¶
We are back in Newcastle,
back in our playground.
Let the party begin.
Hi!
It's a new boy!
(all) Hey, hey, hey, hey!
What the fuck?
She's got an attitude.
I tried to face it. I slapped her ass.
Really annoying, just like thrush.
Surprised, I never wanted us to work for her again.
To be honest, that's the best we done last time.
Does anybody know how to spray tan?
If you want that gash, you gotta spend that cash.
It's gonna be so hard for me to do this,
or move Charlotte up.
I'm not speaking with her, so...
I know that from Dan.
Ricci's face is in a right little strop.
Aah!
I think the drink might be stronger in Leeds.
This isn't the party that we were hoping for.
(shouting, screaming)
It won't happen again. Get out of this house.
You're the only person that I'll speak--
I'll speak with, and I feel like I can
be-- be myself in front of.
Right now, I don't want to stand up for her.
I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life.
This is exactly what happened to me.
¶
I am a Geordie Girl with a V.I.P. edge.
My biggest fear is getting wrinkles.
Got a bangin' body and the banter to match.
I should have a degree in pulling women.
I would never kiss anyone without a six-pack.
The hardest graft I've ever done is doing my hair.
I could talk the back legs off a donkey.
Got the looks, got the charm-- it just works.
I'm fit, I'm flirty, and I've got Double "F"s.
(all) "Geordie Shore," why aye, aye!
¶
(telephone ringing)
Ricci and Gaz have been kicked out by Anna,
all the girls are in Leeds,
so it's just me and Jay left.
The phone's going.
We know who it will be, and what it will be for.
It will be Anna, and she'll be wanting us at work.
(Anna) James, all, good morning.
I've got a job for you and Jay.
I need you up, dressed and ready, and out, immediately.
Really, yes.
I think you need to get yourself ready and do your job,
and no complaining.
We're sick of working.
We're absolutely knackered out.
All we're doing,
the last few days, is work, work, work.
¶
The last of 'em were at Leeds,
and we worked twice that day.
We basically done one of their jobs.
It's not fuckin' fair, man.
Me and James, at work yet again.
We can't wait for the others to come back
to spread the workload,
'cause we're fucking sick of it.
Ready for action? No.
Come on, guys.
I'm not takin' any of it.
What is-- what is actually happening in there?
You're just delivering the food.
It's a ladies' day.
Anna, how much of 'em there?
How about you get to leave your trousers on.
What, do I have to do it with my pants off as well?
You were serving hot buns,
and the whole thing was "buns and buns."
Topless horsin'. Fuckin' hell, Anna.
I'm starting to think you might like
me and Jay topless a little bit too much now.
There's putting private booths in the house next.
Look, it's perfect.
18th birthday, young ladies, pretty girls.
Ooh, the third table is sitting down.
No matter what she says, what she does,
I am not working today, end of.
Definite work, man. Fuck that.
Definitely not, though.
Who the fuck's this? Guys!
We've got 200 women who want to see you
with your tops off.
Fucking hell. Then she sends this
big drag queen out.
Can't you do it?
Come on, now. For me.
Do you know what? If you come--
if you come down the right way on the--
Come down? Come down where?
Where do you want us to come down to?
(laughter)
Fuckin' hell. Do you know what it is
to have scares from your actual life?
So, I'll send one of the birds out,
yous two will come in and do your job?
Yeah. Stay here. One minute.
She's about 7-foot tall,
fuckin' 16-foot wide.
Just looking, thinking,
"Please, don't. Just don't even talk with us."
I was absolutely petrified.
All I want to do is get the fuck out of here.
Where are you off to now?
¶
No, no, I don't want to go to work,
'cause all I want to do is just go out
and get absolutely mauled. I just want to party.
¶
I found Leeds actually really amusing.
I had a good time.
I like-- I can't even remember
a time when I didn't laugh.
People had quite a giggle.
I really had a good time.
I loved it, me.
I'm basically just sitting by myself,
I cannot be honest with anyone.
I feel like the outsider again.
I've never, ever felt so alone
and wanting to go home in all my life.
(laughter)
She's looking upset, just sitting by herself,
and I don't want anybody feeling like that.
You're fine, woman.
I'm sorry about last night.
Yeah?
'Cause what a fuckin' bunch of scumbags for--
for thought were doing the right thing.
It's obviously hard coming into a situation like this,
where yous have all got really strong bonds
with each other. Yeah.
And then, for me to not know anyone...
Yeah.
and no one really gives us a chance
to get to know them. I know.
Sometimes I forget
she is only an 18-year-old girl.
That's probably 'cause you came in giving it
big licks about how it was my match and that.
I forget, she's not my match.
I forget she's nothing but a silly little girl
who sometimes does need looking after.
So you want us to stop being who I am?
No, be who you are, mate.
But, not everything has to be such a big show.
I don't know why she thinks she can judge us.
She doesn't know us.
I've been myself the whole time I've been here.
¶
It's been a long girls' weekend,
and all I'm dying to do is get
my 'jamas on and get into bed.
(Charlotte) Whoa!
Them are nice lilies.
Imagine my fucking surprise when I walk through
my front door and I'm greeted by the Amazon rainforest.
I think Vicky should feel
kind of fucking happy.
Two boys chasing after her,
with bunches of flowers?
He's just clearly trying to buy you back.
The flowers just make us feel bad.
I'm not saying I'm trying to forget about him
and just move on, but this--
this just makes it so much harder.
¶
It's all right!
Guys!
Whose are them big flowers?
Who are they off?
Ready to go and show Leeds?
Off Dan? Are they?
I'm a bit confused at the fact why
lads would go and buy Vicky flowers.
Nice flowers, them, though.
Do they not know the real Vicky?
I fuckin' know her, and I certainly
wouldn't buy her flowers.
Come on, you go first.
We'll do it together.
Do you think we should do it together, though?
We're a double act.
We're all really bored,
and Sophie suggests stand-up comedy.
Hmm, I'll have a little dabble in that.
Dibble, dabble, dooblee doo-doo.
You look a bit tired, you do, love!
You can carry your shopping in them bags.
(laughter)
I could imagine me and Sophie
being quite good at that.
So, we're gonna try it out.
We're gonna go
to an open mic night in a comedy club.
Who best to practice with,
Vicky, the straight-talking fucker.
She'll tell us if we're shit or not.
(Sophie) Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Pubes.
Sophie and Charlotte are really funny girls.
Sophie is funny because she is so vulgar,
and Charlotte is funny because she is just
so goddamn thick.
Me and Sophie went to get
our bum holes cleaned the other day.
Yep! Yeah?
Sophie got put on her own table,
but the woman I put mine with
got a bit of a bum day there.
(all booing)
We're realizing that we're not that good.
We're actually quite pathetic.
Seriously, I think your biggest problem is hecklers.
Well--
People being like, "You're shit! Get off!"
I fucked your da!
Yeah, definitely. That's a classic.
Your ma's a whore!
Yeah, that's definitely gonna be good.
I licked your mum out!
Gonna call you shitty shit!
Don't need a high colonic irrigation.
There's no shit left.
I'm a bit worried about Charlotte's comebacks.
What?
On stage, at a comedy club,
it's a completely different kettle of fish.
I just really don't think they've fully grasped
what they're letting themselves in for.
You've got a lopped lip!
You have, too!
No. Oh, Charlotte.
Having sex with you is like throwing
a hot dog up North Umberland Street.
Oh, God.
I've heard that before.
¶
(all cheering)
Saturday night, where else to go?
Riverside.
No, are you not? I'm not, James.
Honestly, I feel like a new woman.
Gary's hard to leave.
I'm over him!
Did you just-- You don't even know--
Night time, for Geordies, means a party.
We're out on the piss.
We're out on the pull. Get in.
¶
If fuckin' Becca's got with another lad,
it doesn't bother us one bit.
So Jason keeps going on about
the boy that I've kissed in Leeds.
Well, there's only one reason--
he's jealous.
Yeah? (laughs)
Out in Riverside, we're having a good time.
We're dancing. The drinks are flowing.
And, I spot Dan across the bar.
Straight away, I get nervous
and I'm not sure how to react,
because I do feel guilty
and I do feel bad,
and I don't not care about him anymore.
He doesn't want to speak to us,
and he doesn't want to see us,
and he makes that abundantly clear.
But this has tore me apart.
He can't send us flowers through the day
and then not want to speak to us on the night time.
I just can't be, uh--
I can't be in close proximity to him
and not know what's going on.
I just want to leave.
Is this drama never gonna end?
I think Vicky still has a massive soft spot for Dan,
'cause it's still unfinished business.
So I think she's feeling a bit guilty.
¶
I've woken up this morning, and I feel rubbish.
I was on a mission to pull last night,
and I absolutely failed.
I've started to think about Gary again,
and I'm really missing him.
¶
Anna has decided to let me and Ricci
back in the house, but this is our last chance.
I'm not gonna fuck this up, though.
So I just want to get packed,
get everything done, and obviously
go out to the house and see everyone again.
I get to find out if James and Jay have been banging,
I get to find out whether the girls have been arguing.
But I knew for a fact,
my granddad and my mom wanted to have words with us.
I'm not very happy at what I've been hearing.
Far from it.
I'm bloody annoyed.
This is not a big deal. It was a little argument
that happened because we both had some drink
and that's literally it. It was nothing.
Instead of getting into an argument,
step back and keep out of it.
I expect my granddad to tell us, "Look,
"if you're gonna drink, chill out.
"If someone does have an argument with you,
just back down."
So it was good words of wisdom.
What's happening with Charlotte now in the house?
Oh, God knows.
Are you still-- Are you friends?
I could sit here and I would say
"I fucking hate Charlotte. She's a dickhead."
Three hours turn, I could be banging
the shit out of her.
I honestly couldn't-- I couldn't tell you.
Just remember, you could be on the other side
of this... stick someday.
One day.
You might want some girl, and she'll keep
pulling on you, "I'm not interested."
That'd be good. That's a change, though.
I like that. Aye.
Look, I know at t he end of the day--
I mean, everybody likes Charlotte.
I like Charlotte.
And I think you like Charlotte.
You know, you seem to get on really well.
Charlotte is-- to me, is a good friend
to have in there. Yes, she is.
And that is why I don't want to lose her as a friend.
I know, darlin', but I think she likes you
a lot more than what you think.
¶
Hey!
Fuckin' hell! Gaz.
So, me and Sophie are in bed.
I just hear a voice.
A voice from the distant past.
A voice from so long ago,
it seems like it was World War II.
It was Gary.
Hi!
There he is,
looking sexy.
Seeing Charlotte is awkward,
'cause, see, I don't know whether to hug her
and say, "Oh, hi. I missed you.
You all right?" Or, it's like,
"Are we speaking or are we not?"
I don't want to admit it,
but I feel like my stomach
has just fell out my asshole.
We've all missed them, especially the lad.
I'm fucking buzzing to see them.
So glad to have them back.
We need to start banging birds,
doing what we do best, and I'm gonna make
fucking sure it happens.
If Gary's back,
Ricci best be coming back fucking soon.
¶
What's the matter?
Nothing. I'm tired.
What? I'm tired.
All that banging you've been doing.
No. What?
No.
It's like, what's happening? Are we speaking?
Are you okay? Have you missed us?
She's just like, "Mm-hmm, yep.
Yeah, no, well. Mm-hmm."
You okay lying here?
I've always been okay.
With me. Not really.
Come and speak with me before I left all here.
I don't think we should still not speak.
Thanks for clearing that up.
I think we should still continue not speaking.
It's the only way we can get through living together
and not argue and not be upset.
If you think it's best to not speak,
let's not speak.
Probably it's best not to speak.
¶
Can't wait to see everyone proper happy.
Can't wait to get back. Obviously, see my girlfriend.
When you go back in the house, just be calm, right?
Any situation, just take a step back
and think about what you're doing.
Givin' me a little bit of a lecture, um,
just sort of, be careful, look after yourself,
as mothers do.
Just a proper, caring mother.
I do, generally, anyway.
I know you do.
I'm just telling you to do it.
(laughs) All right.
...with me.
Right. Okay?
All right, see you later.
¶
all: Hi!
Ricci looks unreal.
He looks so good. He's well-rested.
He'd been hammering the gym.
The kid looks amazing.
How is everybody? All right?
I could not be happier to see my girlfriend.
Missed her so much. Really happy to see her.
If I've got to watch him
neck on with Vicky once more,
I'm gonna be sick in my mouth.
He's a sound lad, but once he has a drink,
he does everyone's tits in, to be honest.
I'm just hoping this time around,
he's not gonna get as pissed,
and he's not gonna get so angry and in your face.
Me and you, though.
It's over, you know what I mean?
Oh, yeah. It's gone.
Brother of the age, you know what I mean?
Decide now, too, to help me make it.
Wouldn't have your stuff on it.
So daft.
It was like nothing had happened.
It was literally, it just went straight back to normal.
And I knew that would happen.
He's always been there for me.
I've always been there for him.
There's no change between us whatsoever.
If anything, we're stronger.
We're just brothers, and we'll be brothers for life.
¶
Have you seen him for the night?
He's nervous. Yeah.
How nervous, but exciting.
I'm scared what a recluse I am.
I forgot what I say.
What were you saying? Nothing.
So tonight, me and Sophie
are going to do stand-up comedy.
I think if it all goes tits up...
Pull my own tit out?
Yeah, that's right.
Nudity is always funny.
(farts) Or farts.
(laughter)
I am so scared,
a bit of poo actually just stained my knickers.
(laughing)
¶
This is definitely kind of
not anything like I was expecting.
They don't feel like the most friendly crowd,
to say the very least.
I've got a funny feeling this could all go tits up.
Oh, I'm scared, Sophie.
I'm worried.
I'm worried, and I'm nervous
that people are gonna fling stuff at us.
Rotten fruit.
Are you ready for the next act?
Here's Sophie and Charlotte!
As I look out to the crowd,
I can't see anyone.
All I can see is the stage, Sophie,
and the microphone.
Hi, everyone.
(cheering)
Lovely night tonight, isn't it?
I'm not sure how this audience
is gonna react to their particular style of humor.
On a serious note...
Yeah, I'll tell you what--
I'm absolutely shitting myself right now.
We do really look hot, do we?
(laughter) There was one time
when we went to the forest,
and we went on a bike--
and we went on a bike ride.
Oh, the bike ride was so good.
You can't remember the bike ride.
(laughter)
That was the end of the joke!
(laughter)
We've got the audience where we want them,
and they're eating out of the palm of our hands.
I feel like I'm feeding a pony,
and then...
it all starts to go terribly wrong.
I've got a friend called Charlie,
and she's a compulsive liar!
(laughter)
Vicky, help us.
Sophie and Charlotte's comedy is...
it's a bit silly.
So, hydrocolonic irrigation.
And this fart!
Not that funny.
Vicky, laugh.
For fuck's sake.
It's not going down well whatsoever.
I'm gonna pretend I don't even know them.
So just as everything went tits up,
we got the trout out.
There's something fishy going on around here.
Oof! (laughter)
The ear smells of fish.
I think that was my highlight,
actually, the fish slap.
That's all, guys. Thank you!
(cheering) Yeah!
What the fuck?
Everything just went so well.
I've got a natural high. I'm buzzing.
That kind of high like when you see
when the horse gives birth to the foal,
and it drops out, and it can't stand.
And it's so natural, and you're so high off life.
¶
Just did a bit of a wee.
(laughter)
Charlotte, go pee, all right?
You saw me naked.
Charlotte comes back from the comedy club.
Becca's there. So me and Jay,
being lads, like,
"Right, you two, in the hot tub, now."
Squirted all out. (laughter)
So, now that I'm settling in,
I think it's about time that I show the guys that
I've got a party trick.
(farting noise)
(laughter)
She can actually suck the air
up in her vagina,
and blow it back out like a fart.
(farting noise)
Like a blowhole on a whale.
Like, sucking in the water
and blowing it back out again.
It sounds like a baby crocodile.
(farting noise)
Fanny farts, surprisingly sexy.
(farting noise) (laughter)
She was literally fascinating.
He was like,
"Do that again." Do it again.
I think it's weirdly turned him on.
(farting noise) (laughter)
And he's thinking to himself,
"I want her to fanny fart all over my cock."
all: One more!
Hold on for it. In.
(farting noise) (laughter)
I've never seen nothing like this before,
and she can do it on cue.
(farting noise) (laughter)
¶
Slow down, pet.
Before I know it, I'm gonna be
fucking six months' pregnant and fucking
halfway down the aisle. No thanks, pet.
I'm fine as I am.
I was really talking to Vicky, but next thing
she's leading me out to the fuck hut, get in.
Eeh, nauseous.
¶
I'm not some sort of frigid, crazy nun, right?
I do have sex, but only when I know
that the person is only having sex with me,
and they care about me.
(groaning)
Vicky having sex. It's like-- doesn't--
doesn't seem right.
Obviously, I can hear them banging.
The shed is like swaying a little bit,
so I thought I'd just help it a little bit.
And so, I'm pushing it...
Jesus Christ, it can't be this good.
The earth's not moving.
It's got to be them idiots outside.
¶
Knowing that people not only knew
I was having sex, but were
having a big joke out of it
was all just a bit too much for me to take.
The moment lost its magic.
I had to stop, and I had to walk away,
and I had to get away from everyone.
I feel it was a bit hurtful.
Vicky just got up and stormed out.
I think I kind of cock blocked Ricci on that one.
Ricci is that into Vicky now that all he does
is fucking follow her around everywhere.
It's fuckin' pathetic.
This water!
He's in for a shocker.
I think Gary's forgotten that we're not speaking.
Then we just end up talking
and we're getting along so well,
and I'm feeling a little bit horny.
And I really want to have sex with him,
and I fancy him a little bit, too.
This is a disaster.
In the hot tub, Charlotte touched my leg
and come-- hold my hand under the water.
I knew straight away then, I was like,
you are getting buggered tonight, I was like,
here we go again.
It feels right at the time.
I just want a little pet.
So, Rebecca's fanny farts turn us on so much,
I decide to have a neck on with her.
'Cause during the day, we're just like fucking mates.
It's as soon as he's had a drink,
when his love goggles come out and he's like,
"Oh, yeah, Becca."
Like, "Let's kiss," and all this.
We're like magnets.
What?
Whatever floats his boat.
If he wants to kiss, I'm here for him.
¶
Do you know what-- do you know--
Yeah?
So Gary's just turned around and said this,
straight after the love-making,
and... I'm a little bit pissed off.
It's not really the right time
to bring something like that up.
Gary!
Uh-huh. (sighs)
I'll always say this-- I'll never go as far
as seeing her, boyfriend, girlfriend,
but I'll always have feelings for her.
But I love being a lad
and going out with the boys too much.
That's the harsh reality of it.
I just can't commit to her.
But she would make someone
the most amazing girlfriend ever.
¶
(doorbell ringing)
both: Hi!
I'm standing there naked, in a sheet,
and it's Sophie's dad.
Shit!
I need to get some clothes on.
(Rebecca) Ooh, Sophie's dad is a little D.I.L.F.
That is, a dad I'd like to fuck.
He's gorgeous.
Dad! Hello, my darling.
How are you?
I'm all right. How is things?
Are you okay? Okay.
He's so sexy. He's like Al Pacino.
Tonight is opening night,
so I'd like to invite yous all.
He's came and announced that
he's opening his new restaurant today.
I love him.
And, please, invite your families,
your parents as well to come with you, okay?
I'm feeling really, really happy today.
I'm gonna see my dad at the restaurant,
my mum's gonna be there.
It's gonna be really, really nice
just to spend time with my family.
Everyone's invited for meal, and to get pissed.
I can't wait to get there
and get some decent food for once.
¶
Geordie girls, all of use need
to have the nails done.
You can't go out
with stumpy, bitten little pig trotters.
Without sounding too, uh, soppy-like,
I'm really happy that you're doing this.
I bet Ricci is happy, too.
Ricci's on cloud nine.
I thought Vicky didn't bang.
She does now!
She bangs left, right, and center.
What was all the sex and stuff like?
Like sex.
Scale of one to ten?
So, five's average.
Oh, it was a five?
No, I'm just working out the scale.
I'm gonna say it was steady 8.5.
Mine was definitely a ten.
Oh, fuck off, man.
It's okay.
He got us with an 8.5.
You don't have to feel bad about that.
Charlotte's never been the brightest star in the sky,
like, so I'm assuming maybe
she didn't get her G.C.S.E. in maths,
and she thinks this scale is out of 100.
Yeah-- but, yeah, 8.5 is really good.
Oh, Charlotte, why do you really think it was so bad.
(telephone ringing)
Hello?
Hi, good morning, Gaz. Oh, yeah?
I've got a spray tanning job for you and Ricci...
Yeah? Today at 3:00 P.M.
(door closing)
¶
Me and Ricci are on the way
to do this spray tan,
but I pull up outside, there's strippers.
Pussy Galore. (laughter)
If we're spray tanning strippers as a job,
that's one fuckin' good job.
And I'm actually excited to get in there and do it.
I'm a bit worried, 'cause I know Vick,
she's gonna kick it off.
I think Gaz is a bit more excited than me.
Do you proper like her?
Dude, yeah, I really like her.
And she's obvi-- I think she's in love with me like.
Love?
What are you calling fuckin' love?
Me and Gaz, having a little man chat.
Um, discussion of Vicky.
I think he might think I'm a bit of a soppy twat,
but I really couldn't care less.
I really care for her.
Well, the speed you're going,
you'll be engaged next week.
(laughing)
No, we'll see how it goes.
(laughing) You didn't say "no"!
"I'll see how it goes ."
"We'll see how it goes."
He's just met her?
Eh? I just generally don't fuckin' get it.
Ricci's in for costumes.
There you go. A nappy for you.
A nappy for you, as well.
Equipment here. That's going on.
I'll let you girls put the poxy under.
I'm a bit worried about what Vicky is thinking.
Obviously, I'm gonna be looking at naked girls,
so, I'll try not to look at them.
Be like that. Not looking.
Here we are, spray tanning strippers,
straight away I thought,
that fit, tall one is mine.
Bend over.
Nice ass, nice tits.
To be fair, I've got a fuckin' semi on.
This is the best day's work ever.
Shit, Ricci. Try to be good.
Think professional. You've got a girlfriend.
(laughter)
They're the best ones we've done like, you know.
No joking.
How many have you done?
Um, two.
(laughter)
Decent tans in here. Yeah?
My type of fantasies.
Don't know how that's gonna go down with Vicks,
but we'll speak about it.
That's-- they saw us. Real pile-up.
It will be a big decision to see
if he actually comes to strippers,
or he doesn't. 'Cause if it was me,
that early relationship,
you've got to put your foot down,
say, "Look, I'm going to have a few drinks
with the boys. Like, chill out."
¶
We're taking Vicky for a meal.
I think she'll really like this.
But I think I'll drop in
going to the strip club with the lads.
So, we'll see how it goes.
¶
Just an absolutely beautiful
little restaurant.
It's so romantic, and so sweet.
I'm just feeling like
really, really happy to be here.
¶
We go to Sophie's dad's restaurant.
It's his new opening.
It should be a really good night.
We're gonna get mortal.
Thank you guys for coming.
All right.
(all talking)
Gary's dad is here?
Hi, Kevin!
Oh, yeah? I'm Charlotte.
Let's all get over them. Ah.
Here I am. Just me and Gary's dad.
Talking to each other and that.
You and Gary are still speaking?
Yeah, we're really good friends.
We're getting on really well.
I'm sure he's out with Jackie.
They're both really lovely people.
And I'm kind of thinking,
I could handle these being my in-laws.
Go on, Becca.
Enough "friends with benefits."
You don't say that to Kevin.
My mum's here. James is here.
My mum knows we've had sex.
I'm gonna have to introduce them
for the first time. This is gonna be
the most awkward moment of my life.
Heard a lot about you, actually.
Really? All good, I hope.
Well... could be.
I'm thinking, "Fucking hell,
you're actually all right."
You know what they say,
you've got to look at the mother, haven't you?
Hopefully, fuckin',
Holly might blossom in a few years.
That's why I was quiet there.
I didn't know what I was seeing.
Don't take me out for a nice meal,
get all dressed up,
pour it on fucking thick,
and then tell us what you really want
to be doing is watching
some half-naked fucking strippers
gyrate around while I sit there
worrying about it.
You can go and do exactly what you want.
But don't expect me to be sitting
at home waiting a fool.
I didn't expect.
Good. Sleep in your own fucking bed, then.
I am fucking raging.
I'm nobody's mug. Nobody's.
If you want me, be with me.
Like, it's never gonna impress us.
It's never gonna endear you to me.
Like, I'm never gonna wake up
the morning after you do something like that
and feel like I want to be with.
It shows how much she can handle
being mature about a relationship.
And she can't just talk about something
instead of going off on one.
Talk about it. Stop being a dick.
¶
Oh, where's this food?
This is the first time I've seen Vicky like this.
¶
Jay has warned me about it.
Gaz has warned me about it.
It puts everything in perspective.
You're a scumbag.
Stroke, single lad.
As far as I'm concerned...
you're completely and utterly
fucking replaceable.
¶
So, we're all in the restaurant,
and everyone is having a good time.
(cheering)
And Vicky and Ricci come.
It's nice to meet you.
And the look on Vicky's face...
doesn't look like she's happy.
Yes, we can call the strippers
being out with our lads.
both: What? Eh?
Oof! I wouldn't like to be Ricci.
It's not right, is it?
Like, you've only been together that long,
and he's asking you if he can go
to the strip club already?
It's the honeymoon period, for God's sake.
What type of a bloke on his fucking honeymoon
goes and watches other half-naked fucking women?
Bore off, will ya?
He took us out for something nice to eat,
to soften the blow of being like,
"Can I go and watch other naked ladies
dance in front of us while I ogle them?"
Well, no, you can't, you stupid prick.
Go fuck yourself, and you can have
all the silly little slags you want.
It's not got me. It's done. Done.
To being fucking single, for God's sake.
Oh, yeah!
Vicky is single, and she's back
to being one of the girls again.
Thank fuck for that!
You can't have a girl that tells you
you can't do things.
For me, if anyone said,
"You are not going with the boys,"
I'd be like, "Bye."
It's only been a couple of weeks, man.
They're like a fuckin' married couple.
What are you gonna do?
Guys?
Come.
¶
I'm just not in the mood,
and I can't be arsed any more arguments.
Even though I want to be out with the lads
for a night out, I just can't be arsed
with what's happened tonight.
So, if Ricci's not coming,
that leaves me, James, and Jay.
Couldn't be more perfect.
Let's hit the strippers.
¶
Fuckin', I can' wait to get some fanny in my face.
I think Ricci did come in thinking,
"I'm gonna give Gaz a run for his money.
I'm a big player."
Grow up.
You're under the thumb, mate,
and she is wearing the trousers.
So we're in the strip club,
having the time of our life,
tits and fannies all over.
¶
I haven't had a bang in a while,
and there's this blonde lass.
All her clothes off, just gyrating,
bending over and showing us everything she's got
right in front of us.
Obviously, it's the biggest tease you can possibly have.
(James) Wish I was Ricci at home.
(Jay) Not even thinking about Ricci at the minute.
(laughter)
¶
(women shouting)
all: Get bent, you're out! Get bent, you're out!
At this point, I'm not sure whether Ricci's
in the house or he's gone to the strippers.
(muffled shouting)
I couldn't give a fuck.
I thought I'd go see if Vicky had calmed down.
Big mistake.
Exactly. We're fuckin' finished.
Oh, we're finished, are we?
She's obviously got trust issues.
I'm not arsed. No.
I love her to bits,
but she needs to realize
that I've only got eyes for her
instead of other girls.
I never kid.
Fuckin' bitch!
The boys have ruined a lovely evening.
They expect to come back, bring girls,
get in the hot tub.
Sorry, lads-- sabotage.
Sabotage.
(Charlotte) Sabotage!
If the boys think that
they can bring strippers back,
they can fuck right off.
'Cause all they'll do
is go straight in the hot tub.
So we're just gonna have to smash it up.
We're gonna have to totally trash it.
(Sophie) But then we just go wild.
We're causing mayhem.
We've hauled some mud in it,
We've got some pebbles.
We've got a cheeky chair in there.
Yay!
We've even got the chocolate sauce
and squirted it all the way around
so it looks like poo.
It's like one big shit mix.
That looks quite a bit like shit, that do.
I'll do, I'll go again.
Second on our list is the fuck hut.
Take every single blanket and cushion, motherfuckers.
And the mattress, so there's nothing.
Any form of comfort whatsoever is taken
from the fuck hut, so they won't
be wanting to spend any time in there.
I've got pillows!
Get fucked, boys.
So we decide, let's just
take the mattress and hide it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
(shouting and laughing)
Come on!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
(women shouting)
What the fuck is that?
I'm fucking nervous.
Ew, I don't even know if I want to walk in here
when that's going on.
(women chanting)
In they walk...
with no girls.
Shit.
women: Keep on! Keep on! Keep on! Keep on!
We walk in, and all the lasses
up on the fucking kitchen benches,
running around like football hooligans.
women: Keep on! Keep on!
If I came back with some bird
and I walked in on that environment,
I would at least turn on the girl,
"Get yourself a taxi home."
It's embarrassing.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What-- the women!
What the fuck?
Eh, the jealous (bleep). They turn...
...with bringing birds back.
Really? And the magical hut.
And the magical--
Yeah, have you seen it?
They put soda in it, sauce.
Look at it, man.
What the fuck?
How-- we can't fucking be seeing this place.
What the fuck?
What are they doing, eh?
To me, that's so disrespectful.
It shows how immature they are.
And it's pathetic.
I'm absolutely foaming.
Stop being idiots, right?
Why have yous done that?
And they're trying to basically scare off lasses
that we could have, or would have, brought back.
(shouting, arguing)
Oh, bore off!
It's honestly pathetic.
So, with a happy face. With a happy face.
Don't be daft. Just don't be daft.
The lads have never been able to take a joke,
especially when it's on them.
So, it's like animals.
(women shouting)
It's ridiculous.
So, we all go sky-fucking-high.
You're off your nuts.
It doesn't matter that I'm not saying anything,
'cause everything I'm thinking,
James is saying anyway. (chuckling)
It was fucking perfect.
women: So let's go! We tell them!
men: Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies?
men: You ate all the pies!
This is starting to get pretty malicious,
and from what I can hear
going on upstairs, this is taking
a disastrous turn for the worse,
and they are taking it, as per usual,
one step too fucking far.
men: You ate all the pies! You ate all the pies!
I'm not letting a man call me fat,
my friends fat.
What the fuck? Don't you fuckin' dare
stand up there and call me fuckin' fat!
I'm not bothered if it hits a nerve.
They shouldn't have done any of it in the first place.
(all shouting)
It is war.
Here, sit down. You're embarrassing yourself.
You're embarrassing... Sit down!
...when you stand there slagging us off!
She needs to back off and shut the fuck up.
I'm not fucking backing down to anybody.
I'll fucking punch your head in.
James! James! James!
You are a little boy.
You're a little boy. That's the point.
I'm not a little boy.
Yous are horrible. Yous are disgusting.
Right the fuck off! Fuck off!
Sit down, man. Sit down.
I know who my friends are.
Fuck off. Fuck off, yeah?
Good-bye, James. Bye, James.
And all I can see is happening here
is the lad and lasses divide is coming back in.
¶ Everyone's here to party
¶ If you wanna go wild if you wanna go wild ¶
¶ Everyone's here to party
¶ If you wanna go wild if you wanna go wild ¶
¶ Everyone's here to party
¶ Let's party, party let me go wild ¶
¶ Oi, oi let me go wild ¶
¶ Let's party, party let me go own that ¶
¶ Oi oi let me go wild ¶
¶ Let's party hard let me go own that ¶
¶ Own that own that ¶