oh my good God!
That's me girl, Charlotte.
Tache on.
Joel keeps forgetting he's got a girlfriend.
He said that they're like, on and off and he's like,
"I don't even know where she is."
Why don't you just get it through your stupid head
that I am the only girl you need?
Goodnight, Gary. Goodnight, Charlotte
There are fingers entering my knickers.
It turns out, topping and tailing
is the perfect position for fingers to touch the vagina.
¶
I am a Geordie girl with a VIP edge.
My biggest fear is getting wrinkles.
I've got a banging body and the banter to match.
I should have a degree in pulling women.
I would never kiss anyone without a six-pack.
The hardest graft I've ever done is doing me hair.
I could talk the back legs off a donkey.
Got the looks, got the charm, it just works.
I'm fit, I'm flirty, and I've got double Fs.
"Geordie Shore", whey aye!
So Gary tried it on with me last night and I pied him.
And then I tried it on with Gary this morning and he's pied me.
There's literally so much pie, I feel like I'm in a bakery.
I woke up, it was me birthday.
I know Charlotte wants to give us a birthday present
and try and bang us,
but not happening 'cause I don't want any drama on me birthday.
(cheering)
Happy birthday, Gaz, happy birthday.
(all) Eight, nine, 10!
Smash it!
We know he loves smashing,
so let's see how he gets on with this.
(Vicky) You call that 24 years of smashing?
(all) Yay!
You fucking weirdo.
Thank you.
Get it, get it, get it!
(cheering)
Think that's a big sexual frustrations there, Charlotte?
Well, it was good, innit?
I'm on wheels, spinning on the condoms.
Gonna take him to a different little beach, something exotic.
It's basically going to be the calm before the storm.
See you later.
Obviously I can't go because of me leg.
It's starting to get us down when I see everyone going out
and I'm just left in the house in me wheelchair.
(horn honks)
Mommy and Daddy are left in the house.
So me and Joel decide that we are feeling a little bit horny.
And the only way Mommy and Daddy can get rid of the frustration
is to have a little bit of nookie in the pool.
I am having sex in a pool with me boyfriend.
And we made a splash.
Literally.
¶
Gary and Charlotte are at the beach, flirting.
But you know what it is,
it's actually standard procedure for them.
(all laughing)
Gary, I tried to make it up to you this morning
by giving you sex.
But you didn't want it, so now it's your own fault.
You're not getting anything.
Charlotte was so frustrated.
She's wanting it so bad.
Might go in the sea and get really wet.
To actually resist her is so hard
because I do want to bang her.
I'm just scared about the consequences.
All right then, we'll all go.
Smash it.
Hopefully smash a bird.
Get smashed by Charlotte.
I'm going to get Gary back.
I'm going to shag someone else on his birthday.
That someone else is going to be Andy.
Take that, Gary, you skinny prick.
Ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha.
Just do it.
Stop being a little pansy and ring him.
Charlotte's met this boy,
and she wants to invite him out tonight.
But she hasn't got the balls to do it.
What am I saying?
"Hi, Andy, it's Charlotte from... Newcastle?"
Newcastle.
I'm so scared.
I don't think I can do it.
Tonight?
Yeah, sounds perfect.
Well done.
Yeah, definitely.
Time? 12?
Perfect. Bye.
Charlotte only seems to be able to speak to lads
through the medium of sex.
So this isn't going that well.
I'll ring him for you if you want.
I better write a script. Oh my God.
Thank fuck Becca's come to me rescue.
She's gonna wingwoman us and ring Andy for us.
I don't want to be here when you ring,
that's how embarrassed I am.
Hello, is that Andy? Hi, Andy.
Um, it's Charlotte's good friend Rebecca.
She's actually in the shower at the moment,
but she asked us to give you a call because basically,
she wants you to come out and meet her tonight
for a few drinks.
I'm hiding.
I can't even bear to listen to this.
What if he's saying no?
What if I'm getting pied again?
He can't wait and he's bringing Colin.
It's brilliant news.
So why do I feel so bad?
It's Gary's birthday.
I'm feeling really nervous for tonight.
I've said that I'm going to meet Andy,
and I'm still feeling really guilty about it.
This could be really awkward.
¶
It's my birthday night, it's a massive night for me.
I want to look mint, fresh, and I want to fucking smash it.
(phone rings)
Big night tonight and I absolutely can't wait
to get out there.
I'm dolled up and the phone goes.
Yeah.
Why did I pick up the twatting phone?
I've got to go and pick up a package for Cancun Chris.
All right, okay, thanks, Chris.
Okay, take care.
Bye. You too.
So it's not just me going to collect this package.
It's Holly as well.
Holly, get a move on.
We both pissed him off the other day.
And I know that we're in his bad books.
Shit hole. Like, the whole fucking house.
Shit hole.
What the fuck's he going on about?
I'm dead confused.
Do you still think you'll be able to come out with us?
Fuck knows.
Holly, haway, man.
The sooner we get this done, the sooner we can get out.
Be there in a minute.
Fucking hurry up then.
(horn honking)
See you. See you later.
Quick, quick, quick.
Ah, you fucking stupid cactus!
Fuck!
(cheering)
Tonight's the night to put the comb-over back in action.
I'm going to pull meself a worldy.
Come with me, babes.
Finally the nighttime, I'm getting meself out.
I'm fucking buzzing.
Tonight all I'm thinking about
is having a fucking mint time with everyone,
mint time with the lads and just enjoying meself.
It's my birthday, and I'm in fucking Cancun.
¶
Happy birthday!
Obviously I'm pissed off at fucking Charlotte.
She rang a lad to come out on my birthday.
I couldn't care if it was any other day of the year.
It's my birthday.
I wanted to spend it with everyone,
me joyful family.
I hate the way it's always on his terms.
He says when he wants girls there,
he says when it's family night.
It's always on his terms.
Well, tonight, it's not.
It's on mine.
Yeah!
Where the fuck is Holly and Vicky, man?
¶
The night is gonna be shit.
You never know, man.
Maybe we'll get it over with quick and get out.
We need to go and pick up this parcel.
Hopefully we'll be back in time,
having a mint night for Gary's birthday.
How far away is it?
20 minutes, 30 minutes?
Espanol.
Only Spanish, right.
Taxi driver doesn't speak English.
There's no information in the car.
And it's all just starting to dawn on this
that this is going to be absolute wank.
I feel like I am postal.
¶
I'm finally out, no more waving people goodbye.
Thank fuck.
¶
This could actually be my night.
My night to shine.
Fuck Gary's birthday, tonight is all about me.
And I know that soon, I'm going to be meeting Andy.
That's if he comes.
I hope he comes.
If he doesn't, that would be a bit embarrassing.
¶
Charlotte's lad from the beach walks in.
I don't know how this is going to go down
on Gaz's birthday, like.
I wouldn't be happy.
Andy's looking absolutely gorgeous.
He's the best looking boy in the club tonight.
It's fucking me at work again.
We need to go and pick up this parcel for Cancun Chris.
Hopefully we'll be back in time to still be able to join them,
having a mint night for Gary's birthday.
¶ The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round ¶
We sat there and an hour passes.
We're like, for fuck's sake.
Two hours pass.
I'm fucking bored, I want a drink.
Four hours pass.
Vick? What? What?
Finally the car stops.
And I look out, I expect to see something,
maybe it's Cancun Chris, maybe it's the package.
I don't know.
He's taking a piss.
What's going on?
Driver's in there having a fucking steady scran.
He's kicking back like a fucking king getting a full English
while I was sitting, sweating me tits off
in this fucking horrible van.
I don't fucking think so, mate.
I'm angry.
I'm not doing anything for anybody ever again.
We just don't have a fucking clue what to do next.
I'm so pissed off.
I was so looking forward to tonight.
It's the first night where we're all out together
and we can really enjoy ourselves.
I just hope I can get this over with
and done quick and get straight back to the party.
¶
I'm in love with his friend.
He's a fire fighter.
He's got muscley arms.
It's all getting a little bit sexually frustrated.
She's doing so well.
She's looking like a slag.
She's doing better than me at the minute.
¶ Can't wait to get you in my bed ¶
I need to take a leaf out of Becca's book.
I'm going to show him that I'm ready for the cock.
I'm moving his hands on me bum cheeks.
I have pulled myself a worldy!
Turn 'round, yeah, Char's with fucking Andy
or whatever his name is.
Andy's got a mate that Becca's getting with.
Me, I could give a flying fuck.
I want to pull a bird.
Put them to shame, I would.
Gary's making out that he's not bothered at all,
but I know deep down he will be a bit gutted.
I've crashed and burned and I'm so drunk.
Becca is too drunk.
She's gonna have to go home alone.
But my wingwoman days are over.
I've got more important things to concentrate on...
...and that's the cock.
Hello?
Get back to the house, Vicky's still not fucking here.
Hello!
Don't know where she is,
what she's doing or when she's coming back.
At all.
I think listening to Ricci bang on about Vicky
is more painful than me fucking leg.
I want to know where my fucking bird is now.
Two kebabs. Two kebabs, mate.
After a mint night out,
what's better for Geordie boys than having a nice kebab?
You generally have got no interest in birds at all.
Chloe's in me mind again, and I'm missing her loads.
I've come out here knowing I'd miss her,
but I didn't know I'd miss her as much as I am.
She's got everything.
Banter, personality, everything.
Legs, ass, tits, fucking got everything, man.
I think coming in here,
people didn't realize how serious me and Chloe are.
It's not just a little fling or anything like that.
It is a serious relationship.
I reckon in six months' time, you'll be engaged.
¶
I'm a little bit too drunk.
I need to pull this back.
If I don't pull this back soon enough,
I'm going to be passing out on the cock.
I'm trying to make him think I'm not easy or that I'm slag,
I'm just playing it cool.
Oy, oy!
Get back to the villa and some random Australians
are fucking flying about.
It's my birthday, fuck off.
What the fuck is he doing?
At this moment in time, I wish Joel wasn't here.
I'm feeling horny.
I'm feeling ready for the cock!
(moaning)
It's so much fun and it's so great
until I look and Becca's face is right on the mattress
and she's slobbering on herself.
And I didn't even know she was in the room.
(moaning)
Definitely had sex with him.
Last night, I slept with someone else other than Gary.
Yes.
I don't remember him leaving and writing on me leg.
There's this big massive paragraph
and it's from Andy telling us how much of a good fuck I was.
You did so good with Colin.
Yeah!
I think me and Charlotte are pretty proud of ourselves
at the moment, like, I've pulled a lad.
Charlotte has pulled the I only have sex with Gary spell.
I don't care if Gary's bothered that I pulled someone
on his birthday because I've had an amazing night,
and I've got a romantic note on me leg.
Gary can go suck eggs.
I don't want to let anyone see that I'm upset.
I'm so embarrassed,
and I still don't trust Joel.
Oh my God!
Look! Stop!
I've just seen it!
Thanks again!
(laughing)
I've never been so good at sex
that someone's had to write on me thigh.
And then thank us again on me leg.
Fuck.
I'm like a porn star.
(laughing)
What the fuck is that smell?
That's us.
I wake up in a pool of me own sweat
after one of the most awkward and uncomfortable night's sleeps
I've ever had.
Our driver is not here.
I don't know where the fuck he is.
No sign of Cancun Chris' package.
I don't fucking want to see Cancun Chris' package.
I'm waking up.
Sweat is pouring off me.
The battery went dead couple of hours ago.
The air con's off.
I'm sweating me tits off.
We leave the air con on
for too long without the car running,
what happens?
The fucking battery dies.
I am fucking dripping.
Me tits are actually water falling with sweat.
This trip has been a fucking disaster from start to finish.
Cancun Chris is a fucking Cancun cock.
And I no longer care about his tiny little package.
I'm so pissed off that we weren't out last night.
My basic human rights have been completely violated
by this trip.
I have no food, I have no water.
I'm going to swap me face and me hair out,
and then I'm going to get drunk.
Fancy us? Game.
Hoist me bag.
I look a bit like a Gypsy.
Oh God, that's the last of your worries.
We don't want to ask for directions,
we don't want to find out where we are,
we don't want to find out where the driver is.
We just want to get pissed.
I woke up the night after me birthday and I'm hanging.
But Charlotte comes straight over.
So I know for a fact she's feeling guilty.
Yes, she has banged someone. Who gives a fuck?
She'll still come running back and I know she will.
He left a message on me leg and it said,
"Thanks for a great night. Call me."
I'm not used to having sex with a big, strong man.
I'm so over little skinny boys.
#Gary.
I know I can have Gary whenever I want.
He's under my thumb.
¶
Shit. I'm so fucking pissed.
It's still daytime?
I was expecting it to at least be dusk.
Me and Holly are mortal.
We are absolutely fucking hammered.
He-- Hey! Hey.
Where's the va-- Here's the van man.
Eventually walk back 'round to the van and the driver's there.
(speaking Spanish)
No, it's totally gone.
And he's trying to fix the battery that have broke.
'Cause I managed to drain the fucking battery
when I left the air con on.
So I feel a little bit guilty because it is my fault.
(engine clicks)
That does not sound like a good noise.
Broke.
Get that fucking battery started right now, please.
Get it started.
Get that? Go on. Now.
Tell me this is a fucking joke.
Fucking no luck. Libbity.
Absolute libbity.
I've never been so mad in me whole fucking life.
I'm done.
Volcano Vicky has finally fucking blown.
So don't push me, I'm fucking off.
Cancun.
I need a couple days on me own.
I just need to calm down and then I'll be back.
And then I'll be fine.
¶
You don't even know how to cook it, do you?
Basically, I'm cooking,
he'll stand over and watch
and be the annoying twat that he is.
You don't want me to put these on the table?
They're dead.
I wake up and Vicky's not there anymore.
Where the fuck's this parcel?
We still haven't got the package.
(speaks in Spanish)
Do you have the parcel? Oh.
Thank God.
This right now is possibly the worst thing
that's ever happened to me in my entire life ever.
¶
Food's ready, everyone!
Who's hungry?
Me. Me!
Thanks, Sophie. Thanks, Joel.
Thank you.
The lasagna's looking a bit brown.
I'm wondering if Joel's got
a bit of his fake tan mixed in by mistake.
I've never fucking cooked a meal for everyone in the house.
So for Joel to come in and do it,
he is gaining a little bit of respect.
I'm confused about how Joel's acting.
I want to believe that he's changed,
but there's something inside telling us
that it's all a massive act.
That's nice so far. Is it?
For the first time since Joel's arrived
the atmosphere's actually picking up.
People are smiling.
That was lovely, thanks very much.
Thank Joel.
Thanks, Joel. Thanks, Joel.
Why don't we get ready for tonight?
Oy, you've dropped me crutches.
You've dropped me crutches on the floor.
(mutters)
¶
Holly gets back, looking fucking ridiculous.
She looks like me nana.
Where the fuck have you been?
She went to pick this package up and she's been gone a day.
My first instinct is to run out the door
and see if she's in the taxi.
Where's Vicky at?
I don't know, babe, I really don't know.
I woke up being drunk, right? And she'd gone.
Haway, Ricci, man.
It's been 24 hours.
Poor Vicky's fanny must be killing.
You keep pounding her every fucking 10 minutes.
I don't know, she's not there. I'm sorry.
Vicky's my girlfriend, I love her.
So my first instinct is to run out the door,
jump in a taxi and try and find her.
Should we open the package?
Finally it's time to open this package.
For fuck's sake!
All the drama over two hammocks?
He has sent me eight hours away.
Cancun Chris is a fucking wanker.
He can actually kiss my ass
if he thinks I'm doing anything for him again.
What the fuck is it? Fucking fishing nets.
¶
Vicky and Ricci are still not back.
We're all going to Cabana Beach club.
Come on.
¶
We're surrounded by these hot American spring break people.
I'm happy to do the taching on.
I think Charlotte's game
to get her fanny out for a few of them mind.
Yeah!
Watch out for the cock.
Where's that cock. Here, cocky, cocky, cocky.
Oh, shit, she's winning!
One for one.
I'm away and I'm just dragging them in and I'm kissing them
and I'm pushing them aside.
I should have a degree and master's and Ph.D.
and I've just graduated
and I've went straight into a job.
Everyone wants employees to pull all the men.
I'm on a roll and I'm pulling loads of lads
and I'm ready to pull some more.
Shit.
Andy's just turned up and he's looking really nice.
I hope he hasn't seen us pull all the lads
'cause, I mean, I don't want him to not kiss us anymore.
Hi! Hi.
Thank fuck the Aussie's back.
Again, I've got a free night and a free pass with no drama.
I like the no top look.
Yeah, I know, I didn't expect to see you guys.
¶
Anything Charlotte can do, I can do better.
Bring my two birds.
Hopefully some of them feelings she got for me
are going over there.
What better way to end the night than a three-way kiss?
Nice.
¶
Find Joel up to his old tricks again.
Talking to other girls.
Hi, Joel! Remember me?
That's my boyfriend.
Oh, hey.
Are you having a conversation?
Oh yeah, we were just talking.
All right.
He's hurt me in the past.
And I still haven't got trust in him.
I'm sick to death of all these couples.
This is "Geordie Shore." What the fuck's going on?
It's the first time Charlotte's ever banged a random lad
on "Geordie Shore".
Yes, it's one-nil Charlotte,
but let's see who can pull 'em back.
The girls have said I've got 20 minutes in the bedroom.
Because I'm so good at all the sex,
I know that I'll probably be done before that.
Because my bouncing skills
can make a boy cum in less than five minutes.
¶
(moaning)
¶
Woke up this morning,
I'm not sure if Vicky and Ricci are coming back.
I'm really missing Chloe, she's on me mind.
So I go to the phone.
Hello? Hello.
Can you hear us? Uh-huh.
Do you want to come out to Cancun?
Baby, I'm so excited to say yes.
Boom. She can.
Can't wait to see her.
I love you, bye. Love you too.
I just hope she can come in time for me birthday.
¶
I'm having a holiday romance, but he's got to leave today.
Andy is so romantic.
I'm lucky to get a hello off Gary in the morning.
I wake up to find me boyfriend in the mirror using my bronzer.
He's not gay because he fucks me hard.
I know.
Two nil to me.
Surf's up.
We're going surfing.
I'm so fucking excited, man.
I'm gonna ride them waves like a buffalo getting chewed up
by a fucking lion.
¶
Here's how I've got to stand?
Yeah. Really?
I know how to ride surfboards.
It's just the same as riding cock.
And I'm really good at that.
One, two, three, four, get up.
(laughing)
¶
Obviously, I can't go with me leg.
Holly's staying in, looking after us.
Florence fucking Nightingale is in charge of this patient.
It would be rude not to keep the patient entertained.
I might be free between three and four.
AM?
Yeah. Okay.
¶
I was minting after fucking what we been going through.
On and off, fucking shagging, not shagging,
friends, not friends.
I mean, it's nice we're still going night out.
And fucking you can just get with a lad.
I can kiss a few girls.
Come home, everybody's happy.
Yep, it's brilliant.
I'm saying I've rather have this
than we're not speaking at all.
Yes. I said fantastic.
I get it, Gary, you're not bothered.
You don't care.
Well, I don't give a fucking shit either.
I'm so angry at you.
I was on Cloud Nine about Andy,
and now I'm just back on the normal ground next to you,
you skinny prick.
I just hate all the drama
and fucking people shouting at us in the morning.
He's not bothered, he's not bothered.
He doesn't care, he's not bothered.
I was necking on two birds.
I said I couldn't give a flying fuck.
Oh, and big Andy's the perfect guy from Australia!
Fucking give a fuck.
Well, I'm not bothered that you're not bothered.
So why don't we just be not bothered together?
¶
(humming)
Oh, there you go.
Nurse Holly here,
she's straight offering us bedside assistance.
Cock a doodle doo.
It hasn't taken me as long as I thought to get James into bed.
It feels much better, Holly, thank you.
She's been a star,
so I thought now she deserves a little treat, doesn't she?
Be gentle. Okay.
Watch the leg.
The doctor says he couldn't walk,
but he said nothing about banging.
(mutters)
I do too.
(moaning)
Here I am in Mexico, lying in bed,
leg all strapped up and Holly bouncing on me cock.
Who'd have fucking thought of that?
I fucking deserve a little pat on the back for that, mate.
¶
We had sex.
She's what? She's banged him?
(snickering)
He's had sex?
Yeah, we did.
What the fuck?
She's actually had sex with James?
You aren't serious.
You banged Holly?
I knew it would happen.
It was just a matter of time.
She's got what she want out of James.
Thought I would reward her for her fucking hard work.
I'm never letting James tell me that
he's not banging Holly again.
I don't understand.
It's a mutual agreement? Yeah.
This is the ideal friends with benefits.
This is the joint bank account.
Does James have a big cock?
Does he?
Who's Holly kidding?
She's been taking cocks for as long as I've been walking.
It'd be the width of a wheel's mouth.
¶
Like, he in loves her, like.
So in love with her.
Oh, isn't he? Telling me the other night
that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.
It's been a lot better without Vicky and Ricci here.
It's been fucking lovely.
I'm missing them.
Are you?
They don't just kiss the proper get it,
be like they haven't seen each other in a million years.
Sometimes I do actually get a little bit embarrassed.
We're off to Señor Frog's.
Me and Charlotte aren't speaking, shock.
But that is not affecting my night.
I'm still gonna have a fucking mint time.
¶
Me leg's feeling much better.
I'm back out.
I'm back out in Cancun where I'm meant to be doing.
The worst thing that could happen would be for me and Holly
to become like Gaz and Charlotte.
That's not gonna happen.
I'm still not talking to Gary.
He's made us really angry,
so I'm going to have a good time with the girls
and not with Gary.
¶
(all) Arriba!
I know for a fact that James' and Holly's situation
will be like mine and Charlotte's,
but at the speed of light.
It'll get very bad very quick.
Holly's nuts.
¶
Down it!
Me and Charlotte don't need to be speaking
to act out sex positions.
On top, facing me. On top, reverse cowboy.
I know that we're going to win this competition
because if there's one thing me and Gary's good at it,
it's sex positions.
And lots of them.
And then I'll lick your bumhole.
All right.
If there's one thing me and Charlotte can do,
it's re-enact the Kama Sutra.
(man) One!
It's really hard to ignore someone
when they're bending you over in doggy style.
Two. Three.
The thrusts and the pulls and the grabs just so happen
to be making us feel a little bit wet and wide and horny.
Shit.
Give it right here.
Put your hands up.
Let's give up for the UK.
Shock, we win, I mean, come on.
I don't care if we're in Cancun or spring break,
England or France, I will win a sex position game.
¶
Me and Joel want a bit of private time alone,
so we head off into downtown Mexico for some food.
I miss Sophie though.
But I'm glad she's happy.
Jay, please, do you see a little bit of a change in Joel?
A little bit? I do.
I do.
I see a change in him, and I'm so happy about it.
¶
I think everyone in the house is starting to realize that
things are different now.
I really do.
Like, the last few days especially.
I'm starting to appreciate having Joel as a boyfriend
and having him here because I'm enjoying it.
I'm enjoying not having to watch him 24/7.
Right now, like, this is like real.
You know what I mean?
This is like, proper relationship, Joel.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, this is like, this feels like a proper relationship now.
¶
Oh, God, I can't believe it.
All the sex positions went to me head
and I can't think properly.
And for a second, I bloody fucking like him again
Get back to the house, straightaway there, Nurse Holly,
she's there to offer some bedside assistance.
I hope that by doing this hasn't fucked up the friendship
between me and Holly 'cause I enjoy, like,
how good we get on now.
It's good to have a nice working relationship with a patient.
I mean, I've got to do
as much as I possibly can for him.
And you can't say I don't take me job seriously.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, I'm not going to do anything.
I love sex more than anything
and to actually have to say no and push someone away,
especially Charlotte, it is fucking hard.
I've just been pied again.
For God's sake, I hate him.
¶ Everyone's here to party
¶ If you wanna go back, wanna go back ¶
¶ Everyone's here to party
¶ If you wanna to back, wanna go back ¶
¶ Everyone's here to party
¶ Let's party, party, you wanna go back ¶
¶ Let's party, party, wanna go back ¶
¶ Party, party, wanna go back ¶
¶ Let's party hard