¶
We are back in Newcastle,
back in our playground.
Let the party begin.
Hi!
It's a new boy!
(all) Hey, hey, hey, hey!
What the fuck?
She's got an attitude.
The kind of face that gets slapped off.
Really annoying, just like thrush.
Surprised-- I never wanted us to work for her again.
Yeah, that's the best we done last time.
Does anybody not have the spare time?
It's the worst birthday I've ever had.
(crying) Nothing's going right.
I wanted my boyfriend to be here, and he hasn't turned up.
(Jay) Bingo, tongue's down her throat.
Men are always, the less you give, the more they want.
Mm, that was really good.
Hmm...
Get in, from the comb-over comes the leg-over.
I care about you so much.
Surprise! (laughter)
I mean, I fucked some of what I've got with me boyfriend.
I need to remove temptation.
It's not a nice thing to watch him being with her.
How can I make her stay in bed?
Just go to sleep for now. I'll shag you in the morning.
I was asleep.
Fucking come on. Ah, man.
(whispering) God, I don't want to do this anymore.
(crying) Just want to go home and see me mum.
¶ Everyone's here to party
I am a Geordie Girl with a V.I.P. edge.
My biggest fear is getting wrinkles.
I've got a bangin' body and the banter to match.
I should have a degree in pulling women.
I would never kiss anyone without a six-pack.
The hardest graft I've ever done is to do me hair.
I could talk the back legs off a donkey.
Got the looks, got the charm-- it just works.
I'm fit, I'm flirty, and I've got Double Fs.
(all) "Geordie Shore," why aye, man!
¶
Uhh!
I'm surprised you're in here after last night.
Oh, you were a bit drunk last night, weren't you?
Well, you were a bit drunk as well.
But you were staring at me.
(Holly) Me and James have been quite flirty recently.
So I reckon there's a slight chance
that I could actually make this work.
I just need to wait for this moment,
and them I'm gonna pounce.
You said if I stayed in bed...
Oh, oh.
That you'd have sex with me in the morning.
No, no-- do you know what it is?
I said, right, because I knew that would be
the only thing that would keep you in bed, and it did.
Holly's funny-- she's fluttering at the guns.
But I've already told her,
"These guns aren't for you, Holly.
These are for worldies only."
Stop perving on us.
(laughing) Can you see me in the mir--
Yes, I can see--
Every rep you're doing, you're looking at us.
I can see.
(water cooler bubbling)
(Sophie) All I want is for her to be there.
She's the other half of me.
And, a week on, for her to still not be there,
I'm like, is she really, eventually, gonna come back?
(Gary) I do miss her. I think I was wrong.
And the only reason I can think I'm missing her
is 'cause I haven't had a bang in a while.
Maybe that's it.
You gotta have my back, like...
And then that day Charlotte left, technically 'cause of me.
So it only feels right
that I'm the one that goes and gets her.
So I haven't seen her for a while.
Then again, she could like, we'll see.
She could have missed us.
I don't know how she's gonna react.
Hi, Gary.
Hello. Would you like to come in?
Why the fuck is Gary here?
Why you coming-- why are you here?
I get to the house to pick Charlotte up.
To be fair, she actually is looking stunning.
A bit brown, but stunning.
She's doing the ironing for some reason.
I don't know why she's doing the ironing.
'Cause I know for a fact she has not got a clue
how to iron.
But we do need you back.
Everyone's down all the time.
Sophie's fuckin'-- can't, like, like--
And she's going around in circles.
She doesn't know what's going on.
Holly's just, nuh.
But you definitely do need to come back.
So go and pack, 'cause that's why I came-- to get you.
Go, go, go.
And I agree.
Come on. Go on, get your bag.
Get your cases packed.
(both laugh)
Go on.
I think everyone misses us.
I need to go back right this very second.
Right, so, obviously, when we go back,
is everything gonna be all right with youse?
I won't say anything-- For where youse are?
You're just friends.
I am mates with her. Well, of course.
But it's hard to be mates with her
without having a little, like, we end up, like,
a little bit of flirting and that, obviously.
Yeah. We need, somehow, to become-- be friends
without the flirting and the--
And the-- and the bed thing.
We're getting there.
I think we will get there, I just think it's-- it is hard.
It's weird, like, and her mum's like,
"Right, I don't think you should be banging my daughter anymore."
And I'm like, "This is the weirdest thing ever."
Prob-- no, we'll be fine.
Me mum's being really embarrassing.
Feel like I'm back at school and like
when she sends-- puts crazy flowers
in me hair and that.
It's horrible.
I just want to go now.
(grunts)
Mum!
¶
James banged a bird.
Were you there then? No.
James banged a bird. Ohh...
(Charlotte) So we're driving back.
Gary's getting us up to date
on everything what's been going on.
But the main thing I want to know is,
have you been getting it from anyone, Gary?
Have you been banging?
But I actually haven't banged anyone.
But you've been trying, though.
It's-- I haven't, though.
But you've been... trying to.
But you've just failed.
No, I haven't failed.
(Charlotte) I'm really confused.
I'm thinking, "Am I over him?
Am I not?"
And then, I just go blank again.
(loud ringing)
Hello?
Argh, man. What you doing?
Can't we ask for work?
¶
(overlapping chatter and laughter)
Come in, on me right, first bird I see--
it's only the bird I went and pulled
the other night, isn't it?
(heavy breathing)
(overlapping chatter)
Isn't that the girl that stopped James
from being gay?
(James) A little bit of class, yeah,
'cause she was a nice girl.
But may be a little bit awkward.
So who's getting spray tans?
Oh, look at me.
Knickers, clothes?
I'm wearing a bikini.
Just get your tits out.
I've got no tits.
(laughing) Cut it!
(woman) FYI, that is dark on that, isn't it?
(James) Ah, you know.
(indistinct chatter)
And I'm just looking back, thinking,
"Round two, maybes?"
Side, babe.
Did you have a good night?
Really good night.
I'm glad. Was that 'cause of me?
Yeah. Good.
Am I seeing you again?
Um, yeah, of course.
I'm not just gonna, like, get you and
just like never speak to you again.
Do you know what I mean? Aww.
Good seeing you again.
You're a good boy, aren't you?
Well, I wouldn't say that, like, but, uh...
Uh, I'm not an old head. You know what I mean?
Fuckin' power of the combover, isn't it?
I knew she'd be coming back for more.
So I seal the deal with a little tash on.
But now I can't get out of this, kind of.
I didn't want to see her that quick.
But if it's there.
Listen...
(screaming)
(laughter)
Charlotte was back. I'm ecstatic.
And we're all like, "Aah!"
(James) Well, she's looking all right.
She's done herself up-- she's had a tan.
She's done her hair.
Probably it's the best I've ever seen Charlotte.
I'm so happy right now.
We're all together as a family, once again.
Let's celebrate.
(all) Gary! Gary!
(laughter and chatter)
(all) Five! Six!
Geordie nights in are as wild as Geordie nights out.
(laughter and chatter)
I'm not drinking tonight.
(all cheer)
There are two noticeable disappearances.
It's not that I've stopped caring.
It's that I realized you never cared.
You pulled her in the Jacuzzi,
and I thought, "Fuckin' hell." She was horrible."
I'm running out of options and it's like
this whole banger crap now is just like,
"For fuck's sake, what do you want to do?
Should we just start over?"
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't want Gary as a boyfriend.
It's just a little bit too boring
for my wild, crazy self.
So I've decided I'm just gonna go the fuck out
and just jump on Gary's cock.
¶
So let me get this straight, Charlotte.
After a week of head space,
trying to kind of get in touch with what you really want
and stay away from Gary,
you've jumped straight back into bed with him
after a couple of hours?
What the fuck?
Had Gary got a chocolate cock that I don't know about?
Some sort of Battenburg Bellend?
(Gary) That's what happens when we're pissed.
We're staying in, there's no other options.
Me and Charlotte end up fucking.
(Charlotte squeals)
Let's get Geordiefied-- get the glad rags on,
get the tan on, and let's hit the fuckin' town.
¶
Hi.
Come on, my baby.
Hi!
Soon as I walk in, there's Lucy.
I just think she's fuckin' hot.
I may as well not even look for other birds tonight.
I'll just be taking her home.
(Holly) Now, this girl, she wants to split herself into three
and just run around after James.
You dare mess my chances
to get James into bed tonight,
and I will smack a bitch up.
(Charlotte) What a wanker.
So I think I'm gonna start talking to the man
with the pictures on his arms.
So I go over, I'm talking to him,
and I tell him, "I fancy you."
And he just keeps on talking about Holly.
Charlotte is that thick, she can't chat lads worth none.
However, imagine her chatting blind.
Charlotte says, "Holly won't stop talking about you."
¶
And then rest of the night's a little bit of a blur.
The man went with Holly.
So now, I've got no other option
than to go with that one guy.
(Gary) Charlotte looks at dickhead, right?
Last I seen her, she was just chilling with another guy.
¶ Hey, hey
¶
(whimpers)
(Holly) So finally, James has found somebody that he actually likes.
And I'm thinking I need to show him what he's missing.
Now, me and James both share the same room.
How's this gonna work?
(laughing)
(plate shatters)
Whoa, Holly, shh.
(singing incoherently)
(Gary) We come back. Like, I'm with Charlotte.
I would like to bang her away from everyone else.
Holly's got a lad, for the first time ever.
Jim's got that bird, but, again,
why the fuck is Ricci and Vicky in there in the fuckard?
To me, that's selfish. They shouldn't even be in there.
It's called the fuckard for a fuckin' reason.
She's not gonna bang.
What's the fuckin' point in her being there?
Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte.
Charlotte was fuckin' all overs me.
I thought, "Wait a second.
Pretty much every room in that house has been banged in."
I mean, hot tub, fuck hut, our room,
fuckin' James's room.
Everyone's banged somewhere, apart from the shower.
Where else is left?
(James) I'm pissed off that Vicky and Ricci are in the fuckard,
so I'm forced to go up in the bedroom,
which I'm sharing with Holly,
and she's got a bloke for the night.
Oh, you've got a fuckin' sparkly dress on.
So what? It's sharp.
You're gonna have to take it off.
(giggling)
(kissing)
So I'm bangin' away on me bird.
(laughing) Oh, fuck. (Holly laughing)
Fuckin' Holly comes in with her lad, straight into my bed.
Thanks, mate. What?!
This could be a bit awkward-like.
Right, now, how fuckin' dirty the house is!
I'm so sorry.
He's gonna shag in that bed.
I'm gonna shag in this bed.
And we're just gonna fuckin' ignore each other
and get on with it.
Then Holly and her lad start.
And then Holly just starts making
these absolute horrendous noises.
Probably like fake orgasms.
(Holly) Uhh!
What are you doing, Holly? You sound ridiculous.
(Holly whimpering and gasping)
She's screaming, and I looked over,
and he wasn't even doing nothing to her.
(Holly shrieking)
Me and Aaron were going for gold.
Doesn't seem to be much noise coming from James's bed.
Is he as good as he says?
(James) I think she's obviously doing this to try and impress me
when, really, it's fuckin' putting us off her.
(James) Holly, right?
Stop, James! Right, right.
The time is right to try and keep the noise
in a little bit, will you?
That's what we're doing.
I'm starting to get a fuckin' headache.
Just keep it quiet.
Aaron's keeping quiet.
You're being very noisy.
(laughing) Funnys, brah.
¶
So I see Lucy off.
Aye, I'll see her again,
just hopefully not so soon.
And hopefully not in the same room as fuckin' Holly.
Hey, uh...
I was having a really good night,
and then Holly just comes in and spoils it all
by trying to impress us.
Really should have done the absolute opposite.
Me and Aaron were both shagging.
Apparently, and far too loud for James's ears.
James, you don't have to pretend you don't want it.
You don't have to pretend anymore.
I need to tell Dan that I've got feelings for him.
And I can't have any contact with him anymore
until I get me head round what's going on.
What's happening right now is, you know,
when you were at school and you used to play the triangle.
That's Vicky.
She's enjoying playing the triangle.
She's at the top.
Then you've got Dan and Ricci at the bottom.
She doesn't know which one to touch.
Does she want to play that side of the triangle?
Ooh! She might want to play that side of the triangle.
She doesn't know.
She's just enjoying playing it right now.
(line ringing)
Hello? Hi, babes. Where are you?
On the train. Are you?
Yes! Ah, yeah.
I'm so excited.
I'm really excited.
Joel's gonna come today.
He didn't come on me birthday.
All I've wanted to do was see me boyfriend.
How long will you be? You'll be not long?
Um... yeah.
I think I'm gonna meet you in the club, babe.
Oh, yeah. Joel...
Ooh. Oh.
I've got butterflies already.
I'm like, I can't wait.
Fantastic.
Yeah, he said he wouldn't get here till half 10, though.
But if he's on the train at 5, 6, 7, 8.
9...
I don't know.
I don't want to feel like I'm finishing things.
I just want to-- just want to know that, like...
like it can't go on this way,
'cause I feel too guilty and too upset.
Ricci's got my best interests at heart-- I know he has.
Admit it-- he must feel like he's sharing us,
or like we can't really do anything.
There's only so long a lad can fuckin' call you,
for God's sake.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Babe, I missed the train.
What?
I missed the train.
Where the hell are you?
You were on the train when I rung you before.
I was on a train going to Euston.
I'm at Euston Station now.
Uhh!
'Cause I missed the bus, three minutes.
Are you lying?
No, I'm sitting in Euston Station,
(indistinct)
so you can hear like all the announcements.
So... well, where were you before
when I spoke to you?
What?
Where were you before when I spoke to you?
You know-- you know where I live here.
Like at the tube to-- to, like,
catch across the Euston, on the map it, like--
on the tube.
But you can't talk when you're on the tube?
Yeah, at the time, I was outside at the beginning.
What the fuck are you doing?
You're playing with me mind here.
I'm not used to these mind games.
You're coming, you're not coming.
Don't you want to come?
What is so bad with me that you don't wanna see us?
He has no reason, no explanation
apart from, "I've missed me train."
It's too late now.
Why didn't you just wake up at 1:00 this afternoon
and get on the train, Joel?
Aww...
Just go to King's Cross now.
Find out the train times.
All right.
Okay? And I'll ring you back, all right?
All right, bye. Bye-bye.
No, Joel, you haven't missed your train.
You just, you don't want to see us.
You don't want to be with us.
Not bad.
Just tell him the truth.
That's it, right? Don't lie.
I'm not gonna lie-- truth,
the whole truth, nothing but the truth.
She's going to meet Dan, and--
to totally finish it off,
so me and her can be together.
See youse. Okay, I'll see you at 8:00.
I didn't think I was a pot of slag.
I thought I was a fake one.
You're not a slag because you had sex with your boy.
Why should lads get to go out,
sleep with every fucking girl under the sun,
and get a fuckin' high-five for it the next day?
If I went round going, "I've only slept with one person,"
would you think better of me?
Doesn't mean I'm a fuckin' nasty person,
just 'cause I've slept with people?
Do you know there's women who've died,
there's a-- this-- this lady, right,
she flung herself under a horse.
She died just for the fact
that women would have the same rights as men.
We wouldn't be who we are today
if them women didn't tie their self under the horses.
Who's walking around saying, "Oh, no,
I don't have one-night stands"?
That is like saying to that woman who jumped
underneath that horse,
"What the fuck did you do that for?
We're not gonna listen to you."
Hey, you've reached Joel.
I'm not here right now, but just leave a message.
I've gotta join a fuckin' feminist group.
I will, and we will call it...
FAST...
FAST?
Females Are Strong...
True.
So we've started our own FAST group.
We should have been in the original one,
but we weren't born.
I think I should be a feminist, you know.
We're coming up to be a lesbian, if you want to.
Hi, Joel. It just rings.
Please, I don't know where the hell you are
or what the hell you're doing.
But you just need to get on a train and get here.
I just hate the piss.
I want you to just ring as soon as you can-- bye.
(Jay) For me, Sophie, just suck it off.
I'd just basically not beat around the bush,
and just suck the thing off, because it's not worth it.
And, at the end of the day, you're gonna get hurt,
and he's probably banging birds left, right, and center.
Why is he hurting us like this?
(Vicky) I am nervous already.
I'm dreading this conversation,
because it's never going to be
a positive conversation, is it?
I'm just trying to be calm and controlled
and have some sort of sense of importance
and just an air that I have decided this,
and I know it's right.
Hey, babe.
You all right?
I'm fine. How are you?
I missed you.
I missed you, too.
I'm just praying and hoping
with every fiber of my being
that he sees things from my point of view
and understands how hard this is for me.
It's beyond difficult to go from
seeing you every single day and...
speaking to you every single hour,
to having... nothing. I know.
I just want to be a good person and a good girlfriend.
And, at the minute...
(crying) the guilt's just eating away inside of us,
and I'm not, either.
I feel so guilty because I'm in that house
with Ricci all the time.
What's he got to do with anything?
Tell us what's going on.
I don't know what's going on.
Other than how bad I was feeling,
how bad I was making him feel,
how bad I must be making Ricci feel,
all of this led me to decide
that I had to stop things with Dan.
I can't enjoy spending time with you
because when I'm with you,
I'm the one that's sitting here--
So are you telling us you're picking him over me?
I'm not picking him over you.
That's what I'm saying-- oh, my God.
That's not what I'm saying in a million years.
Well, that's how you're making us feel right now, mate.
Honestly, I'm, like, I'm shocked.
I'm dying inside right now.
I'm not saying that I'm picking I'm over you.
I would never, ever say that.
I'm not doing this to be with him.
I don't want that.
I just think you're so much better than this,
and I think you're so much stronger.
I'm now tashing on.
What does that say about my willpower as a person?
What does that say about my character?
I know that it's you.
I know it's you, too.
Dan did just fight for me.
That's the most romantic and caring thing
anyone's managed to do for me.
Love you.
The only possible way
that I can bring this back
is by staying away from Ricci.
Saturday night, weekend millionaires.
We're just gonna do what we do best.
Get fuckin' mortal and get tashing on.
¶
Becca's saying that she's not gonna put out.
So as long as Becca's playing that game,
I'm gonna be looking elsewhere.
¶
Amanda, the bird that I've been seeing,
has just come through the door.
Happy to see her.
She's got a fuckin' pink and black dress on.
I wouldn't wipe the girl's ass with it.
Whenever Jason's out, Amanda must just get this,
like, attraction, like that he's there.
She's like fuckin' flies around shit.
Just got her friends there.
She's probably thinking that she's dead clever.
She's not.
¶
(Jay) Rebecca did give her a couple of dodgy looks,
but what can I do?
I'm only mates with Rebecca,
so what does she expect me to do,
not to talk to another lass?
I'm not gonna stand there and let her stare us out,
so I'm just gonna stare her out back.
(Holly) So I've still got my eye on James,
and I think at the minute he thinks he's safe.
but he's not, 'cause I'm like a predator,
and I always get what I want.
I've found worldies.
I'm not gonna bang you, Holly.
(Holly) I can climb over any barrier you got, James.
The only thing that's gonna stop me is him being sober.
Fuckin' get off me rump, man.
You've got a fuckin' pizza!
It's too hot. (laughing)
Me eating all this food, that is definitely a sign
that I am mortal-- I'll wake up and I will regret this.
I'll have to go to the gym for about six hours tomorrow.
Hello!
I've gone into that situation trying to do the right thing,
and trying to stop being such a fucking little bellend.
I went to see him, and, um,
I'm not gonna lie, okay?
I've had the idea in me head that I was gonna tell Dan
I could-- that I couldn't see him anymore.
Mm-hmm.
I told him that, uh,
spending all of me time with you,
which I think is quite fair to say, isn't it?
Yeah, it is.
And it's killing us.
And I've never, ever once
worried about me self in all of this.
I've only ever focused on how I could possibly hurt Dan.
I am being a bellend.
I mean, he just said...
he said I need to grow up and be strong
and realize that... I can't throw away--
Isn't it all grown up and being strong
you telling the truth about how you feel?
He didn't-- So it's just like--
It's like he's in denial about--
He just doesn't want you to finish everything.
What doesn't he accept about wanting to be finished?
I mean, the girl's telling you she doesn't want to be with him.
And, like, she's getting with me.
I mean, what's he grasping on to?
I'm only human-- I want what every single lad wants.
He want to follow us round
and dry hump me leg.
No, no. Come here.
Will you make me happy? No, stop it.
Get off me. But will you make me happy?
She's having none of this, just like, "What are you doing?"
It's a fuckin' waste of fuckin' time. Ricci...
Fuck this mother...
Ricci... Fuck me. I'm fuckin' me.
Fuck it. I'm heres. Fuck it.
Every lad needs sex.
I've been waiting for her for ages.
Me balls are killin'.
I just need sexy time.
(Holly) Hey.
What? You awake?
No, I'm asleep.
There's no way I'm gonna go to sleep right now.
I'm gonna try it on with James.
Wrap myself in my duvet.
Crawl near James's bed.
(indistinct whispering)
Stage one, I've got in the other bed.
Stage two... Operation Tent.
(James) She's not looking for baby wipes at all.
She's looking for cock, preferably my cock.
(Holly) I pull myself under the duvet.
Stage two completed.
Stage three, the tickle stage.
Stop it, Holly...
You get him hornier.
Stop it, Holly.
And hornier...
Stop it, Holly.
Go away, Holly.
(whispering) Shut up.
Get off us.
(James) She has a little play with the tent pole.
The tent pole extends.
There's only so much it can take before giving in
when you're absolutely mortal.
We start spoonin'.
And spoonin' always leads to fuckin'.
(Holly gasping)
¶
Holly's finally out of me bed. She's probably over the moon.
She's wanted this since day fuckin' one.
So we go at it for a bit, and as I'm going,
I think the alcohol's starting to wear off,
and I'm looking down, and I'm thinking...
(Holly) What?
What the fuck am I doing here?
This is not me at all.
(Holly giggling)
You always want what you can't have.
And when you get it,
it's not always what you expected.
(both snickering)
The only thing it can be
is James banging Holly.
(laughing) Oh... oh, fuck.
(both laughing)
This surely-- it cannot happen.
Shh, shh.
Holly has grafted.
She's put in more ground work than Alan Titchmarsh
in this situation.
She has worked at James and worked at James
and waited for a moment to pounce, and...
she's finally got her man.
James comes fuckin' running in as if he's seen a fuckin' ghost.
I didn't even want to admit it. I was like,
"Uh... um... no... no."
(Holly) I always get what I want.
And whether it was what I expected or not,
at least I completed my mission.
(groaning)
¶
(sighs)
(James) So I wake up.
I've hardly fuckin' slept.
I've been having nightmares
that I've fuckin' banged Holly, haven't I?
Then I realize it fuckin' happened.
I actually did bang Holly.
Holly, dear, get up. No.
(Charlotte) I wake up...
and Holly sits up, and she's looking really serious.
(gasps)
What?
She finally made a move
and bounced all over his cock?
(Gary) I can't believe it actually has happened.
I never, ever in a million years
thought that Holly and James would bang, ever.
Is this a joke? Swear on me life.
Whoa, whoa, what's happened? What's happened?
And I literally pinch myself. "Is this a dream?"
(makes gagging noise)
(Rebecca) Jaws dropped to the floor.
We should be lucky that he's had sex with Holly,
'cause he hasn't done much pulling anyway.
James and Holly have reunited.
They've let-- they got forces together.
And they've shared a night of passion together.
I think, if I was drunk again,
I'd have sex with him again.
(seagull calling)
(Jay) Chips, curry sauce.
On the seaside.
What more does she want?
Now I need to know where I stand.
Perfect date.
Are you enjoying yourself? Oh, is it good?
Oh, yeah. All right.
Until he goes and fucks it up.
Are you gonna put out, though?
(mouth full) Fuck, no.
Are you gonna bang?
Not having sex in the house. No way am I.
Huh? I'm not gonna have sex in the house.
Why?
Think he's feeling a bit sexually frustrated.
And he needs to take it out on me.
And it's not happening.
If I sleep with you,
and you go out and bring a lass back,
you'll not want me to react to it, and I will.
And I will get pissed off, and I will say,
"What are you doing, Jay?"
Fuck me-- I'm going down the same route
as what I did with Vicky.
I need to set this off, part it off,
and just be mates would be better.
What? You're pissed off.
No, I'm not.
You look angry. Eh?
You look angry.
Eventually, Jason's twig and berries
are gonna... are gonna be so big,
they're gonna just burst all over.
(Jay) And my chances of banging her
are probably just the same chances
as Ricci banging Vicky.
It's just not gonna happen.
But his twig and berries aren't gonna be bursting all over me.
Ow.
(phone line ringing)
(woman) Hello.
Hi, Mum. Hello.
Today's Mum's birthday.
She means the world to us.
What time you coming?
Uh, I'm not too sure the time what we're coming,
but I'll give you a ring and let you know.
Okay. I'll see you then, Mum.
Bye. Bye. I love you, Mum.
I think, "Right, perfect day. Take Vicks along.
See if they like each other."
But I'm gonna take Gaz, Charlotte along as well.
Will she mind all of us tripping all over ourselves?
I think she'll love it.
Will there be drink?
I would say let's drink over.
Get one.
¶
(Gary) I'm buzzing, me.
Nice to see your mum again.
Good woman. It's her birthday.
I'd rather be doing this than anything.
Thanks for inviting us, Ricci.
No worries, man. Thanks, Ricci.
Thank you, Ricci.
It's a lovely day out. Get smashed.
(Vicky) We go to Ricci's mum and dad's house,
and it's lovely.
Vicky, you've met my mum before.
Right. Vicky... thank you.
They're really nice people.
They're so warm and inviting.
This is little daffy.
Hi, Christine!
(laughing) How are you?
How've you been? Yeah.
Little bit scared about how it's gonna go
with my mum and Vicky,
'cause I know my mum's like--
she's-- she speaks her mind.
If she likes you, well, she'll say.
You've got Sky in your room.
Have you not? Have you not?
I don't know. I've got Freeview.
That's still pretty crucial.
It's not. All right.
(Vicky) When I'm getting a tour of the house,
I work out that I'm gonna be staying in Ricci's bed with him.
And starting to feel guilty again.
(whispering) Do you think, like,
I don't know, it's weird to think
she's met the parents, like, already.
I think they've known each other, what, two weeks?
I think their relationship is moving
literally at the speed of light.
They'll be seeing each other married by next week.
She didn't finish with Dan.
I know, she's still got a boyfriend.
(laughing) She's meeting the parents.
That's a bit risky.
It's all hunky dory and nice for the minute,
but Vicky's very, very glad.
She knows exactly what she's doing.
She's like-- I think Vicky's a girl version of me.
End of the day, she's fuckin' cheating on her boyfriend.
She should be like... traumatized.
It is bad crap what she's doing.
I'm just waiting for something to go wrong,
'cause I think it definitely will.
We know.
(laughter and chatter)
So we all sat round having a lovely meal.
Got some Chinese, got some Indian.
(overlapping chatter)
Thank you!
You're welcome.
They were sitting, kissing and cuddling
at the table.
To me, it's just a whole fuckin' mess.
(Dad) So, Ricci, how's your relationship
going in the house?
(laughter)
The relationship?
Yeah, because, from what I can see,
I think I would accept you
as a-- a daughter-in-law.
Ooh... Ooh, right.
Now, um, you've got a boyfriend, haven't you?
No. No, no, no.
The biggest spotlight has just been put on us,
and I'm in the most awkward position possible.
Not now.
Have you not? All right.
(Dad) All right.
(Vicky) I feel sick.
Me hands are shaking and me voice is shaking.
And I just can't sit here and discuss Dan with them.
Oh, but that's just--
(silverware clatters) Sorry.
What have you dropped?
Just a fork.
I'm just thinking, "Shit...
Still got a boyfriend?"
Vicky's told Ricci's mum and dad
that she's not with Dan anymore.
This is a lie.
But I'm not gonna say anything.
(Dad) And, Gaz...
And how is your relationships going on in the house?
(Charlotte, mouth full) Me and Gary are the bestest of friends, aren't we?
We're close friends, where we, like,
get naked in front of each other and such things.
(laughter)
(Gary) "We're just good friends
that get naked in front of each other."
Fuckin' hell.
¶
I need to get a worldie, now that I got Holly off.
(laughing)
Better be careful now, lad.
You know, you're only as good as your last,
aren't you?
It's me packing on, pulling worldies,
and I go fuckin' Holly.
Fuckin' playing that.
She wore you down, lad,
and got what she wanted, didn't she?
Persistent.
It's a one-off, where I was drunk.
She was fuckin' gagging for it.
She couldn't take no for a fuckin' answer.
She practically just jumped in me fuckin' bed.
(laughing)
When I go to sleep at night, I sleep with one eye open,
just in case she tries to pounce on us again.
I could have me self a little bank there, if I wanted, like.
Think it's only gonna have the one withdrawal, though.
¶
Right, Becca, like,
me and youse gotta swap rooms.
Why?
'Cause I don't feel safe in that room with Holly now.
You don't feel safe? She's not gonna eat you.
He's frightened of a girl.
Have you heard anything like it in your life?
So I was just like, "Right, no bother."
I couldn't wait to get out of this stinking room anyway.
It's full of lads.
No girly crack.
It smells like sick.
I don't want you to feel, like, upset.
Don't go there!
Don't!
But here is a pillow.
Like... (chuckles)
Why do you have to make me feel like that?
Why couldn't you just be normal
instead of leaving the room and feeling like
you have to sleep somewhere else?
It looks a bit like me. See? Fuck you.
Just spoon that at night. Fuck you.
It's just sex.
(Rebecca) She doesn't need you anymore, 'cause she's got me.
You got a cock, like?
No, but if I did...
(laughter)
Why aye.
(laughing)
I felt like...
it was kind of my fault
that he was moving out.
I felt like I've either mentally damaged this boy
by what's happened, that he has to actually
move out of the bedroom...
Well, what can you do?
It's his decision.
I can't force him to stay there.
He'll think that I'm even a bigger stalker
than I already am.
¶
(Gary) Everything's going smoothly.
You think, "Right, let's just go to bed."
Had a few beers. We're in Ricci's house.
Ouch! Ow, me head. Shh...
And we're all messing around, I'm like on top of Charlotte.
Like we have the quilts on top of us and stuff.
We're having a little kiss, and...
and I pull the sheets over me head.
And Charlotte just looks as if nothing's the matter,
and just goes...
(Charlotte farts)
(laughing) You farted!
Did you see-- (laughter)
Fart stinks! Oh!
And I can tell he's getting a bit of a shock,
'cause he's jumping back, and I--
the smell's wafting in my face.
What'd you fart for?!
But I don't-- I'm not embarrassed.
I'm just finding it really, really funny.
You just farted in bed!
Why did you fart-- ohh!
This is you?
(shrieks) She pissed the bed!
We're in the bedroom his nana sleeps in.
(Charlotte) Ohh!
It's just a major disaster, really.
I've got wee all over Ricci's nana's bed,
where she stays.
And I've just embarrassed me self in front of Gary.
I know I've had a few drinks, but what the fuck is this?
I'm never sleeping with you again.
Me and you are over.
And you wonder why I don't want to be your girlfriend.
Or boyfriend.
(laughing) Oh, ow.
I did not expect her to piss the bed
and fart in me face before we start banging.
What the fuck?
What-- what desired you to fart, just...
You actually smelt... (laughing)
and then, you piss the bed.
Had just a big embarrassment.
Roll on the floor.
And I wee me self a bit more, 'cause it's just hilarious.
¶
When you've met someone's family,
and they're just as nice as the person that you like is,
it just intensifies everything you felt for them.
It feels like everything kind of falls into place,
and things are right.
(laughing)
It's sticky. There.
(Ricci) I'm a little bit frisky,
and, obviously, there's that connection
between us both.
And it's what we both want.
(Vicky) This is mine and Ricci's first time at all the sex.
I was really impressed with Ricci's performance.
I wasn't seeing stars or anything,
but it was-- it was pretty good!
I've got no complaints.
(Ricci) I make her good in bed.
So with me being good, she's good.
That's the way it goes down.
B-plus for effort!
¶ Everyone's here to party
¶ If you wanna know why, if you wanna know why ¶
¶ Everyone's here to party
¶ If you wanna know why, if you wanna know why ¶
¶ Everyone's here to party
¶ If you wanna know why, if you wanna know why ¶
¶ Everyone's here to party
¶
¶ Let's party hardy, you wanna know why ¶
¶ Let's party hardy, you wanna know ¶
¶ Who done, who done, who done ¶