¶
We are back in Newcastle,
back in our playground.
Let the party begin.
Hi!
It's a new boy.
(cheering)
What the fuck?
She's got an attitude.
Tried to face it and slapped her arse.
(Vicky) Really annoying.
She's like thrush.
(James) Surprised Anna wanted
us to work for her again, to be honest.
The best we done last time.
Does anybody know how to spray tan?
(Charlotte) Vicky's gonna finish her boyfriend.
(Vicky) Dan doesn't turn up.
Don't blame him.
Sophie.
Fuck off, man.
I didn't lose face.
Is it so hard for me to do this
while we're inside?
(Ricci) Gaz and Charlotte,
not really speaking.
(Vicky) I know they're from Dan.
(James) Ricci's face was in
a right little strop.
(Charlotte) Finally tash on
with someone other than Gary!
Fuck her one more time, won't hurt.
(shouting)
(Holly) This isn't the party
that we were hoping for.
(shouting)
¶
I am a Geordie girl with a VIP edge.
My biggest fear is getting wrinkles.
I've got a banging body and the banter to match.
I should have a degree in pulling women.
I would never kiss anyone without a six-pack.
Hardest graft I've ever done is doing my hair.
I could talk the back legs off a donkey.
Got the looks, got the charm.
It just works.
I'm fit, I'm flirty, and I've got double-Fs.
(all) Geordie Shore, why, aye!
¶
(Ricci) Wake up in the morning.
Think-- it's one of those nightmare situations,
thinking, "I can't believe last night."
(Gaz) Did that really happen last night?
Did that actually happen with my mate?
Like, where's Ricci?
Like, what's just happened?
And the one person I did not want
to see when I wake up is Anna.
All right.
Take a seat.
Being pulled in a bar from like,
my best mate in the house, you know what I mean?
It's like, it's a nightmare situation,
like, we don't want it.
¶
Ricci was getting wild in the bar that night,
'cause obviously Dan had delivered them presents
for Vicky.
So even to start the night,
he was in a bad mood.
And I just think it took a little daft argument
and a little bit of confrontation
to turn into what it did.
¶
You may hang your head in shame.
It's absolutely disgusting.
None of the other housemates
should have seen that, witnessed that.
It won't happen again.
(Anna) It won't happen again.
You're out of this house.
(exhaling)
When I heard them words come out her mouth,
my heart sunk.
I want you to go pack your stuff now.
Don't wake anybody else.
¶
Vick's waking up in the morning
and realizing that I've gone.
Like, I'd love to be with her--
you know what I mean?
To just explain the cock-up, but,
not allowed to.
Just gotta go.
After such a good night, with Vicky,
like, becoming my girlfriend,
an argument between me and Gaz
is the most horrendous thing I've ever
seen in my life.
It's stupid.
Leaving the house,
this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do
in my entire life.
(Gaz) There's people in there
I've bonded with, and I became really close with,
and that this is the end...
(sighing) Absolutely heartbroken.
Absolutely gutted.
¶
Morning.
(Sophie) Hi.
Do you want everyone up?
Please.
How are you?
Just take a seat 'round the breakfast area.
Not pleased to be here.
As soon as I seen Anna, I knew it was 'bout
the fight last night,
and she's definitely not here
to give us a pat on the back.
¶
(Charlotte) Anna's in the house.
She looks really angry.
I don't want to see any more
ridiculous behavior.
I mean, yes, party.
But take it a level
where you can actually control your actions.
The boys have been sent home.
What they did was totally unacceptable.
Because of fuckin' Gary and his jealousy,
my new boyfriend's kicked out the house?
Thanks, Gaz, you fuckin' bellend.
(Charlotte) I can't believe Gary's gone.
And it's all my fault for kissing Leroy.
(Vicky) Gaz and Ricci's argument started over one thing,
and one thing only, and that is Charlotte.
I'm warning ya.
Don't ever let me be standing here again.
¶
Right, I'll see yous Friday.
(James) The people who will feel it most
is Vicky and Charlotte.
Vicky's just lost her, "new boyfriend,"
which she'll be so devastated about.
And Gaz's fucked off, so Charlotte's missing him.
(Holly) It wouldn't have been
fair for one of them to go and one of them to stay.
Obviously, I like Gary a lot more than I like Ricci,
because when he's drunk, he intimidates me
and I don't like it.
(Vicky) Ricci started off in a bad mood
with the presence of Dan,
and then it escalated from there.
Obviously, Gaz isn't Golden Boy either,
'cause it blatantly has happened because
he was jealous of you going with Ricci's friend.
Yeah.
And it's all escalated and jumped from there.
Why doesn't Gary just admit that he,
he is bothered?
He's just trying to keep up with this big act
of being a player and really just looks
like a knob jockey.
I feel genuinely so sorry for him.
He thinks the world of you, Yeah.
he thinks the world of lasses. Yeah.
He even thinks the world of fuckin' Gary.
This is so fuckin' out of order.
It's unfair.
I think it's really going to affect my mood.
I'm gonna miss him a lot.
He's an only child, he's being spoon-fed.
If he doesn't like something
and it doesn't go his way,
he kicks off like a kid.
(all shouting)
And everyone'll say the same thing,
they do not like him when he's drunk.
¶
(phone ringing)
(Sophie) Hello?
(Joel) How you doing, babe, are you all right?
Oh, hi, Joel, how are you?
Am I supposed to say, yeah, I'll meet him?
Am I supposed to leave it this quick?
Should I leave it longer?
Should I make him suffer longer?
I don't know.
(Vicky) I've never been one to kind of
mask my opinions, or hide exactly how I feel,
so, when Sophie's on the phone,
I write down that I think Joel's a twat.
¶
Which, basically he is.
I have to talk to the guys about it,
and see what they think.
And I'll let you know.
(Vicki) On the other side,
I write down that, um,
I'm serious, and he also wears pink lipstick.
I don't think anyone can get mad at us for this,
because it's true.
It's a fact.
You don't get mad at newsreaders, do you?
On a serious note, though,
do you think I'm wrong if I get back with him?
¶
I think only you know how you feel.
(Rebecca) Yeah.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
Think she'll probably stop seeing him...
I'm no Dear Deirdre,
and I know me and Gary fucked it all up,
but I'm just trying to help.
If you want to give him a second chance,
then, we'll be behind you.
But, fool me once, shame on you. Yeah.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
If he thinks he's gonna take the piss out of her,
he's got another thing coming.
I fuckin' hate that skinny little prick.
¶
(James) So, me and Jay, we want to go out,
and we want to get some new girls.
¶
We've got a large room.
There's only two people in there.
And there's a shag pad.
So one of us got the room to himself,
one's got the shag pad, we're fucking laughing.
We need to be taking full advantage of
this situation.
¶
The girls are like, "Sophie,
do what you want to do."
So I do.
And I decide I'm going to see him.
¶
So many questions are going through my head right now.
And I don't know what to do,
I'm still in two minds.
¶
So I just want to go and hear
what he's got to say.
How are ya?
I'm good, you look amazing.
Hey, you.
Hey, girl. Hey, how are you?
He looks so nice again.
I want to explain, like, what happened.
I'm glad-- well, I want you to explain.
On a night out,
I'm used to just being with the boys,
and that sort of thing.
And you know I've got a bit of a reputation
of sort of being like a bit of a player
back in London. Yeah, but you should stop.
I'm leaving all that behind,
and, like,
I've come all the way from London here
to see you again.
You know what I mean?
Like, this is showing you already
that I, you know, I want to make amends
for what happened that night.
¶
Should I do what everyone else says
I should do?
And that's to fuck you off.
Then I think, "You know what?
Fuck it."
Fuck everyone else.
I'll do what I think's right,
and if it doesn't work out,
then fuckin' shit on me.
I'll give you one more chance.
Then, after this, if you fuck up,
if you mess us about, if you do anything wrong,
then that's it.
I'll make your life hell.
¶
(Charlotte) So, we're in Bijoux,
and I've got one thing on my mind:
cock.
Big ones.
And not Gary's.
Charlotte's got this big plan tonight,
that she's gonna be some sort of crazy,
pulling machine.
(Charlotte) So the boy in the jumper
is lookin' all right to practice on.
But he looks a bit intelligent.
I don't know how to speak with intelligent people.
Shit, I'm under so much pressure.
No backing out now, though.
I'm going in for the kill.
What the fuck?!
¶
(Sophie) We're like, mate, let's go home
and do what normal couples do
and have a night in.
¶
Can't stay all night.
I can't find the DVD I want.
You've already looked there.
I have?
I know the majority of the house
don't like Joel.
You know, they're upset about the way he treats us,
they don't like his behavior in the house.
They're gonna be angry that he's probably here.
You want to go for a walk?
(sighing) Yeah.
If everyone comes in and attacks him,
when that's my guest,
then I think that is very, very disrespectful.
If I'm happy, then they should be happy.
¶
(Rebecca) It's actually good
having a night out without Ricci,
because he gets in such a state when he's drunk.
So now that he's been kicked out,
he may grow up a little bit and become a real man
like Jason.
¶
I think I love him again.
I think I fancy him so much.
(Jay) I pretty much want the best of both worlds,
where I can come home with a bird,
but I'm still spooning Rebecca.
I've told Jason how I feel.
And now he just totally powders off
'cause I don't want to bang him?
I feel a little bit gutted, to be honest.
¶
(Rebecca) Me and Holly just get completely annihilated.
¶
(Holly) I was, like,
pouring vodkas that Jay would pour,
like half and half.
And then it was getting to the point
where it wasn't even half and half anymore,
it was like, three quarters, and a...
a quarter.
(James) Holly and Becca,
they're being embarrassing.
They need to learn, like, the limits.
¶
Becca and Holly are gonna be a nightmare
tonight, you know.
They're gonna be mortal.
Got your bollocks up to here on that one.
¶
They're trying to keep up with us,
when they can't drink for shit.
¶
(yelling)
(drunken screaming)
Whoah, whoah!
(groaning) Hey, somebody get the bag!
Fucking hell. I need my--
¶
Lie down.
Do it now, all right?
Right now, Joel is actually shitting himself
for everyone coming back.
And then, like, I'll just pretend to be asleep.
Like this?
And, I decide that I'm gonna make a
little bit of a laughter about it,
and I'm gonna pretend that Joel isn't there.
¶
(overlapping chatter)
Hello.
Suddenly, I think something's off.
What happened with Joel?
Come here, James.
No, no, no, no, no, what happened with Joel?
(James) What's happened?
I'm like, "Fuck, what's he done, like?"
Has he not turned up, or has he, like,
said summat and hurt her?
What's happened to you?
I went to meet him, right?
And he-- You're okay, okay?
I went to meet him, right, and he told us...
What'd he say?
He's been behind my back.
And he's been going with loads of girls in London,
everything, and I'm devastated.
He's a fucking pig, isn't he?
Fucking dickhead.
Isn't he a dick?
I don't know what--
Fuck.
I'm like, trying to comfort her,
saying it's all right.
You shouldn't have even went to see him,
I told you.
But you know now.
You deserve so much better.
I'm starting to cry, I'm really upset,
I can't believe he's done this,
the stupid knobhead.
I knew all along he'd do this.
Where's Joel?
Just kidding!
(all laughing)
And he fucking pops up behind us.
They're playing a prank on--
Which I thought was bang out of order, like.
(laughing)
What arseholes.
That wasn't funny.
¶
(Charlotte) Vicky pulls the
twat's eye look at Joel.
Shit is hitting the fan.
(Joel) Vicky, is that about me?
Yes.
So you've no reason to lie.
And then, this is also about you as well.
I heard about this, what are you talking about?
I'm serious, he wears pink lipstick.
This isn't gonna go well.
What are you on about?
Let's be serious.
I'm not the only one who thought it, as well.
It was actually a unanimous decision
by everyone who lived here, eh?
And if you want to try and mug us off,
I'll tell ya every single person in here
thought it.
She decides to bring every fucker else
into it.
Not only did Charlotte, not only did Holly,
not only did James, not only did Jane,
not only did Gary,
Sophie did as well.
I didn't know what lipstick.
Vick's taking the piss out of him,
he's a guest in the house,
and he's just-- she's making him feel
awkward as fuck.
Vicky, I know that you've been, like,
telling Sophie this and that about me,
but I said to Sophie, is like,
who the fuck are you to give relationship advice
to anybody?
Do you know what I'm saying?
Do you know what it was, Joel?
Right? I liked ya.
I liked you! I never had a bad word to say about you.
Liked him?
What a fuckin' liar, man, she hates him.
Did you have an opinion about Joel
on the night out?
I said he was a-- Aye.
Did you have an opinion about the
night out, when Joel was out?
Aye.
Did you? Aye.
I was the last.
I was the fuckin' very last.
Well, at the end of the day--
Every (bleep) else
said what they had to fuckin' say about you.
And I fuckin' literally held my tongue,
I bit my tongue 'cause I wasn't there.
(Joel) What do you mean?
'Cause I try and stand up for her,
and try to look after her--
No, I appreciate--
(overlapping talking)
Forget it, it's pointless.
(Sophie) I can hear loads of shouting,
loads of people kicking off,
and I'm thinking, "Is this really happening?"
I'm not being funny, I'll do anything for you.
Yeah, but, and then what you said,
you said I'll stand by you, whatever--
I'll stand by you no matter what
Yeah. decision you make, Soph.
We all will And that means not
having a go at my boyfriend.
Never had a go at him.
I've never, not once.
Then what's happened?
(Sophie) He's my boyfriend, I should stick up for him,
he's got nobody else right now to stick up for him.
Then again, I don't want to look like
I'm fuckin' everyone else off.
Whenever yous are having relationships,
I give yous advice.
I give yous advice, but I never have gos, like.
(Sophie) So I think, like, "Sophie,
speak up for yourself and stop fucking hiding away."
I'm a big lass, and I know what I'm doing.
I'm 22 years old, for God's sake.
You know what that means?
I've been through bigger things than this.
To know if I should pick the right boy or not.
She's got her rose-tinted fucking glasses on
when it comes to Joel.
She needs to wake up and smell the fake tan,
the kid's a prick.
¶
(Joel) I know, it's just like, fuckin'...
¶
(groaning)
Whoah.
I really feel a little bit sick right now.
(belching)
I don't know why I didn't move
to the toilet.
(heaving)
I just sit up--
(heaving)
And I just start throwing up
in my quilt.
(vomiting)
And then I'm thinking, "Oh, I wish someone
would wake up and help me."
Right.
This doesn't smell very nice.
I need to strip my bed.
¶
(coughing)
¶
Ugh!
Ugh, it's so bad!
It's just rice and chicken.
(coughing)
I'm so, can't--
(gagging)
(Holly) Oh, my God,
it was mental last night.
What the fuck was I eating?
It was like purple mixed with rice.
There was chunks of steak still in there.
You could have put it back on the plate
and served it up if you wanted to.
All right, get the hose.
I'm going to-- (screaming)
There's a big ball of sick in the bedspread!
(screaming)
Ew, it looks like a Scotch egg.
¶
(Rebecca) Every time there's summat going on in
the house like this,
sick or soup or all that,
I seem to be the idiot that's cleaning it.
¶
(Vicky) I wake up today and, I'm still furious.
I don't want to be angry with Sophie,
and I'm so pleased that she comes in my room
straight away in the morning.
He's strutting around here like fuckin'
William LargePenis, Sophie,
acting like he's been forgiven and he owns the place,
and he's griefed me in my own house,
when all I've tried to do is look after you.
The way Vicky's behaving isn't right.
That's not really a good approach.
You deserve better, mate.
I think she should just back off
for just a little bit.
To be fair, yous haven't seen much.
Yous have seen what, all together,
five hours of mine and Joel's relationship?
She wants to be with Joel.
She's old enough now, and daft enough,
to make her own decisions.
And what is ultimately gonna be her own mistakes.
¶
(overlapping chatter)
(Charlotte) It's never happy families in this house.
Got Joel at one end, Vicky at the other.
I feel like I'm in a Sunderland,
Newcastle away match.
Today, we're gonna go out, right?
And we're gonna have, like, a fitness day.
Are we?
Everybody's just feeling hungover to fuck.
So I decided that we'll get out,
get some fresh air,
it'll cure your hangover.
Get some bikes, and stuff like that.
(overlapping chatter)
Can I have one with stabilizers?
(Holly) A fuckin' bike ride.
This is the last thing I want
to be doing right now.
What the fuck?
Oop, she's off.
Oh, there we are.
(coughing)
(James) Fuckin' hell, the chances of
banging her again were 99% no chance.
Now they're fuckin' 100%.
Never fucking ever.
¶
Smell that fresh air.
This is gonna be shit, Jay.
I'm getting a sweat on.
Just put the seat down, sit on the seat.
Can you help me with the seat, then?
I can't ride a fuckin' bike!
Holly can't ride a bike.
Because while we were all learning
to ride bikes, Holly was learning
to suck cock.
¶
(Jay) So the only thing she can ride
is this three-wheeler thing.
How do you brake?
You, you've got the brake.
Holly, you've got the brake!
There.
I like to call it the Twatmobile.
I am perfect at this bike!
¶
(James) The fresh air,
it's sorting my head out,
I'm feeling happy, I'm raring to go.
During the bike ride, I did my best
to maintain a safe distance from Joel.
By safe, I just mean a distance long enough
for me not to be able to punch him in the face.
His silly little outfit
are reminiscent of a garden gnome,
and all I want to do is give that little prick
a fucking fishing rod and tell him to
stay still and out my face.
¶
Is everyone enjoying it?
(all) Yeah!
Can't handle two lovebirds in the corner, mate,
keeping quiet.
Perfect at this.
Sophie's spending all her time and effort
with Joel, and not even speaking
to Vicky and Charlotte at all.
To the pub, ho! Pints!
'Couple a birds and pints!
(James) Everybody's thinking, right,
time for a pint.
Some nice food.
(overlapping chatter)
(Holly) So, after eight miles of riding this
fucking tricycle, we decide, fuck this.
Last but not least, me and you, Holl.
As planned.
¶
(Sophie) He's being lovely to us,
he's cuddling us, he's kissing us,
he's going back to the normal him.
Let's start again.
Bye. See you later.
Leave.
Go!
¶
Over the past couple of weeks, I feel like
me, Sophie, and Charlotte have had to make
a lot of big decisions.
He's trying to prove himself.
He is, like, I notice he's trying, like.
And I feel sorry for him.
He is a fuckin' nice lad, you know.
I know it's stupid, but,
I want to go see a psychic,
and maybe she can shed some light
on what's been going on.
You know what we should do tonight?
What?
Take a different approach.
Just kick back, chill out.
(overlapping chatter)
'Cause when you're looking for it, it never happens.
So me and Jay, tonight,
we're gonna try a new approach.
We're not gonna go looking for birds.
'Cause that never worked, the other day.
We're gonna sit back,
sophisticated, have a few drinks,
and let the girls come to us.
It's wet.
(Jay) So, me and James are going out tonight
with Holly and Rebecca, whilst the other three
stay and think about their boyfriend.
¶
(Charlotte) I've never been to see a psychic before.
I don't know how to feel about it,
and I don't know whether I believe.
Oh, that's not it.
Oh, hello, good evening.
(girls) Hi!
How are you? Please come in.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hi! (psychic) Hello.
I'm Sophie, how are you?
Hello, Sophie. Nice to meet you.
(Sophie) I'm first.
I don't know how I feel right now.
Everything is silent, it's calm.
(psychic) I think we need to get started.
Do you want to give me your hand?
And we'll just release that first.
Just let the tears flow.
The woman sitting there,
she has an aura about her.
And if you're feeling energy flow through me,
that's just releasing.
Can you feel that?
(Sophie) I don't know why,
I just feel really emotional.
It happens all the time in this room.
(Sophie) I sit there,
and I look into her eyes,
and literally burst out in tears.
(Charlotte) It's kinda making me
feel like I want to cry a little bit.
And I'm looking at Vicky,
she looks like she's gonna cry a little bit.
I don't know why I feel like this.
(psychic) Just take a few breaths.
So the gentleman, in the spirit world,
who comes in on the grandfather vibration?
(Sophie) Right. Okay?
(chuckling) He says,
you don't need to drop your knickers
to fit in, either.
(both laughing) Oh, God.
Bless him.
So he's bringing that in in a really humorous sense.
(Charlotte) Her grandad's not very happy with that?
He wants her to keep her knickers on?
In other words, he's calling her a slag?
The main things's the relationship at the minute.
That's my main thing on my mind.
And what I'm feeling with the relationship,
I still think there are feelings,
but I would say there's confusion as to
what those feelings are.
I feel there's a lot going on.
There's a lot of water under the bridge.
And, I really want to say,
interference from other people.
Mmhm.
And, uh, yeah, and now it's saying to me,
you need to get stronger
and tell people to butt out of your life.
Mmhm.
You ever heard that phrase,
'hears what she wants to hear'?
Well, that's a perfect fuckin' example
of what just happened.
¶
There's like, someone in my life--
Oh, you ask it for me.
I'm so emotional, I can't even ask it.
There's like, someone sort of in my life.
And I just want to, like, know if, like,
that he actually cares or not.
Obviously I was asking about Gary.
I just keep seeing true love, pet.
(crying)
Oh, Jesus Christ.
(Charlotte) I don't want to believe that.
I don't want to believe that my true love
is someone who's hurt us so many times.
¶
(Charlotte) I might give a ring to Gary,
'cause I haven't really spoken
to him since he's left.
¶
And it's ringing.
And it's still ringing.
(woman) This is the Vodaphone voicemail service of--
And then it goes to answerphone.
He didn't answer.
(laughing)
God, he's just so in love with you.
¶
¶ Last call for alcohol
¶ Hell no, hell no
¶ Last call for alcohol
¶ Hell no, hell no
(Jay) Me and James turned around
to find Rebecca and Holly
jumping around also
like a pair of fucking chimpanzees.
¶ What happens here
¶ Stays right here
¶ It ain't going nowhere
¶ What happens here
¶ Stays right here
¶ It ain't going nowhere
¶ What happens here
¶ Stays right here
¶ It ain't going...
(Rebecca) The lads are like, sort of looking over
as if to say, "Sophisticated?
I don't think so."
(guys laughing)
They can bore off with their shit comments,
'cause I'm very sophisticated.
¶
Why the fuck should we pretend
we're summat we're not?
Just to impress the lads?
I don't think so.
At the minute, they're starting
to piss me off.
They're being absolute pricks.
(Jay) Surprisingly, Holly and Rebecca
pull three lads into the VIP.
I didn't even know that lads in Newcastle
fancied fuckin' chimps.
And at the moment it must be fuckin'
mating season at the zoo
for them to get three lads into the VIP.
¶
(James) Fuck me, if he had any idea
what was coming out of her mouth this morning,
puking up in the garden,
he wouldn't be going anywhere near her.
¶
(Charlotte) We wake up,
and we've gotta go see Anna.
¶
(Anna) I want to ask you about the spray tans.
They're not doing fantastic.
We're not getting enough clients through the door,
so I'm gonna do a little test today here,
and I want to see exactly
how you're acting with your clients.
And I've got two lovely models for you.
Come around here, boys.
Fuck's sake, it's never fucking our luck, is it?
We never have decent birds to spray tan.
So, Charlotte and Sophie,
I'm gonna hand you over to the male models.
And I've got to demonstrate the first one?
(Anna) Charlotte, what are you doing
with Vaseline on knees?
You put it on the knees?
You don't put it on knees.
You know you don't.
Now, apparently, this is a big problem
and everyone has to stop what they're doing
and it gets announced in front of everyone.
(overlapping chatter)
And Sophie BigBollocks is like,
"Yeah, you don't put it on the knees, Charlotte,
remember? Remember?"
¶
I'm about to start on the spray tan,
¶
and I can't find the on switch.
(James) She doesn't even know how to
turn the fucking machine on, mind you.
Hasn't got a clue.
I didn't think it was possible,
but I actually think she's getting thicker.
¶
(Charlotte) What the hell?
It's looking a bit like a patchwork quilt.
You want to actually wipe his leg
with the towel, please, Charlotte.
Yeah, God, I'm so sorry.
(client) It's all right. I'll get this--
(Charlotte) It doesn't make things better,
the fact that I'm level with his penis.
Oh, it's looking better already.
Out like that.
(James) So now it's mine and Jay's turn
to spray tan.
We've gotta do an arm each.
Do it, no bother at all,
much better than the girls done.
I think, "We've done all right here.
Mediocre, but, all in all, I'm satisfied.
So, you've got work tonight, guys.
Okay?
Seriously?
Yes, uh-huh.
I should have just done a fucking useless job,
I should have just came in like Charlotte
and just acted dumb.
Girls, you're free to do whatever you want.
(gasping, cheering)
What does that say?
That says one thing.
Road trip!
(all) Road trip, woo!
(all chanting) Leeds, Leeds, Leeds!
We're going to Leeds!
(chanting continuing)
¶
Oh, my God, there's loads of different rooms!
(Holly) We walk into the hotel room
and it's a fucking suite.
There's actually an upstairs in this place.
(shouting)
It ends up, me and Becca in one room,
and Sophie, Charlotte and Vicky in the other.
Right, I've got a surprise.
(girls) What?
I've kept it secret!
(Charlotte) We're on a pamper weekend,
I've been feeling a bit bloated,
and I've been having trouble
with the bunghole area.
Who wants to come...
for colonic irrigation?
(girls screaming)
(overlapping chatter)
But I've gotta say, this is the weirdest thing
we've ever done together.
And funnily enough, I'm actually quite intrigued.
Everyone's had something up the--
Pamper session
of the bunghole.
(all laughing)
Let's get the shit out my arse.
¶
Ready? Ready for this?
(woman) Okay, Charlotte?
It's a sensation, but only a sensation.
It's not painful.
You need to get that tiny tip inserted.
Myself? And then--
Aw, great.
(girls laughing)
Whoah, whoah, you didn't tell us
that you were putting it in, noooo--
I don't like this.
¶
Vicky, that hand that you're holding now
is the 'insertation' hand.
Fuck's sake, man, Sophie!
Sorry.
It was only that finger.
Ah, we're there.
It's-- it's gonna come.
(girls screaming)
I always knew Sophie was full of shit
but this is fucking ridiculous.
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah!
I think, I think I'm ready to stop now.
(woman) Okay, I'll turn off the water.
I can't take much more of this.
I'm getting off.
(overlapping goodbyes)
¶
Me and James have got to work again,
handing out flyers.
Not only that, she wants we're topless.
Outside the Gate, and bear in mind,
it's fucking freezing.
All dancing with pants and a Dickie on--
I'm gonna have to get some birds to warm up, obviously.
All right.
Our mission tonight is to get two birds back.
Empty house, we've gotta make the most of this.
No babysitting tonight.
Fuck that.
No babysitting ever again.
You've gotta get your tan.
You've gotta fucking shave your body.
Most of all, you've gotta get
the combover looking slick.
Guaranteed to pull birds.
Better with a little bit of spraying oil.
(laughing)
You love that one, don't ya?
You know what they say, no spray, no lay.
(laughing)
¶
(overlapping chatter)
All we're bothered about is getting pissed
and pulling decent birds.
¶
(Rebecca) The Leeds boys are really gonna like us,
'cause when we come glammed up
and we look amazing,
they're not gonna know what's hit them.
¶
We're gonna take the town by storm,
and they're gonna know that we have arrived.
(Holly) We're gonna be the hottest girls
in the fucking club.
And everyone's gonna have their eyes
on us, without a doubt.
(flatulence)
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
¶
To the bar!
¶
Quick game of I Have Never.
I have never thought of Jay in a sexual way.
¶
No?
I fucking touched him for ages
and I never thought of him in a sexual way.
What a fucking surprise.
'Cause he is actually gorgeous.
But I don't really like the fact
that everyone else feels that about him.
We all fancy Jay,
apart from Vicky.
I've never weed in our shower.
We've all weed in the showers,
apart from Vicky.
I didn't poke myself
while Holly and Becca was asleep.
(all laughing)
(Charlotte) And I have masturbated
in the middle of Holly and Becca,
whilst they slept.
Vicky also didn't do that.
Shots!
Yeah!
Cheers.
¶
(James) We're in Floritas,
and we're fucking spoiled for choice now.
We've got birds left, right, and center.
¶
So tonight, me and Jay are gonna be
like a tag team.
I'm gonna be wrestling fanny,
and my bed's gonna be the ring.
Want to get to know them?
There's that much fanny in here a night,
if you can't pull, you must be a right twat.
I'm like, yeah!
¶
I'm a new man since I got this combover.
It's fucking ridiculous how much power it actually has.
¶
(Holly) We're just buzzing
for the night, we can't wait.
¶
Let's see if there's any new talent in Leeds.
¶ Move it to the music
¶ It feels right, it feels right ¶
(cheering)
It's bouncing.
(Holly) I look over at Char and Vicky,
and I know they're talking about Rebecca.
(Vicky) She's not making any effort.
It's about time that she needs to realize,
we're friends, we have been for a long time.
If you want be included,
make some fucking effort, pet.
¶
Next thing you know, we're muahing on,
all over the club,
like two little lovebirds.
¶
They don't really care.
They're not interested at all.
¶
I think the drink might be stronger in Leeds.
¶
Because I'm absolutely mortal.
¶
(Rebecca) We're all decided to leave the club,
because Charlotte, once again,
is absolutely hammered.
Don't be shy, Sophie!
(overlapping chatter)
Leave her alone.
That's my fuckin' shoe!
No, it's mine!
Someone give her her fuckin' shoe. Miiine!
(girls giggling)
Charlotte, you're mortal.
¶
Hey, you.
(Holly) So, we get back to the hotel,
and right now, Rebecca's upstairs,
crying her eyes out.
What's the matter?
You feel like we're leaving you out?
(sniffling)
It's the weirdest, like, 'uncomfortablest' feeling
I've ever felt, like.
I feel like the outsider again.
You're the only person that I'll speak,
speak with, and I feel like I can be--
be myself in front of,
because, whatever I say in front of them,
everyone frowns upon it, like.
Like I try and speak, and they've all learned to say,
"Whoah, whoah," as if I'm not even--
as if-- oh, God.
This is exactly what happened to me,
because, I've been sat there crying on my own
and no one's been there for me.
I couldn't make someone feel so uncomfortable.
I-- I'd want to be their friend.
I'd want them to be, like, happy.
I wouldn't want them to feel the way I am.
Sitting, crying in a room.
I don't think I've ever cried so much
in my life then--
I haven't, neither.
I got on with Charlotte and Sophie really well
when Vicky's not there,
and I think, because, they say Vicky is like
a very strong person that's around them.
But, like, if that was me,
I would still speak to people,
it wouldn't matter.
(Holly) You'll be fine, I promise.
I am not letting her go through
what I went through.
I feel bad for her.
She's 18, she's exactly what I was--
I don't care, I don't care.
I'm not gonna leave her alone.
We're not asking you to, though.
She's faking it, she's just fucking fake, Holly.
(Charlotte) I don't feel like we know the real Becca,
and all we really want to know is,
who is Becca?
¶
They can't warm to her.
They feel like she's not being herself.
She's announced that she's shy.
She doesn't like chatting lads up.
She gets embarrassed, she gets--
The minute there's five lads in a room,
she goes running over.
There's no reason to hate this girl.
If you think she's being fake,
that's your opinion.
I'm just taking her for what she is.
She's 18, she's a nice girl,
she's absolutely harmless,
she wouldn't hurt a fly.
I will stand up for anybody in this house
who I think needs standing for. Yeah.
Any girl, right?
Right now, I don't want to stand up for her.
(Rebecca crying)
¶
I think we just need to go to sleep.
We're all drunk.
See what happens in the morning.
Sort it out tomorrow.
¶
Ohh, brilliant!
¶
Fuckin' hell, I'm in here, like.
The only thing that I've got to worry about tonight
is how many lasses I'll be bringing home.
¶
(James) What the fuck did Jay say to these birds?
One minute, they're dripping off wet.
Next minute, we're left looking like fucking drips.
Do you really want to get our Irish birds back?
Who?
Irish birds.
What, what Irish birds?
Welsh birds.
Oh, the Welsh birds.
One minute, we're in the forest of fanny.
One slip of the tongue, we're home alone.
¶
What a shit night.
I hope so, mate.
¶
¶ Everyone's here to party
¶ If you wanna go wild, if you wanna go wild ¶
¶ Everyone's here to party
¶ If you wanna go wild, if you wanna go wild ¶
¶ Everyone's here to party
¶ Let's party, party, let me go wild ¶
¶ Let's party, party, let me go own that ¶
¶ Oi oi, let me go wild ¶
¶ Let's party hard, let me go own that ¶
¶ Own that own that ¶